Nothing But Bones

34: Blood(saw)

Somewhere on the road back to Beaverdell, Elton looks over into his passenger's seat and away just as quickly. "So... Do you want me to drive you back to Lake Wonder and you can drop that rental car off? I'm heading there anyway."

She shakes her head gently, entirely aware of how light it is. "No, not yet. I'm pretty sure the car belongs to the government anyway— but there's more to do. I have to... get those things. The clown statue. Bloodsaw's going to hate it."

"Well, yeah, I meant after we tie up all the loose ends. I still need to talk to my mom to get the time off and probably take time to recover because— Wait, who's Bloodsaw?"

"My..." She narrows her eyes at the dashboard. "Co-worker."

"Now, Tiff... kinda sounds like you're hiding something. I won't pry, but I do not believe for a second she's your co-worker."

"She is, she very much is— my bosses are kind of the only people who are willing to work with me on the whole 'constantly running off to do insane supernatural shit' thing, and also to hire... certain people. They are my co-worker. They're just..." Kepler nips her finger and she just says it. "My soon-to-be-ex-husband. She's that."

"She's your soon-to-be-ex-husband?"

"I believe in gay divorce."

"Alright. Cool."

"Sometimes you get married to undead people so you can fight clowns in Utah. That's..." She pokes at her chest under the shirts. "That's very normal."

"After today, normal's definition has probably changed for me. So, sure. Normal. Love it."

The blood is already soaking through her shirt. She sits up so she doesn't get it on the seat. "I should— You're coming to Lake Wonder. I know it's to see Ben, but I don't doubt that you're going to be seeing other parts of town, so I should warn you— unless it doesn't matter, actually— Have you heard of the 1997 Caroline Bradshaw Tunnel Massacre?"

Elton laughs. "Of course I have– Wait."

"I'm waiting."

"No!" He laughs a little more hysterically now, a little more can't-believe-it. "No fucking way. Bloodsaw. Caroline Bradshaw. You're married to Caroline Bradshaw, who died in 1997 after killing a bunch of teenagers in Lake Wonder? The very same?"

"God— it's complicated. So— first of all, she didn't do that. She killed one person." Tiff understands that this isn't helping her case, but keeps going. "And he was going to kill Harrison Bergeron, who promptly died of a drug overdose in his trunk or something. I looked at the files. Nobody slashed that guy. Everyone else was killed by... I don't know, actually. I think the only person who does is Laura Mandarin— you know, the only survivor? We saw her briefly, but we didn't talk to her."

Kepler squeaks. Right: get back on track.

"But it's a— it's a case of classic, like— like the shit that happened with— I'm not going to say that. They pinned the blame on a local punk and very-out lesbian. Which was easy, because she punched out Ivan Cunningham's tooth one time and committed several undisclosed acts of homosexual violence after that."

"Hey, I always thought that case was odd. I did an episode on it, actually. Well, an episode I halfway shot. I was going to go to Lake Wonder last year to do some tunnel EVPs and shit, but.. life got in the way. I definitely believe you, though. I'd love to meet her. Your wife. Your future ex-husband."

Tiff can't help but laugh— not in a mocking way, in a genuine one. "They're going to hate you. You have to meet them."

"No one hates me, Tiff. I'm charming."

"Caroline Bradshaw-Sheridan hates everyone." That's not their surname. Tiff doesn't care to clarify that.

"Oh, we'll see." Grinning, he drums the wheel. "Regardless, I might still go into those tunnels. If I can, anyway. Fuck. I need to talk to Ben as soon as I can."

"Call him, then."

"I'm driving, Tiff."

"Fine. I'll call him."

"You do not have to call him. He can wait. I can wait."

She calls him.

Ben answers after a quick moment. His state of near-panic is more than evident in his voice. "Tiff! Hi! Is Elton okay? Are you alright?"

She shrugs, in the middle of putting him on speaker. "I don't know. Elton, you okay?"

"Uh... Yes. Ben, I'm fine."

"You're fine?"

"A little beaten up. Uh, well— I was stabbed by bone spikes, but that was a while ago."

"It hasn't been that long," Tiff disagrees. "Like two hours, max."

"Whatever. I'm totally alive, totally going to stay alive. I'm even driving!" He eyes Tiff and shakes his head.

Ben sighs in relief. "I'm glad you two are okay. But— Bone spikes? Jesus, Tiff. Where'd you take him?"

"The Bone Zone."

"What she means," Elton interjects, "is that we got stuck, briefly, in a pocket dimension full of bones. The Bone Zone, Ben."

Ben's voice barely hides the laugh he's suppressing. "Fine, Bone Zone. I imagine you're going to rest and then..."

Elton smiles. "Yeah. Then I'm going to come back, with Tiff to Lake Wonder. We're going to have a fun road trip together. We'll eat snacks from shitty gas stations and probably listen to some podcasts."

"Yeah, for like three hours. With a bunch of books and a stolen clown. Thrilling." Tiff picks at the shirt.

"So don't worry, Ben. I'll call you again soon. Tiff and I are almost back to town. We're both dead tired. Tiff more so than me."

If they could see Ben, he would be giving the two of them a look. "Well, have fun you two. Bye now."

He hangs up. The call ends.