tell me a secret...i'll tell you mine (editing and rebranding)

chapter 21: stupid boy, he doesn't know anything

       Azizul take me to the museum for our date. I don't know how he knows but when I think of an ideal date, my mind always goes to checking out monumental places like museums, archive centers or even art galleries. Yes, call me a nerd but I wear that side of me with a badge of honor.
        And yes, many might argue that most of the things found in museums, especially the British museums are stolen and represents histories and generations for many cultures and therefore shouldn't be funded. I agree wholeheartedly and if I could, I would singlehandedly pocket everything the awful colonisers took and send it back to the countries where they belong but I cannot. I think rather than justify liking museums so much, I should just enjoy museums and keep my think pieces to myself.
        "How did you know I would like this place?" I question Azizul taking a sip of my iced coffee.
          He scratches his head nervously looking sheepish.
"Okay, I know you're going to say this is weird but during our very first meetings with the group, you mentioned that you love museums."
    Oh. I almost don't remember that day myself. But I remember most things so of course I remember. I said it in passing, at random. But Azizul remembered.
    "Heck, that's so embarrassing to admit. I promise, I'm not a stalker or anything like that," he says almost ranting.
     I quickly shake my head to reassure him.
"It's fine, Azizul. I actually quite like it, that you remember.  That's very thoughtful of you," I say smiling at him and I physically see him melt. He's obsessed with me. I smile.
      Before anyone says I'm leading Azizul on, I'm not. I'm just exploring. I'm allowed. I'm 21. I'm too young to settle for just anyone. Am I ready to call me myself the g word? No, but I did tell myself in the mirror this morning that I'm not straight which is progress as far as I'm concerned.
     "Come, over there, I want to show you something," Azizul says stretching his hand towards me. I might be new to this dating thing but I know holding hands is kind of a big deal. I still put my hand in his as he leads us away. Azizul takes his time with me at the museum, explaining what he knew and finding guides for me when he couldn't. So gallant. I don't bother telling him I know the history of most of the pieces. I'm enjoying myself. Needless to say, my first date is a splendid experience.
      After the museum, Azizul takes me to a Thai restaurant for an early dinner. As if the night isn't great enough.
       As we eat, we talk,
"How's it like living in Singapore?" I ask him curious. Not to sound ignorant or bigoted but Azizul is Arab and gay. Those two don't mix anywhere in the world.
   "Actually, it's not that bad. I mean, it's a great country. The people are nice enough. The cultures culture. The food is splendid. It's a blended country so it's delicacies from all over Asia."
"That must be nice."
"It is. They don't like the gay thing though. It's still a sore topic in the country," he adds before adding another piece of beef to my meal. He has been feeding me all night. I quite like it.
"So, you're out in Singapore?" I ask.
"I am to some extent. I know when to talk about my queerness and I know when to shut up about it."
"That's not fair."
"I know, but that's just how it is," he says and continues after a short pause, "what about you? How was it like growing up in America? Texas, you say?"
"Yeah, but I actually was born in England and lived her until I was eight. ButTexas is Texas. Just like everywhere, they're nice people and they're awful people."
He hums and nods, "that's true. Are you out to people there?"
I stop eating and think about my answer. Should I tell him that I've just disco- acknowledged this side of me and can't even categorically call myself gay? I don't think I want to explain all that so I reply with,
"No, not to my mom or even my friends, no one."
He hums and nods.
"Does that bother you? Many out gay men don't like that," as I've heard. I wonder if he minds, no that I care.
"Like I'm not like most out gay men. Besides, I understand I understand the principle of not coming out until you want to. I was outed, you know? To my parents."
My eyes widen. Azizul has once mentioned that his family including both his parents are both supportive.
"How? If you don't mind me asking," I ask him.
"Oh, it's nothing scandalous. I wasn't caught with a boy or anything like that, I'm not that rebellious. In my last year in high school, I started this online community for queer people, closeted or not, from all over the world. It's like Grindr but not because it's not designed primarily for hookups or relationships. We called it We're Queer. Very original, I know."
I smile at that as he continues,
"It really blew up, like blew up and people from all over the world joined the app. It was designed in a way that hides your location and you could even hide the app on your phone if you wanted to. It guaranteed privacy. I've done a lot of great things since then but I still think it's my greatest achievement."
"Long story short, maybe it was excitement, maybe it was carelessness, but I logged into the app with the family's computer and forgot to log out. My youngest sister saw it and reported to my father. Now imagine, a mostly traditional muslim man finds an app about "homosexuality", it wasn't pretty for the first few minutes. My parents called us, all seven of us and asked us to confess. I didn't naturally. Why would I? I was about to get kicked out."
"Then my father said something, something surprising, shocking, bigoted and scandalous but remarkable. He said, "I lost my brother to AIDS in the 90s, I'd be damned if I lose any of my kids. Come out now!" And right there, right then, I fell to the floor and broke down crying. My mother was at my side a few seconds later clutching me and whispering sweet nothings to my ear. Now that I think of it, I think she had known all along. The rest joined and my father had a long talk with me afterwards if this was the life I wanted and choose and how hard it would be. We've had our moments like all families do but I can't complain."
   I exhale and take a sip of my drink reigning everything in.
"Your family sound like lovely people."
"They are, the best. Enough about me, I hope you know you don't have to come out ever if you don't want to. I know it's all bright and bubbly in the West, it's not in many parts of the world. Thirteen years ago when I started the app, it was bad for many people and right here, right now, it's still bad. Even with the acceptance here, it's still terrible. It's never easy, you know?"
   I can only nod and take another sip of my drink desperately trying to fight back that feeling of guilt. It wasn't that long ago I was one of those people causing terror to others. Sure, I never killed anyone or even voted against queer people but the dislike and even hate I carried in my heart for years is just as harmful.
"It's a long hard road to queer liberation," I say.
"Hear, hear," he chants.
"Is it still on? The app?"
"No, apparently the app shared the same name with another queer organisation that started before us. With the name loss, it was difficult to get a middle ground. We just couldn't pick up. However, it was useful for that time. Besides we have Grindr now." He winks at me and I feel my face flush.
What? It's a nice wink.
       After dinner, we walk the short journey to Azizul's car.
"Tonight went great. It couldn't have been more perfect," I tell him genuinely pleased.
"We're scientists Victor, perfection doesn't exist."
   True so I simply shrug.
"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. That was what I was aiming for," he adds.
"I did enjoy myself, truly."
"So...if I said I want to go on a second date with you, would you accept?"
   I turn to face him then and he has that nervous look again, the one I'm starting to find really endearing.
"Yes, Azizul, I would."
     He smiles and I smile.
"I like the way you say my name."
"You do, do you?"
   And we're having a moment and it's something. It's not like what I have with Lu- no! No to both. Both being I won't think about him and it's not like what I have with him but it's something. If Azizul says to kiss me now, I won't stop him.
    Then that moment is broken because,
"Victor?"
   Someone calls my name and I turn to acknowledge them but God, I wish I didn't. It's Zac, from the party.
   "I knew it was you," he adds laughing, for some reason.
    "Can we just go?" I turn to see his...partner beside him. A proper gay man. It's not bigotry I swear. Zac looks drunk and my gut tells me that's not a good thing right now.
"Hold on sweets, I need to Victor. I'm glad to see you here. I'd recognize that bubble butt anywhere." Zac's statement leaves an ugly taste in my mouth because one, I'm wearing a coat so my "bubble butt" is hidden and two, if he doesn't respect himself or me, he should at least respect his date or mine.
"Zac, please let's go or I'm leaving," his date tries again.
"Oh I'm sorry, am I offending anyone?" He turns and looks taken aback seeing Azizul as if he's just noticed he's there or as if he has never seen an Arab man before.
"Mohammed, is it? Is our Victor treating you well?" 
That's when I know I might actually go to jail for murder, this time.
"Zac!"
    As I take a step forward to smash his head in, a hand on my wrist stops me.
"You're making my date uncomfortable. We would like you to leave," Azizul speaks up. I've never heard him speak that way and it sends a rather pleasurable shiver up my spine. For second there, I think Zac might actually leave until he opens his mouth,
"And what if I don't?"
Fucking idiot. If you don't, I'll smash your head against the first hard surface I see, don't tempt me.
"Well, I have bombs in my car. Do you want to take a walk with me and find out?"
  What? I have to stop myself from laughing because that seems to do the trick.
"Well, fuck you," Zac says and scrambles off.
"I am so sorry," his homo boyfriend says and runs after him. I can't believe I made out with someone so dumb.
    Once Zac is out of sight, we both burst into laughter.
"I- can't - believe that worked," I say catching my breath.
"Is he your ex?" He asks me after we've had our fill of laughter. 
"Goodness, no. We made out at this party once. He was a drunken mistake. I'm really sorry you had to deal with him."
"It was hilarious to deal with him," then he gets all serious, "I believe we were somewhere before he interrupts," he says and gently take my hand in his.
"I'm so glad you came out with me today."
"Same here," I reply.
"Can I- Can I kiss you?"
   I fight the urge to look around to check for who might see us or not see us but fuck it, fuck them and fuck shame.
    "Yes, please."
He cups my face in his hands and gently presses his lips to mine. It's...a new feeling. It settles me in a way nothing has in a long time. People will say it's just a kiss and we're not even exchanging tongue but it's comfortable. People will also say being comfortable is not enough but why is it not enough? I know I can have something special with Azizul. I know he'll treat me right. But I don't know if that's enough. I don't know if that's what I want.
  Sooner than I would like, he breaks the kiss. He rubs at my cheeks smiling at me. For some reason, I giggle.
"What?"
"Nothing but I have a question," I say as we start to walk away. He tangles his hand in mine and I smile.
"Go on,"
"It might sound very ignorant but what other rules do you break as a religious person? I'm sure you're not supposed to kiss until like marriage."
"Oh Victor, you ignorant cutie. You're right though, I'm not supposed to but my brand of Islam is different. I'm a Muslim and I ask questions too much. It's one of the things my father don't agree with."
"Another TMI question, are you a virgin?"
"No. It's another thing my father don't agree with."
"You told your father that you're not a virgin?!"
"Yes, Victor, I did."
     Just to be clear, he didn't tell his father he's not a virgin.
     Azizul and I separate in front of Daisy's after another kiss that's more heated than the one at the parking lot. Honestly, I'm tired of these men holding back on me. Like use me, seduce me, pin me down. Maybe I should tell them. I shouldn't just assume that they know. Lola did say once that people tend to treat me with fragility because I just have that face. I'm not sure I fully understand it.
      I arrive at the door and open it to meet the crew gathered at the counter in the kitchen eating dinner. Everyone is here except Lucas. I actually don't care like that. I just have to point it out.
     "Hey guys," I great them removing my coat and shoes at the entrance. I didn't really tell the guys about my date with Azizul. I only told them I would be hanging with a co-worker but I might have to tell them now since I want them to seriously caution their friend Zac.
     "Victor, my love. Come, join us," Daisy says loudly. She's always excited to see me. I have still not made a genuine collection with her to know whether it's fake or not.
      "I'm full but thanks." I don't think she or anyone else heard me so I move closer.
"Guys, I need to tell you something," I say when I'm standing a feet or two away.
    "Sure, babes, take a seat," Daisy says to me.
I greet Tracy and Cam. Tracy answers well enough but Cam, Cam has been avoiding me. At first, I thought it's all in my head. Can likes me. I like Cam. Maybe the consequences of all my hatred is finally catching up to me but the situation with Cam is another topic for another day. I don't greet Jeremy because fuck him.
"Speak babes, pizza?" Daisy offers me a bite.
"No, thanks I already ate."
"Okay, so what's up?"
"Your friend Zac is the worst."
He truly is.
Daisy snorts, "Zac is not our friend. We all hate him. He's only around us because he's popular on campus and shows up everywhere. He's like Jeremy, only worse."
"That's not even funny, Daisy." Jeremy really doesn't find it funny because he's frowning. If Jeremy doesn't like him, that must be saying something because I have seen and heard hm talk. He can be a big asshole.
"What crawled up your ass and died? Take a joke. But what did Zac do?" Daisy asks me before Jeremy can get another word in.
"So, I'm on this date with Azizul." After my statement, I realize maybe I shouldn't have said it like that because they're on me the next second, Jeremy too. Even Cam has stopped avoiding eye contact with me.
"You went on a date? An actual date? Spill spill spill."
"Since when are you gay?" That is what Jeremy asks. I'm tempted to say since two weeks ago because honestly that's when all this madness began.
"Lucas!" Daisy exclaims suddenly that I flinch.  Goodness, I don't know why I wrote it off that he wouldn't be here. I have an awful feeling he might have heard what I said. It's not like I care if Lucas knows or not that I went on a date, I couldn't care less. I just wish he wasn't here to hear it. Now that Daisy has started, she won't let me rest. Lucas takes his seat and I fight every molecule and nerves not to stare at him.
"Where did you go to? Did it go well? Was there kissing? Tell me there was. Did you say Azizul? Ooh, he's so hot. Very handsome in that exotic way," Daisy continues to rant.
"Daisy, I think that's racist."
"It's not. Not the feed the stereotypes but the hot guys are either gay, married or dead."
"The weed is truly getting to your head."
"Shut the fuck up, Jeremy."
"Come shut me up then."
"God, you're such a cunt."
   And then things escalate quickly and they're arguing. Daisy is saying something about Jeremy being a coward and Jeremy is retorting saying the only coward is Daisy's father which isn't very nice but also very juvenile. Daisy storms out of the kitchen and Jeremy follows and their voices can be heard all over.
"Uh..." I'm seriously confused.
"Ignore them. That has been going on for days. I genuinely think they need to fuck and all will be well," Tracy explains and I'm surprised. Not to sound like an asshole, I always thought the guys usually have like orgies or something, except the Lesbians of course. Okay, that's an asshole thing to say.
  "Okay, well it's been a long night and I'm tired. Help me tell the others that Zac needs to get fucked and that if tries to embarrass me in front of my date ever again, I'll have his head," I say to them. Tracy mostly, she's the only one paying attention to me.
"Whoa, duly noted."
"That's it for me. Goodnight," I say a general goodnight. Whoever replies will. Tracy replies. Cam murmurs one. Lucas doesn't.
     As I walk away, follow me, follow me and I'll explain I want to yell but I know he won't. He won't follow me because he has seen it as me making a choice.
    Stupid boy, he doesn't know anything.