tell me a secret...i'll tell you mine (editing and rebranding)

chapter 22: unforgiven

    The next day, at work, Azizul and I exchange hidden smiles and winks. I don't know what I want to happen with him but I know, right now, I like what we have and I'm living in the moment.
    Lucas still hasn't spoken to me since last night. A large part of me is disappointed but honestly, I expected it. Between Azizul and Lucas, Azizul is the safer option. The better option.
    Speaking of Azizul, I finally understand why people are so against dating your coworkers, not that we're dating. These flirting and secret glances, it's only a matter of time before we get caught.  I don't think I want that though. I don't. I also think I'm reaching. Azizul has not even hinted he wants something like that with me. A relationship.
     Now back to business. For a few days now, the higher ups and sponsors have been hinting at cutting our budget if we don't make any "substantial" progress soon. I'm angry, not at myself surprisingly but at them because they couldn't fathom just how much work and dedication go into what we do. But once they make up their mind, there's nothing any of us can say or do to change thier minds. It is thier budget and resources. It still sucks though. Well, we can change thier minds by providing something, anything.
      Right now, it's lunch break but typical me is at one of the labs, eyes stuck so far in a microscope. Rationally, I know there's nothing I'll find and it's to the detriment of my stomach but will I stop and get something to eat? No. I'm a stubborn person.
        I raise to write down an observation and I almost crawl out of my skin as I see Azizul sitting right next to me. I curse and I curse a lot because it shows on Azizul's face that he's surprised at my vulgar and debauched language. After my swearing spree, Azizul looks at me his jaw open. I can't even be embarrassed. He startled me. I don't like being startled. I don't like being surprised.
"Wow. I'm sorry I startled you. I was about to tap you to get your attention, I promise."
"Um, yeah, it's fine. Sorry, about the you know swearing." I feel compelled to apologize.
"That's nothing. It caught me off guard but it's fine," he says. I simply nod. What can I say?
"So I was thinking," he starts to say again and the last weird minutes is forgotten. "About last night and how much fun it was. It was fun, right?"
I smile at him. It's cute he wants so much reassurance.
"Yes, Azizul, it was fun."
I had all night to think about it. And I've come to the conclusion that Azizul is the better option, the safer option.
"I was thinking about our second date. Is there anywhere in particular you would like to go?" He asks me and I'm convinced I made the right decision.
"Surprise me. I trust your judgement," I reply because I do. Also because, my date with Azizul is my first date ever and I have no prior experience.
"Okay." He nods smiling. I turn to write down my observation that I didn't because Azizul scared the living buttons out of me. I can still feel his gaze intent on my side view. I want to ignore it but it's intense so I turn. He looks embarrassed to have been caught and does that neck rub thing that I have grown to like.
"What?" I have to ask.
He shakes his head, "nothing, you're just so pretty is all."
I smile at that and feel my face heat up. Pretty eh? Pretty isn't the word I would use to describe myself but I've been called that lately. Daisy calls me pretty boy sometimes, now Azizul. And Lucas.
    Lucas.
    Lucas.
    Oh God, Lucas.
   I can't do this with him.
"For our second date, I was thinking-"
"I can't do this." At first I'm thinking I thought those words in my mind but the silence that follows tells me I spoke it out loud. Why did I speak it out loud? What am I doing?
   I turn to face him. He looks confused. So am I.
"You can't...what are you talking about?"
I remain silent. What am I talking about?
"I can't go on a second date with you. I can't go on any other dates with you."
Azizul looks at me like I'm not making any sense. I'm not certain I am. What the hell am I doing?
   "There's someone else. I have been lying to myself." I look up to face him. The look on his face. Oh God, what have I done? Azizul doesn't deserve this.
"I can't lead you on."
"Oh," he simply says.
"I'm so sorry. I thought I could ignore it. I don't want to lead you on any longer."
I'm making a terrible mistake. I'll be very happy with Azizul. Very happy.
"Do I know him? You know what, it doesn't matter", he says shaking his head.
"I- I need to go."
Oh God.
"I'm not mad at you. You've done nothing wrong. You were being honest but I need to process this."
   He stares at me for a few heated seconds before he stands and turns to go. Just before he exits, he turns again.
"I hope he's the right choice." He exits afterwards leaving me with my thoughts.
    I hope he's the right choice too.
      As the day proceeds, I've had to physically fight myself to go to Azizul and take back everything I said but I know if I did that, I would be lying to myself. Azizul might be the safer choice but I know he's not the better choice. I can't keep trapping myself in a box. I have to risk this, risk my heart if you will.
    I'm on my way to Daisy's, hoping and praying he's there so I can scream and yell in his face. I have this irrational anger at Lucas right now. Why does he have to exist? Why? Soon I'm pulling up at her house and alighting. I open the front door seconds later and meet the guys in the living room playing some drinking game. They, with the exception of Cam, finished their school finals a few days earlier. The horror. They have even more free time on thier hands to be nuisances.
   Okay, I think I'm just angry in general. The cause of my anger is not even among them. And I see Daisy and Jeremy made up. Those two are weird as shit. Ugh. I close the door loudly gaining thier attention.
"My love, you're back early. Come, join us."
    I walk towards them, drop my back on the couch and sit on the floor where they are gathered. I take a quick look at them all. Daisy is smiling at me. Tracy has a pleasant expression on his face. Jeremy has an unpleasant expression on his face. Typical. Cam is not even looking at me at all. They are still avoiding me. I've thought back to what I must have said or done to warrant this and I have found nothing. I've genuinely liked Cam from day one. I'll get to the bottom of it but right now, I need to sort this horrible thing with Lucas.
"How was work?" Daisy enquires. Now that I'm closer, I realize they are playing monopoly but with drinks. Trust gen zs to add thier own flavour.
   "Good." It wasn't though. It's bothering on bad.
"Have you eaten? Cam and I went grocery shopping. We got this crisps and it's the best. Dinner will be prepared shortly."
   One thing I've discovered about living with Daisy is that she doesn't play about food. Generally, Daisy is a very good person, rough around the edges but good nonetheless and she doesn't play about food. If she has a part in it, you'll always be fed. On days when I'll arrive home at 11pm, there was always something waiting for me. She's actually the best.
"Thanks," I simply say. I want to be closer to her. I want to make a connection with her.
"Do you want to play?" Tracy offers.
  I shake my head,
"Nah, I'll just watch."
     I watch them play for a few minutes but I'm really not here. I need to see Lucas. I need to sort this thing out. I need to know. I don't know what I'm doing. Lucas won't be good for me. I know what. One interaction with him and one will know that he's someone who has built a wall and a shield around himself. Do I want to be with someone like that? Do I want to be with someone like...me? No.
    Someone touch my knee and I almost flinch. I look up to see them all staring at me. Daisy speaks first,
"You good, babes? I have been calling you for a hot minute. You must be tired. Why don't you go and rest? I'll call you when dinner's done," she concludes by rubbing my knee gently. At that moment, I knew I could trust her. I knew I could trust them all and it pains me to admit it, I knew I could say what I wanted and Jeremy wouldn't put my business out there. He doesn't like me but he sees that Daisy does and he respects her.
    "I'm gay."
    The silence, both inward and outward that follows my declaration is almost comical. I don't know why I said that but I've said that and it is not a lie. It's not a lie.
"I have never told anyone or even admitted it out loud ever," I continue to speak. "I am gay and I have known for a very long time though I kept lying to myself that I'm not."
"Oh, babe," Daisy speaks up first a few seconds later.
"Thank you for telling us. Thank you for trusting us enough to tell us. We're proud of you."
I look at the others. Tracy is nodding and so is Jeremy, oh wow. Cam has tears in her eyes threatening to fall but her expression shows support and I know that what falling out we might have had will be resolved.
"And I like Lucas," I add because why not?
   Daisy squeals loudly and I know what's floating in her mind. The ship has sailed. She has been on our business since day one.
"Yes, my two best friends falling in love. I live and breathe."
Whoa, whoa, whoa, in love? I doubt Lucas even likes me at all.
   "Victor, I love you. I do. And I love Lucas more than life itself sometimes but we need to talk serious business", Daisy starts to say and the look in her eyes says whatever she's about to say is not a joke.
"Remember what I told you at the mall about Lucas being more of his former self thanks to you. I meant it and I stand by it. However, Lucas is...a lot. He can be really intense. We've been best friends for more than ten years and we've not done anything as little as kiss which to people is bunkers because Lucas is hot as hell and I'm a goddess but there's a reason why it's so and there's a reason why we don't date each other in our immediate friend group.
   "I'm happy for you and I'm so happy for him because God knows after everything he's been through, he deserves this. However, if you choose not to act on those feelings, I would understand. Hell, he would understand."
   After her speech, I'm speechless. What do I say to that? Where do I start from?
  "Go talk to him, he'll make you understand better. Whatever you might find about him and if you choose not to move forward with him, no one would judge you."
   I almost laugh at that. I realize this people don't know me at all which is good. I reflect back on my earlier thought. I've built a wall and a shield around myself. If these guys knew half of the things I've done and had to do, I'm certain Daisy will kick me out.