The Very Thought of You

Chapter 1

Here I sat; minding my own business on this deserted park bench in this small park. My heart is racing. And not because I've just ran five nonstop laps around this 100 yard track. The reason why was because no matter how much I ran, I couldn't get the thought of him out of my head.

Saying his name would bring tears to my eyes and I couldn't bear crying in a park where kids were at joy. I looked around at the little kids playing and laughing without a care in the world. I remembered being one of those kids. Playing around endlessly in the park with acquainted friends until your mom dragged you home soaked in tears because you weren't ready to go yet.

Now that I was seventeen years old, those days were gone. My eyes focused on a little girl playing in the sand with a boy her age. I envied her. In her book, there was nothing more important than finishing her sand castle. She had no knowledge of the way that the world was set up. At this moment, I truly understood the meaning of the phrase—ignorance is bliss.

My eyes moved from the little girl and locked with a pair of green eyes. A boy my age was sitting on the bench across the park, opposite of me. He was watching me and I couldn't help but return the favor. My eyes landed on his arms. Like the rest of his skin, it was a caramel sort of color. They fell out of his striped red and black tank top flawlessly. I scanned his face where I found his exceedingly kissable lips. When they spread into a smile, his pearly white straight teeth were exposed.

He was incredibly gorgeous. He lifted his right muscular arm and waved at me. I waved back like an embarrassed three year old that wet her pants before grabbing my water bottle and getting up. For just a second, I had forgotten about him.

Unexpected tears fell from my eyes. Wiping them away furiously, I trudged towards the parking lot. Crying wasn't supposed to be on the schedule today. That was the whole point in coming to the park. Happy place plus happy kids was supposed to result in a happy me. I got inside of my car and sped off down the street.

When I got home, my mom gave me the same apologetic look that's she's been giving me for the past year. I knew what was coming after that look. She'd want to know how my day went and then we'd attempt to engage in a conversation that was sure to fail because I didn't feel like talking about how I was feeling. Or about how I was supposedly shutting her and dad out. Ever since the accident, they've been nagging me every day about my thoughts and my feelings.

And around month two (it's been twelve) I just got annoyed with sharing my feelings about everything. Talking wasn't going to make me forget the fact that I had ever loved him. That I love him still. These were my memories and feelings to live with. I didn't want to share them with anybody.

My mom smiled, "How was the run? Did you have fun?"

"It was fine." I said quickly. I turned my back to her and started to refill my water bottle with cold water. I could hear her sigh behind me.

"You want something to eat? I made pot roast for dinner." She said going over to the oven.

"Not hungry," I said. "I'm going to take a shower and go to bed early."

"Honey, it's four in the evening." She said tiredly.

"I'm tired, mom. Besides there's nothing to look forward to tonight." I said.

She came around me and looked me in the eyes, "Elease, Trevor is dead. He's gone forever and you starving yourself and practically being sad with life won't bring him back. He's dead, okay? Now get over it and go have some fun."