The Very Thought of You

Chapter 11

"I've still got some plates in the garage." Myles told me.

We were sitting on the sand at the beach outside his house. After everything with Remy, he brought me here to calm me down. I told him everything that had happened.

"She's not worth it." I said, seriously.

The cold air blew, sending sand flying everywhere. Myles was sitting beside me but now he shifted behind me, putting his legs on either side of mine.

"I won't hug you or anything," he promised. "It's just a better position to shield you from the sand."

I smiled at him, "Have you always been so chivalrous? Opening doors? Shielding the wind? Are you planning to become a knight in the future?"

"No," he chuckled. "You know Ameerah hated that?"

"Really? I would think any girl would find that charming." I replied.

He shook his head, "Absolutely hated it. Once we got into an argument because I tried to give her my jacket on a cold night. She assumed I was trying to tell her how she should dress in public."

"She sounds like a pain," I asked. "Tell me something you loved about her."

"I loved that she was always cheerful. Every time I saw her she was smiling." He said softly.

With him sitting behind me, I could feel the heat on his body radiating onto me. My heartbeat increased as I let my hormones take over. I leaned into his chest, nestling my head beneath his neck, careful to keep my hands on my lap.

"Is this, okay?" I asked, staring into the darkness of the ocean, matching the pace of his breathing.

"It's perfect." He said, digging his hands into the sand, keeping his promise not to embrace me.

When I got home, my father wasn't there but my mother was in her usual spot. By the window watching me come inside. I shook my head at her the way I always did but with the revelations I'd received about Trevor, I didn't have the energy to keep up the fight with her. Not when I now agreed.

"He was a slimeball, wasn't he?" I asked, waving the white flag. "But I loved that slimeball."

"Oh, honey." She said, pulling me into her arms. I melted into her. It's been too long since we've hugged. Though I didn't feel like hashing out the details about how I'd come to my solution, she still needed to hear that I understood why she was so angry. She had been on my behalf.

"Just because he died does not mean you can't be angry with him." She stated, "I know you loved him, Elease. But you get to be mad too."

"You should've started with that months ago." I said, clinging to her. "You should work on your approach. I get you're trying to protect me, but I have a right to feel how I feel. I just didn't understand the anger until recently."

"I know and I'm sorry. I just want you to be happy." She said letting me go, "Speaking of, was that Myles who dropped you off again?'

"Approach, mom." I chuckled.

"I'm sorry but he's so cute. What's the story? It's been too long since we had girl talk." She begged, "I miss our Sunday nights."

The fact that I'd forgotten about that made me feel a bit sad. We used to do each other's nails and watch our favorite shows in our robes while eating ice cream and talking boys. Mostly just Trevor. But we haven't done that since he's died.

"Okay fine." I said, feeling guilty.

When dad came home, he was surprised to find the two of us on the couch, face masks in place. His throaty laugh had become unfamiliar to my ears. I hadn't realized I missed it until I heard it.

I told my mother everything I could possibly think of about Myles. How he listened to every word I said carefully, how he spoke freely without fear of being judged, how in touch he was with his emotions. By the time I was done, her hand was over her heart.

"What?" I asked.

She shook her head, hiding her smile, "I've never seen you so happy before. This kid must be one of kind."

"I've been happy before, mom. Don't overreact." I told her.

"I'm not," she stated. "I've seen you happy plenty of times. But you're my daughter and I'm telling you, this is the happiest you've ever been."

I sat back onto the couch, thinking of her words. Maybe she was right. After being sad for so long I realized that I was angry only to get hit with a truth so heartbreaking I didn't think I could take it. But somehow with Myles, my friends, my parents support, the truth had only set me free from any guilt I felt about moving on from Trevor. I leaned into my mom's side as she put her arm around my shoulders. A year ago, I never thought I would ever be okay. But after today, I felt a glimmer of hope.