JUST MY TYPE

dear diary

when you got home and discarded the wet clothing clinging stubbornly to your body, his jacket fell on the floor. it was denim, one that did not quite fit his aesthetic yet fit him perfectly. you could not explain it, but you enjoyed the feeling of an oversized jacket covering your shoulders. 

gingerly caressing the rough edges of the jacket, you sighed. its material was certainly not the best, with frayed strands of cloth and small holes due to wear and tear. it felt cosy, a feeling that was rather selfish in your opinion. it was but a fleeting feeling, one that could disappear with the snap of a finger. 

you knew that well enough. 

sitting down in a chair, you took out a journal- one that contained your deepest secrets, your thoughts and emotions, and the impulsive notions to do certain things, as well as a pen. it had become one of your hobbies to read your previous diary entries, and it was certainly refreshing or laughable. you would then respond with a small note to your younger self as if she existed in a different parallel universe.

the pages rustling, you skimmed through the pages, the first few being petty arguments that you giggled at. then, you saw it. 

the diary entry you had written for the longest time, and yet had filled up no more than half a page. the one that reminded you of nobody but him, and arose nothing but negative emotions. 

"dear diary, 

today as i was taking my photo with ms ei, there was a navy-haired boy taking my photo. his indigo eyes were really pretty! yet when i asked ms ei who the boy was, she gave me a deadpanned face. i learned not to push. 

i learnt that his name was... scaramoushy? i can't remember, it was really weird... apparently, he's really smart and good at everything! i wonder why ms ei had that expression. 

anyway, i think i like him! he is really handsome... or weirdly, i would describe him as pretty. like a doll, untouchable. but i can't find the courage to tell him, because i feel like he would reject me heartlessly. that is part of his charm, after all. 

i would run towards him if i could. run endlessly until my lungs feel like bleeding, my heart feels like exploding, and my cheeks are burning up. i would do it all if he would like me back. 

it's just a silly kindergarten crush though, i should not. i will not. 

i want to be everything or nothing."

and suddenly, your hand was unsure how to grasp the pen in your hand, the words not flowing as they usually do. you simply highlighted the 4th paragraph and gripped the pen in a desperate attempt to control your tears. 

you failed miserably.

sighing, you rubbed your eyes. what was getting into you? you never cried that much. 

gazing at the jacket he had lent you, you made a silent vow to yourself to return it to him the next day. perhaps just to have an excuse to see him.