DADDY

Bright Lights

After the birthday party was over, everyone dispersed to their homes.  I opened the presents and arranged them in rows.  There was nothing between them that excited me.  Anything about money can never, ever excite me anymore.  This is not what I'm looking for...

I closed the door to my room and locked it.

I don't particularly like it when my mom bursts into the room in the morning.  Sometimes they get mad at me for locking it up but I don't care.

I turned on a sad song and started listening to it.  When I lay my head on the pillow, I stare at the ceiling and begin to think with my blank stare.  When I listen to these kinds of songs, I feel sadness for no reason.  It feels like I've lost someone I never had.  I miss it, but I've never loved anyone, never been with anyone, or broken up with anyone.

I was even despised by my friends for a while because I had never had a boyfriend before.  They found me strange.  So for a while, I even pretended to love someone else to get over this issue, but I didn't have the slightest feeling of love.  against anyone...

I'm not particularly interested in my peers.  There is no particular group that I am interested in.  I'm alive but I don't feel anything.  There were times when I thought I was a zombie.  For a while, it felt like I was breathing but not feeling anything.  I was trying to get into dangerous situations just to feel something.  It was at this time that my interest in extreme sports emerged.  Since then I love anything a little dangerous.

I lifted my head again.  When the music ended, I also felt very overwhelmed.

Who am I missing?

I looked out the window.  The view is considered beautiful when I look at it from here.  The trees and beyond them stands the beginning of the city.  One of the nice things about living a little outside of the city is that you have the opportunity to rest your head whenever you want.  The hustle and bustle of the city and the feeling of constant movement are quite tiring.  From every angle...

I took a look at my library.  I have so many books... But I'm not part of the reading crew.  I take it, read it, and then put it back.  But I've never been into things like bartering or gifts.  Nor have I ever loved to hold someone a book.  If a book is mine, it should stay with me.  It shouldn't be anywhere else.  I've always been sensitive about this.  There aren't many obsessive topics in life, but the book is one that it creates.  Until the subject comes to the books, it is likely to be more dangerous to protect it.

  My life seems to go by so fast.  There comes a time when I turn 17, and I collect a lot of things.  Especially on my birthday.  So much to celebrate special occasions but this sensitive information about my family is.  Content as if all days are unimportant, only special days have meaning.  But in these matters, they live like them.  I think every day of a person can be special, or no day can be special.  The second case applies to me.

  He makes so many mistakes... Even without my family, I would have to pay a heavy price for all this.  But somehow they protect me.  Still, I have a feeling of gratitude towards them.  Sometimes I even get angry with them.  First, they give birth to me, and then they tell me that I should be thankful.  This mindset will never understand, nor will I.  This seems selfish to me.  No matter how I look at it, burdening a person with responsibility after giving him what he can give is a burden.

  Of course, I keep these restrictions to myself.  I noticed this a short time ago.  I don't get into arguments with people anymore.  They didn't understand me and they won't.  I have no intention of dealing with them.  I'm just having my day.  I started making college plans.  Maybe I'll go to another city for college.  Maybe not, for sure.  I want this because.  Staying here would be the worst thing.

  Especially my mom, she's crazy.  I can't agree.  But she doesn't make an effort to come to terms with me either.  I don't care.  It made me feel that, of course, she doesn't say it directly, but she tells me that it is such a fact.  I am feeling.  They lie to me so much, they take me so lightly that sometimes I just laugh at this.  They think I'm a silent fool.

  When you have kids, it looks like some people have a puppet or a teddy bear in their hands, but I'm human.  I did not check them, nor did I.  My constant use of mood might be an issue, but I didn't choose it.  There are no people who judge and despise me so much.

  Yet being 18 changes a lot of things, but leaves some things the same.  I'm still in this house right now.  Even if I want to go somewhere, I can't do it right away.  to know this.

Invisible chains...

But I will break them...

  That's why I have to go to college.  It's my only way out of here.

I bought a book again.  Random one.  I started turning the pages and reopened the dusty pages one by one.  Sometimes I reread the books I read.  Or I'm obsessed with a book and reread it every year.  Sometimes I can be like this.  This does not apply to songs though.  When I discover a song, I listen to it all the time, after a while it bores me and I stop listening.  I will never listen again.  But the books are very different to me.

They are not like movies, events happen in my brain, in my imagination.  I live inside of them, I create those characters.  For example, when a movie of a book I read is made, the characters do not match with what I have in mind, then I can never like the movie.  Movies are not as detailed as books.  Some people like movies, but I still prefer books.

I looked at the clock.  Almost two.  I usually go to bed late.  This is not a good habit.  It negatively affects development, I know that, but what can I do when I still can't sleep?  Even if I go to bed, I can't sleep.  At such times, I do not want to take the test.  The best thing is to read something, and when I read it, I get sleepy.  There were many days when I fell asleep with a book in my hand.

There is nothing in my life that I am excited about.  It doesn't need to be.  I'm fine like that, but I know life won't leave me like that.  I have to get on with my life somehow.  That's why I have to win a good place this year.  It's a sad thing, my life is only dependent on a few hours of exams.  I am part of a system that in just a few hours will measure all my abilities and place me in a school that will shape my destiny.  I'm not that important.  Millions of people will take the exam... Millions...

I feel like I'm pretty insignificant among them.  I don't like it, it's a fact of life whether you like it or not.  Sometimes I wonder what would happen if everything went wrong.  What if I don't pass the exam, if I'm unemployed, if I don't have a future?  What could be the most?  Will I starve, will I die?  What will my end be?  My family keeps creeping around saying that when I marry a man, I'll fall into his hands.  In such a case, it means that they will not take care of me.

I'm so confused...

I turned off the lights and closed my eyes and tried to sleep...

Let it be morning, let the time pass, a kind of time travel is sleep.  It's good for me... I want to go to sleep as soon as possible and enter the realm of dreams...