DADDY

Melting Candles

It's as if what Aysel said has penetrated my brain.  It always brings me these kinds of rumours, but this time it's different...

I was wondering about that guy.

I'm not usually very curious about things.  I don't care about life or people.  I ask myself why I wondered, but I don't have a proper answer for that either.  It just felt like...

I feel something for that guy...

Rubbish... I don't even know that man...

I feel like for the first time.  I got excited about something.  But I don't know why.  How ridiculous... Maybe I felt that way because the teacher profile at school was too ridiculous and boring.  I don't know...

Anyway...

Aysel always says such nonsense.  No need to think any further about them.  Best to focus on my tests.  I have a test to pass.  All my focus should be there.  Everything else is a waste of time for me.  I am aware that I am in a year that will determine my entire life.  Hanging around and making fun of it might be the biggest mistake I can make right now.  So I won't let my focus change.  Aysel isn't very much involved in exams and school anyway, she never has been and never will be.  I'm not judging her for that, but I have dreams and things to do.  That's why I always have to look ahead.

I don't even use social media much.  I only have an Instagram account that I opened by necessity.  Not more.  I follow the developments there, rather than sharing.  Even the cafeteria menu is now published weekly from there.  When everything is on the Internet, I have to be a part of it.  It's a necessity, if I had the right to choose, I wouldn't even want to have an account like this.

It's the first time something has happened to me while I'm still testing.  I started having trouble focusing.  I'm reading the question, but I remember what Aysel said.  A mysterious teacher... Younger... So he's not that young, but he's young.  I'm not very good with age, though.  When I look at someone, it is not easy to estimate age or I interpret it in fives.  For example, between twenty and twenty-five.  Sometimes I can't keep up with it.  Once I thought a 31-year-old man was 25.  I don't know how it happened, but it gave me that impression.  Not my fault.

I sighed and dropped the pen from my hand.  At that time, I looked at the teacher who was teaching the lesson.  This woman is also an old woman.  Our chemistry teacher is a good woman.  I mean, she teaches the lesson well, but very slowly.  That's why I'm generally at the front of the class as I'm progressing through the book.  I don't think I've lost anything by not listening to her right now.  I'd better solve a few more questions.  I try to solve at least 300 questions a day.  The event is not in quantity but in quality.  I am aware of this, but still being underworked makes me nervous.  I like to think, or feel that way, that I did something well, at least in preparation.

I looked around at that moment.  Everyone is in their world.  Some are daydreaming, some are just drawing something in their notebooks, some are listening to the lecture, and some are taking a test...

When my life was so boring and monotonous, I understood better why I love books so much.  The characters I create in my world, and their lives turn out the way I want them to.  Even if someone else writes it, it does not change.  I like books that don't have very clear character descriptions.  Then I have a chance to create the characters in my head.  And for some reason, I always portrayed the protagonists as tall and dark.  Do I have a weakness for dark people?  I don't think it is.  Because there are a lot of dark-haired people around me, but I did not go and jump on any of them, or I did not pass out when I saw them.  I have nothing to do with sex anyway.  Still... The presence of a teacher I had never seen before, which made me lose my mind, began to bother me.

When will this man come?  Does it start today?  Does he attend class?  I don't know...

What will happen if he does?  Just my curiosity is satisfied, nothing more.  I've never been a girl who stands out in class anyway.  I don't get the man's attention... What if I do... I have empty thoughts.  I don't like being such a dreamer.  I've always had this side of me, but it just pisses me off that it's become a weakness.  I don't like to be weak.  The only branch that I cling to in life was my grades and lessons.  And I don't even want to think about what will happen if I don't get the result I want in the exam this year.  My mother, who doesn't care much about me, suddenly starts to come to me.  My brother starts to brag all of a sudden.  It comes to me too.  He likes to make fun of me, but I don't allow it.  If I don't allow it, he gets even more insane and passes out.  But I don't want to oppress myself anymore, never... It doesn't matter if these people are my family.

Sometimes there is a sudden rage inside of me.  There is no problem, there is no conflict, but suddenly I feel angry.  Even though I don't like times like these, the best reflection of my extremely volatile mood is evident in these moments.  That's why I understand that my close friends always want to stay a distance from me.  The moment someone close to me realizes how unstable I am, they start to stay away.  I don't mind this too much though.  People get mad at me when they realize that I don't care.

It's very difficult to understand people... That's why I decided not to think about it anymore.  The weirder thing is that the more careless I am, the more they try to be close to me.  Some people's nature is suitable for this, they always live in need of the attention of others.  I'm not like that.  Even though I'm alone on an island for the rest of my life, I'm not someone who cares much about it.  When they realize this, they don't understand that it's real or they can't make it up in their minds, I guess.

The whole day passed like this.  There was a whirlwind in my head and there was nothing I could do about it.  It must have harmed my body, as I have not experienced such a confusing event.  My stomach started to ache.  Normally, I'm not much of a person who experiences these kinds of things... But this time, things happen that I never expected.

I don't like this...

But on the other hand, I like this feeling... Feeling something.  Beautiful or not, but feeling something.  Beautiful... Just beautiful...

I haven't felt this way for a long time, maybe never... I can't even remember the last time I felt this way.

But hey, I'm enjoying it.

I don't know what will happen after my curiosity is gone, there will probably be an emptiness inside me again, but I don't care.

It's the station I'm going to anyway, but there's nothing to do, I better try to enjoy everything I'm feeling now.

When I got home, I felt more tired than ever before.

I just laid my head on the pillow and closed my eyes.  Today I am more tired than usual for some reason.

As I entered the dream world, I only had that mysterious shadow man in mind...