DADDY

Black Roses

When I got home I was confused about what to do.  The mere mention of this man's name throws me off balance.  I don't understand why this is happening...

It's still a good feeling...

I never even started anything because I didn't think I could do more tests while I was at home.  I just laid my head on the pillow and closed my eyes.  I need to rest myself, sleep is good for me.  In the past, I didn't feel anything, but it made me more energetic.  I understand this better now.  Because since the beginning of these events, I feel more tired than ever before.

I think feeling something makes you more tired.  It's ridiculous... But it's true.

I'm not complaining though.

As soon as I closed my eyes, I saw him even in my dreams.  Karan... The mysterious brunette man.  Again his face is not visible but her body is exactly as described.  Maybe that's wrong too... I don't know.  I'm probably raising the man in my head like I'll be more disappointed than ever when I see him.  Maybe it's better this way.  So I learn not to daydream to extremes.

It's not nice to daydream, you're thinking about things that aren't real and they're completely out of this world.  And then you realize that they don't exist, they say it won't happen anymore.  Other people won't even let you dream, but that's not the point.  The walls are inside my head.

The dreams I've already had crashed into those walls.  Without the need for other people to destroy them...

When I opened my eyes again, I was still staring blankly at the ceiling.  The reason I even wanted to sleep like this was my desire to speed up time.  It's morning as soon as possible and I want to go to school and meet Karan.  Although I am not sure if he will recognize me, I am sure that just seeing him will do me good.  At least the empty thoughts in my head give way to realistic ideas.  This way, it will be easier to study for the exam.  Otherwise, I will waste a lot of time.  Anyway, this exam year is almost a war against me.  Now it would be much different if I spent the energy that I used to control myself on something else.  I'm wasting a lot of time with this, but if you can't control your mind, you can't pass the exam before you...

Am I depressed, what...

No...

I just plunged into the realm of thoughts again.  Sometimes I think so much that I get a headache just thinking about it.  My friends are not like that.  I want to be like other girls around me.  Many of them are not even aware of what country they are in.  That's how they live.  The family can be supportive to a certain extent.  Maybe in material matters... But the ability to think is a skill that needs to be acquired.  It doesn't come naturally.

I also asked myself if I was jealous of them, but no.  I've had the chance to be like them, over and over again.  But I didn't do that.  There were situations where I drew attention because I wasn't like everyone else, of course, I'm not talking about being the popular girl in school.  Getting attention in a bad way is what I'm talking about.  But over time I got over it.  All my friends around me got to know me this way.  Those who accepted remained my friends.  Those who don't are gone from my life.

I hope college isn't like that.  High school was, I think, the most confusing time of my life.  How many years have I lived though... Sometimes I feel like I'm much older than 18.  It feels like my soul has collapsed.  I am so tired that I do not aspire to anything, for everything.  I don't want to do either.  I don't care either.  My peers lead very different lives, or at least they want to, but I don't even have such a desire.

It's not because I want it to happen, if I lived like them, I'd go crazy anyway.  It is so empty that everything is in their world.  Everything is so fake... Even their love for each other is like that.

I thought of a girl at our school who died last year.  She died in a car accident, everyone fakely felt sorry for him, even tried to do something for her.  Some prepared videos, those who made flowers, etc. I did not shed a single tear.  I wanted to do it, but it didn't work.  So I tried.  At that time, some people looked at me very badly.  I thought they would try to excommunicate me for absurdly not participating in this false ritual of sadness, but then everything was forgotten.

No one even remembers that girl now.  When it's his death anniversary, they write comments on the Instagram page, but that's it... Nothing else.  Anyway, what will happen, the one who goes stays with what she left.  Life goes on, one way or another.  Am I being heartless now because I realized this earlier?  I do not think so.

It's good to think about something other than Karan.  It is very difficult not to open my thoughts to anyone.  Because as soon as I say them, I know the reactions that will come.  For example, Aysel... What would she say to me if she knew these... It's too bad to even imagine.  Because I don't know what I think or what I want to do with the teacher.  Though she said no fantasy, I guess everyone in the class has such a fantasy.  I do not have.  Or so I think... Is this a teacher's fantasy?  If so, why didn't I have such a dream with a dinosaur?  Is Kara different?

My head is swollen like crazy...

This is exactly what happens when I stuff other people's ideas into my head.  Ideas pile up all of a sudden.  It's like taking an unnecessary load.  A meaningless pile of information caused unnecessary emotions.  But still, it's nice to feel something, I like it.

I only dream of seeing him while my heart is beating like crazy.  What would I do if he was with me?  Does he understand that I am related to him?  What will happen if he understands... Does the big teacher look at his student?

Nonsense...

I've read books on the subject, but they're books after all.  Real life is much different.  I know, teachers;  marries other teachers.  The spouses of all the teachers I know now are also teachers.  I know that when they want to make this appointment or something, it is an advantage for them to be civil servants.  And if I know why... My family keeps telling me to become a civil servant.  I think I know a lot about the state and civil service.  I know it's redundant or redundant.  Well, it doesn't take much information, after all.  But it weighs...

So many thoughts...

I put on my headphones and started listening to music.  This way, I need to relax a little more and sleep.  I want it to be morning anyway, right?  Why am I not sleeping then?  I think you have to have an on/off switch so you can sleep whenever you want and wake up whenever you want.  Otherwise, this process is completely annoying and excessive.  It's tiring as well.  This is an event that is not efficient, but directly kills the time during the day.  When I spend time sleeping, I steal from the time I need to sleep.  Naturally, I wake up later.  I'm missing the day.

What am I thinking again like this...

I'm on the verge of insanity.

Karan, you have turned me on, even though you are a man I have not seen...

I hope I won't be disappointed.  I take back my earlier thoughts, I don't want to be disappointed and focus on my studies.  I always focus on the lessons.  I hope it turns out to be one of my dreams...

Please be like that Kara...

Please...