I've Never Stopped Loving Chris Mallon

CH 48 (4) - Family and Boyfriends

Chris, six weeks after the breakup

I knock on Ashley's door and enter his room. "Hey, kiddo."

He closes the book he's been reading, raises his head, and gives me a cautious smile. "Dad!"

"I bought you a gift." I slid out a box with a McLaren Senna GTR building kit from a bag and set it on his desk. "I used to build car models when I was younger. This is a LEGO set, so it's not exactly the same, but it's a good start. I thought we could build this one together?"

"I would like that." He walks up to the desk and examines the box. "Can I open it?"

"Sure."

He pulls three big and three small pieces-filled bags out of the box. His expression morphs from curious excitement to worry. "There's a lot of pieces."

There is. This model is made of 830 pieces and fit for children over ten. But I have no doubt Ashley will have no problem with it. My kid is smart. "It looks more intimidating than it really is. I'll show you how to do it."

Each bag with parts has a number written on it. I organize bags in groups and open the two bags with number one written on them. "These pieces make the inside of the car. You need to start with them." I look at the instructions and complete the first few steps. "Here. Continue. Just follow the instructions step by step. It's illustrated well."

He sits next to me and examines the pieces. He starts to put them together, looking hesitant and unsure, but he soon gains confidence. He works with a focused expression. He's careful, studies each instruction twice, and makes sure not to make mistakes while connecting beams and other components. He's sucking on his lower lip again, but I don't reprimand him.

It takes him three hours to complete the first part. When he's done, he turns to me, elated. "I did it!" I examine his work so far and grin at him. "Good job!"

I take the assembled parts in my hand and explain to Ashley what their purpose is in a car. He listens to me with rapt attention and asks questions when he doesn't understand something. While I teach Ashley about things I like, and he hangs on my every word, I realize two things: I'm proud of my son, and we managed to spend time together without him ending in tears.

Brandon, six weeks after the breakup

"Samantha!" I give a hug to my old boss.

"It's good to see you, Brandon." She puts her hand on my arm. "How are you doing?"

"Better. It's getting easier with time, although it still hits hard when I'm reminded of what I chose to give up."

She pats my arm. "You'll know you've healed once those reminders become a happy memory instead of a sad one."

I've worked in the restaurant throughout high school. I became close with Samantha. More so than with Julian since I didn't see him often after I changed schools. Now, every time I visit my parents, I come to the restaurant to catch up with Samantha and help out for a few hours for old times' sake.

I sigh. "Can't believe I've missed Julian again."

She shrugs. "I never know with that boy. Now he's working at an organic farm in Costa Rica. He left last week."

Working means volunteering. He never earns any money for what he does. He's lucky, though, that his father is one of America's best criminal-defense lawyers, and that he funds his son's wandering with a sort of exasperated amusement.

I wash my hands and put on an apron. "What needs to be done, boss?"

I loved my job. I loved helping around the kitchen. I loved cooking. I loved the relaxed atmosphere around the place. I even thought I might turn out to be a chef and continue working in the restaurant for good, but I changed my mind when it came time for college. I needed an out. I needed to get out of the city. Too many memories of Chris kept me unable to move on. I thought an out-of-state college would do me good. It hasn't. I left the city behind, but the memories followed. No matter where I went, I was unable to love anyone but Chris.

Chris, two months after the breakup

I scratch Dory behind the ears. She lays her head in my lap and watches me through half-closed lids. Her tail thumps lazily against the boulder I'm sitting on.

Dory was Ashley's Christmas gift. A late Christmas gift. When he was four years old, he wrote a letter to Santa wishing for a dog. Santa ignored his wish and gave him toys instead. I don't like animals. My only experience with dogs before Dory was a yapping poodle Mother brought home and then get rid of 2 weeks later when she caught her chewing on her shoes. I didn't want a pet. But I felt bad for cheating on Katya and being away from home so much. Turning up with a puppy in my hands a little over a year ago was an apology of sorts. I guess I thought a dog might fill the hole I leave in my family with my constant absence.

I raise my eyes to the stars. Take in the crisp night air mixed with trees and embers. Contentment. Is that what this feeling is? I listen to the chirping of crickets and the crackling of fire. Contentment. Yes. That's what this is. Acceptance. And peacefulness that comes with that acceptance. I think of bodies huddled close together and stories shared around the campfire. Contentment. Not happiness. But close enough.

I didn't expect to ever like Dory, but she has grown on me. Dory is a simple creature. I like that. I like simple. "Just feed me and give me scratches behind the ears, right?" She raises her head and licks my face. "Gross!" I push her away. "Only Brandon is allowed to do that!" She plops her head right back in my lap and lets out a whine. I continue with ear scratches.

Today was a nice day. We set out on a weekend trip in early morning hours. Ashley spent the whole car ride cuddling with Dory in the backseat and watching the city turn into the countryside through the window. We arrived at a ranch, rented horses, and spent a few hours riding around. It's an activity I'm not very fond of, but Katya enjoys. She treated her horse like an extension of her, running around freely. I treated my horse like a potential enemy that could throw me off any second, watching its every move. Ashley rode with Katya, giggling every time she would make the horse speed up. We returned to the ranch, ate lunch there, and spent the rest of the day hiking. In the evening, Ashley helped me set up a tent and grill some meat and vegetables. We ate, played card games, and chatted around the campfire until he fell asleep, today's activities catching up to him.

I nudge Dory to get out of my lap, return to the campsite, and tap on Katya's shoulder. She raises her head. "Pulling an all-nighter reading?" She closes the book with a sheepish expression. "Sorry. I haven't realized it's this late." I put out the campfire. Katya prepares the tent for sleep. We settle on the blankets. Katya checks on Ashley before she turns to me. "Thank you for today." I kiss her and wrap her in my arms. "No problem." Then we're out, today's activities catching up to us as well.

Brandon, two months after the breakup

The computer desk I use when working from home has three drawers. Inside those three drawers are office supplies that should be there, but also a million other things that shouldn't.

Staplers. Staples. Scissors. Glue. Paper clips. Sticky notes. Pens. Markers. USBs. I empty the drawers in order to organize them. Batteries. Flashlights. Coins. Keys. Locks. Cards. Light bulbs. Phone chargers. No wonder I can't find things when I need them. A Rubik's Cube? Never learned to solve it. Throw. Earphones? Have new ones. Throw. A resistance band? Used once and gave up on fitness 5 minutes later. Throw. Ping-pong ball? 3D glasses? Expired mosquito repellent? Throw. Throw. Throw.

I have a huge pile of warranties and old receipts. I keep the first in case something I bought stops working and the second in case I win a sweepstake. The first happened a few times. The second never. I take some of those warranties and receipts in my hand to throw the expired ones. A note falls out and lands in my lap. A number is written on it. A number Layan gave me. A number that belongs to some guy Layan thought would be a nice fit for me.

Could I do it? Could I call this number? Could I move on? I love Chris. I loved him my whole life. That won't change. But does it have to change? People who lose their loved ones move on while still loving and missing their previous partners. Could I do that? Make space in my heart for someone else while still keeping my love for Chris? I laugh. Because I'm thinking about this all wrong. Thinking about love when all I should think about is a date. I might not like him when I meet him. Or we might find out later that we're not compatible in bed. Or a million other things. Thinking beyond a first date is stupid. If he's still single, I'll meet him and see how it goes. I take a deep breath, type in the numbers, and wait for the call to connect.