I've Never Stopped Loving Chris Mallon

CH 74 (30) - Therapy 5

I haven't seen Brandon in four months. But... it's time. We're meeting in Miranda's office for a shared session and afterward we can go home... together.

I enter the waiting room. Brandon is sitting on the couch. I can tell he's nervous from his downcast gaze and fiddling fingers. I knock on the wall to get his attention. He turns toward me. His gorgeous honeybrowns are a little scared and a little hopeful. He stands up and takes a few steps forward before he stops and searches my eyes. He seems so insecure and vulnerable. I smile at him and open my arms. He takes a few more steps forward and hugs me. I move his hand from my back to my heart and return the hug. He looks up at me in surprise. Yes. My heart is pounding. Yes. I'm nervous, too.

"I killed him. Brian. I saw him shoot you and I thought you were dead and I killed him. I don't know what happened. I don't know why I did it. I saw the gun and I picked it up and I shot him. I don't remember what I was thinking at the moment. I don't think I was thinking at all. I just did it."

I rub gentle circles over his back. "We should have talked about this earlier. I'm sorry that I haven't acknowledged what happened and that my silence weighted so heavy on you." I put two fingers under his chin and raise it a little. I need him to see the truth in my eyes. "What happened wasn't your fault. I don't blame you, all right, baby?"

His muscles stiffen and his breath comes out faster. This is not what needs to hear. I change my approach. "I forgive you." It's a lie. There's nothing to forgive.

His tears soak into my shirt. "I killed your brother. How can you forgive me?"

"The same way you forgave me for beating you half to death."

He startles at the answer. But then he nods and smiles. That's an explanation he can understand and accept. He brushes off the tears and tightens the hug. "I love you."

I kiss the top of his head. "I love you, too." I press our foreheads together. "We're going to get through this."

He nods. "We're going to be all right."