I've Never Stopped Loving Chris Mallon

CH 61 (17) - Confrontation and Avoidance

Chris, two weeks into the tour

It's a small apartment. Has nothing but the basics. There are spider webs in the corners of the ceiling. Dust under the bed and on top of the closet. Some rust in the bathtub. But the mattress has no yellow stains and there is no mold on the walls. It's the best I can find for its price. The best I can afford. I laugh. I never expected to live in a place like this. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

I packed my whole life in two suitcases. Drove 2800 miles with nothing but the thought of seeing Brandon again pushing me forward. Stopped twice to get a few hours of sleep, the strong belief that Brandon would be waiting for me at the end of the road and that we'll continue our relationship where we left off like nothing ever happened keeping me more focused and awake than coffee or energy drinks ever could. Boy, was I wrong.

I was too excited when Brandon opened the door to question how come he was clothed at 6AM. I knew Jamie's tour was starting soon. One would have to live under a rock not to. But I guess I haven't realized how soon. Brandon's rejection made me realize he's going to leave before we solve the question of us. I couldn't let that happen. Who knows what eight more months of distance would do to us if ten have done this much damage?

I used the single advantage I had over him. His need for me. I started with small kisses that wouldn't put him on defense. Moved to stroking his sides. Waited until his gorgeous honeybrowns became hooded and his movements slow and uncoordinated. Guided him to the bed. All the while, I kept a gentle hold on his neck and murmured encouraging words in his ear. I'm not sure what I was thinking at that moment. That he'll stay in L. A. if I remind him how good we've been together? That he'll choose me if I seduce him? All I know is that my movements were guided by fear as much as his were guided by shock and submissiveness. I regret what I've done now. I regret turning him into something he never wanted to be and hurting him. I just hope he'll be able to forgive me.

An important part of me is missing. One that's supposed to form connections and attachments to people. I don't know if I was born without it or if I have lost it over time. I can count the number of people I felt something for on a single hand. Taichi. Katya. Ashley. Brandon. I sag under the weight of loss. My friend, my wife, my son... they've made me feel something... but Brandon... he made me feel everything. I close my eyes at the squeezing pressure inside my chest. He might be able to move on and fall in love again... but I won't.

I was a mess for two weeks. Slept in a car and drowned my misery in alcohol. I know I can't continue on like that. It's time to get my shit together. Brandon won't come back to me if I turn into a drunk homeless asshole. And he has to come back to me. Because he might be able to live without me... but I can't live without him.

Brandon, two months into the tour

I check on Jamie. He's talking to Layan on the phone and laughing about something. He seems completely relaxed, not like he's going to perform in front of 15 thousand people in less than an hour. I'm not surprised. He has no stage fright. Walks on the stage with the same ease one walks into a store. He's not a fan of preparation. Believes relaxing before a performance to be the best. He often jokes how he seems to have the easiest job here since everyone else runs around in panic until the concert starts. I'm definitely in that second category.

I check on the opening artist. He's nervous, but I have no doubt he'll do well on the stage since it's not the first time he's opening for Jamie. I check on the sound and lightning crew. I get a few thumbs up and a few "nothing has changed in the last five minutes since you last checked." I check on security. They assure me everything is under control. I check on fans. Excited chatter can be heard through the walls. Merch and snacks are being sold at a fast but expected rate. I check emails. Confirmation for tomorrow's interview and photo shoot. A bunch of inquiries but nothing that has to be handled at a moment's notice. I check the stage. Three outfits and corresponding accessories are laid out behind the curtain. I check the meet-and-greet area. Nothing seems amiss. I circle back to Jamie and tell him it's time to start preparing. The sounds from outside tell the opening act has started which means it'll be his turn soon. He disappears into the dressing room.