If I'm there

SIX

we boarded the plane early, flying to Scranton to meet motionless in white.
Our wedding was set to happen four weeks into the tour. Stress was among us.  But all was going to be okay or so I thought.

I couldn't do anything but let the rain drip down the window of the car as I looked out of it. Not making so much as one sound amongst one another.
I needed to clear my head or feel frustrated or upset or whatever the fuck I felt without everyone being ten feet up my ass about it.
Chris and Ricky had tried to help me sort through it and process this feeling but had failed.
Nick was the only one I wanted to be around at the moment. He gave me just enough space but also stayed close.
my mom was dead and it seemed like everyone expected me to know how I felt about it.  She hadn't been around since I was little, I hardly knew her. why was I so upset? no. Not upset. Numb. I hadn't cried over her. Not one tear. but I didn't curse her name either. I had just let it linger as everyone else rubbed it under my skin.
for three days, I just sat in the tour bus bed, staring at the ceiling wishing god would take me out too.
I went to the wake, since then, my social battery had been drained. Throwing me out of my mood and tolerance for everyone. Including Noah.
I didn't know what to do.
nick coaxed me into his car and on a whim I said yes. Just to get out of that hotel room away from the others
"We don't have to talk about it if you don't wanna, but I want you to know that if at anytime you want to talk about it. I'll pull over and I will listen lil." He stated.  He'd convinced Chris and the others to baby sit Mia.
"Thanks Nick." I looked out the window again. I had sat watching the rain on the window whiz past along with the trees for the majority gif the car ride.
"I don't know what I feel Nick." I sigh. " should I be upset and sad over someone who didn't bother to know me?"
"I get it." He replies nodding his head.
"Like for fucks sake. she never even bothered." I say as nick changes lanes slowing over the lines leading to the emergency lane.
"that must've been hard. I couldn't imagine you going through something like that dude." he shuts off the car.
He places a hand on my back, rubbing up and down not knowing how else to bring me comfort. "I know it's hard, but you don't have to keep it in. Talk to me." He softens his gaze. "I don't know how you and liyah are friends lil. she tells everyone everything and you leave us in the dark about how ya feel." nick gives me a slight smile. Nick and I sit there in silence on the side of the free way watching as rain rolled down the window.
"nick. I don't know how I feel. I'm feeling everything at once." I sigh. "How can I tell anyone how I feel when I just don't know"
I let the warm tears run down my face as I look over to nick. "she left me there, with someone I didn't know at the time and I had to learn how to trust him on my own." I said talking about my dad.
"I'm sorry lil." He consoled me. "She may have left you there but, if she hadn't, you wouldn't be sitting here. you wouldn't have met your dad or Willow or Noah and Mia. you wouldn't be best friends with one of the best people I know."
he was right. But that didn't mean it didn't sting.
"ugh I know." I sniffle "I just feel like no one gets it." I cross my arms
nick sighs and places his hand on my head.
"We don't HAVE to get it. but if you gave us a shot, you'd be surprised." he smiles. "but it's okay to not be alright or know how you feel."
I couldn't contain any emotion in my body at that moment. One tear came and then it felt like a million more. I hadn't noticed that Nick got out of the car and came around to my side.
"Come here." He holds out his hand.
He pulls me out of the car as the rain continued to pour.
"I know we fight and bicker but I do care about you and I worry about you. I love you so much Lillian and I can't imagine my life without you." He engulfs me into a hug.
I couldn't say any words back to him. I just...cried. The soft sob turned into a wail.
As he hugged me his hand rubbed up and down my back softly.
"Shhh. It's gonna be alright. But for now just get it all out." He comforted as we swayed in the rain.
he had let go, softly smiling.
"Ca-can you hug me again Nick..I think I need it" I request.
"Get in here" he puts his arms around me again. "you are important to me. I hope you know that and I wouldn't trade you for the world, you shit head."
I knew that he wouldn't. he fought my own boy friend for me. I'd never had someone love me as much as the boys did. I knew I would get through this. but only with their help. the truth is, I wouldn't trade them for anything. nothing at all.