Crack The Job

15- Unspoken Gaze

Payal

"What's the plan next?" His voice came in between the irregular munching noises as he was snacking on wafers.

I sighed. "I don't know. I don't even want to plan."

"Why?"

"I don't believe anything will go according to plan." I pulled open my cupboard to take the towel to soak dry my wet hair as the water dripped onto my shoulders. "Hey, I think we should go to the market together from tomorrow. Let's meet at a common spot and then we can walk to the market."

"You want to do that? Are you sure?" Siddharth's voice turned down low and it sounded like he nearly asked the question to himself.

"I guess. That won't be suspicious. Also, it's your take. Think about it and if yes, you can message me a suitable meeting spot. If that's good with you?"

"Oh yeah... sure." As I talked to him, so many thoughts occupied my brain. What will become of me? How will I continue? I had so many questions.

The biggest of them all was: Am I being selfish? Yes, the answer was yes. It screamed loud inside me, letting my heart deep inside know but the voice didn't really reach my ears.

"Siddharth..." When I called his name, I heard him hum from the other end. "What if I am being selfish?"

He must've been flabbergasted as I hadn't heard anything from him for a long time. "Why would you think like that?"

I wonder why. I wonder if I was always like this. A confused and deflected person, unable to choose between my mind and brain. As I gave it a thought, I realized, I might have to pause and rethink to know it for sure. To know myself for sure.

"Just... I think I am not good enough."

"Payal, if you are conflicted because of your position right now, don't be. It wasn't a choice. You needed this urgently. How is looking after yourself selfish?"

I walked over to close the windows. The noise of the cars and of family fights came through the window, screeching through my ears, threatening to kill me. The loud thumping noise from upstairs didn't stop even after all that.

Ignoring it, I sat down. "You are just being nice. I don't think I am doing good to you. Come to think of it, why did you agree to this in the first place? What if I am just using you?"

A pause and then I could hear his voice sounding ever like some born-rich prince out of a fantasy book, sweeping a girl off her feet. "Use me however you want. Don't worry about the past if that is bothering you. I will always be your ally."

I nearly imagined him on top of a horse, holding a hand out for me. The guy who kept looking out for me even after getting so brutally rejected. If he was another guy, maybe this would be the sign for me to run away- but he was different.

Why? Why is he like this? I stopped my running thoughts and barely managed to not ask him about it. I didn't know what would sound good after his heroic dialogue. "Good night, Siddharth." So, I left the unspoken words out with that.

His voice was calm but words rushed when he said, "Good Night and thank you for letting me be useful." Red reached my face as I heard the call cut from the other end.

A smile reached to my face unconsciously as I held my phone close to my lips. I snuggled under my warm blanket and kept smiling underneath only to get disturbed by the noise of footsteps upstairs.

"Can't you all keep it quiet?" I shouted with my lungs heaving up and down in rage. But obviously, my resentment didn't reach them as I heard the noise get louder and now it wasn't just the footsteps but also the screeching sounds as if they were pushing some furniture.