I had woken up on the couch, where we had slept off watching a movie. I tried to stretch, as I was stiff from the position, I had slept in. But, Fareedah was still latched onto my arm. I felt my cheeks heat up at the realization that she didn't run away and then tell me to get out once again. I tried to get up, so I could make something for breakfast before she woke up, but the moment I tried to get up, her grip tightened around my arm. I frowned as I began to hear quiet whispers and tears. "Fareedah?" She didn't reply me as she continued whimpering, making me worry even more. I gently touched her arm with my left hand, rubbing gently as I asked, "Can I see your face?" as I tried to lift her face. But she quickly buried her face in my arm, crying.
"Ni zunubi ne (I am a sin)," she wailed, keeping her face buried in my arm.
I was a bit familiar with what she was saying, because they haunted me for a while. "Uhn?" I asked, getting really worried. I was glad that she was making the serious effort to not let me go again, but that didn't change the fact that her reaction made me worry.
"Please," I begged her as I attempted to look at her again, but she didn't let me. Realizing that her arms weren't as tight as they were, I quickly pulled her into a hug, which only made her cry more. "There there." I kept gently patting her back, which seemed to be working as she began calming down.
We had been there for some minutes, before she sat upright and began wiping her eyes. But, the moment she looked at me, it was like she was reminded of something and went back to crying again. She wailed harder than she was wailing before. "Fareedah, I am a sinner," she told me, burying her face in her palm.
I shook my head, not caring if she was looking at me. "No, you are not."
"But I have sinned," she said between her tears, "doesn't that make me a sinner."
I shook my head again as I asked, "Is the sin in this room with us?"
"We are sinning."
I went silent, not wanting to argue with her, while I sat there, waiting for her to calm down a bit.
It took a while, but she finally did. When she did, I soon asked her, "And, why do you think so?"
"Uba (Father), said it."
I frowned a bit. "Uba?"
"My father."
I sighed, not knowing what to say to her. I couldn't sit there and start preaching about how it wasn't a sin, because I was also taught same. It was something that was often preached against and if it wasn't because I often live in the present, I will also be in a very conflicted state of mind. But, I always try to do what made me happy, and considered how I felt within. "Are you happy?" I asked her, earning a frown from her.
"Uh?"
"Are you happy?" I asked again.
She sighed, looking at her fingers as she played with them. "That is a complex question," she replied, "when I am with you, I am happy. But when you go, I am left with these thoughts and fears." Her eyes begin to water again. "They'd send me back there Celia," she said in a shaking voice, making my heart skip in panic.
"Send you where?" I asked in fright, hoping it wasn't what I thought it was.
She looked at me with her reddened eyes, tears had began to roll down her cheeks as she said, "To a place where I am to be redeemed."
My fears were beginning to be true. "What?"
"The retreat were they deliver people like me," she tried to explain. "I don't want to go back there. It was horror." She began to cry harder, while my mind began to run wild. Who did that to her? Why? I knew why, but who would comfortably do that to a person?
"Who?" I couldn't bring myself to reply more than one words, as I was too stunned. I had heard of such things, but I didn't know it actually happened.
She shut her eyes tight, like she was trying to shut out the memories.
"I'm sorry," I quickly apologized. "You do not have to speak about it."
She shook her, breathing deep as she replied, "I promised to try, and that is what I will do."
"You don't have to, if it is hard for you."
She shook her head. "It was when I was younger, in primary six or so, and I had told my elder sister about my crush on a girl in my class. She told me to never speak of such anymore. Not knowing what was wrong, I agreed and never spoke about it again. But, she told my parents. I was immediately sent to a redemption retreat, so that the evil spirit can be cast out. I was there for about a year, and resumed back to JSS2 like nothing ever happened." She began to physically shake, as her drying tears on her cheeks got wet again by the fresh ones she had began to cry. "I have never been able to be with anyone again, man or woman. I don't feel much attraction to men, apart from platonic feelings. And then you came along." Her shaking got serious, making me panic as I placed my hands on her palm, making her jerk away from me. "I'm sorry," she quickly apologized, but she kept her distance.
I didn't know when it started, but I had started tearing up. I nodded. "It is fine if you need some space." I stayed where I was, my heart hurting by her words.
She sighed, still crying. "I have a headache."
I didn't let myself process much as I shot up from where I was seated, heading to the kitchen to get her a glass of water. In order to avoid making her panic, I dropped the cup on the table, sliding it to her side of the table.
She drank it, immediately saying, "I think we should end this."
My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach, but I couldn't help understanding. I was about to agree with her, when I remember Christopher's words on how she needed to be pulled out of the sunken place she was in, and she needed perseverance. "I see your point," I told her, "but then what happens next?"
She didn't look up at me, as she still was crying, but wasn't shaking as much anymore.
"What happens when you miss the happiness you feel when you're with me? What happen when you go back to being alone and sad? What will you do when you are remembered of the happy moment we shared and the reminder of the fact that you can be happy? Regret? Would you rather regret or be happy? I am not one to make a decision for you, but I think you should choose your happiness. Live in the present. I'm not saying it past isn't traumatic and easy to get over, but always choose your happiness over anything."
"But, I'm a mess. And you will get tired of me sooner or later."
I shook my head. "Then you do not understand how deep my feelings for you are," I replied, my heart plummeting at the reassurance and confession. "I'm not getting tired of you when I am supposed to be there for you, and I won't let you push me away so easily either." I stood up. "But I will let you have your space, so, whenever you are ready just call me. In addition to that, I'd most likely be going home next tomorrow. That's when they will be closing the hostel."
I had picked up my stuff and began to walk towards her door. "Celia," she called me so low, I almost didn't hear her.
"Yes?" I asked, turning around to see her arms spread wide. She was still evidently shaking, her anxiety was still active. My shoulders slumped as I replied, "But Fareedah, I-"
"Please," she begged, her hands almost dropping from being tired. I couldn't help walking into her embrace, laying on top of her as my weight pushed her into a lying position. "I am scared that when you walk out that door, I will never see you again," she whispered. I could feel the trembling of her body beneath me. "I'm also still scared of being sent back to the retreat, but I feel my heart tearing at the thought of losing you."
