Perpetual Existence

Decisions

I sneak in through an employee entrance on the side of the hospital building. My father is already here and prepping for surgery. Bella continues to lose blood, and he fears a bone fragment is nicking something vital.

It takes considerable restraint not to head straight to the operating room to watch over her, kill her, or attempt her change. Instead, I look for Charlie, noticing, not for the first time, how muddled his thoughts are to me. I suspect it's through him that Bella has inherited her shield, keeping me from her thoughts.

The guilt he feels for accidentally shooting his daughter is unbearable. It chokes him, coats every corner of his mind with self-loathing.

"Sir." I startle him. "Have they taken her into surgery?" I already know the answer; Carlisle has started. Yet, I have to keep my thoughts away from his; I couldn't stomach seeing him cut Bella open.

Charlie's brow furrows in confusion. "You're Carlisle's boy?" He snapped his fingers. "Edmund, right?"

I offer a simple smile. "Edward, sir. I met Bella while she was in town the first time she came home." It seems easier to answer his unasked question, despite it being a lie. The truth will only hurt him.

"Your father was scrubbing in when I arrived." Once again, confusion has him wondering how Carlisle arrived before he did.

"My father and I were already heading into town when my mother received the call at home. She called us right after."

"Ah." If he realizes I've answered another unasked question, he doesn't seem to show it. Not even through his fragmented thoughts. It feels like I need to push harder than usual to get to them, and even then, I can't get every word.

"Alice and my mother should be here shortly."

Charlie nods. "My daughter told me about meeting them last time she was here." His eyes narrow down to slits. "Funny she didn't mention you."

Why wouldn't she tell me? Does...does she like the boy? Oh God, I'm not ready for her to date. If she makes it.

I manage to keep my reaction to his thoughts from surfacing, but only barely. If he only knew how well I know his daughter. Even though the place in-between the loops isn't real, it is to us.

I have to turn away, as I almost get lost in the memory of our time together. Being inside her. Loving her with all that I am. The only escape from this perpetual hell.

"Our encounter was rather short." I can't help but smile, remembering the memory from Alice's mind all those months ago. "She was very helpful to my mother and sister."

"Ah, Alice; she's dropped by a time or two."

What? My reaction doesn't surface, but inside I'm nearly seething. Had Alice seen something before all this happened? Was that the reason she insisted on helping Esme, instead of me going myself that morning all those months ago?

"She can be insistent."

Charlie snorts, nodding. "She dropped off clothes she thought Bella would love when she came back." He rubs at the back of his neck, a forlorn look on his face. "I didn't have the heart to tell her I didn't think she would come home."

"Alice has a keen sense of things."

He looks at me, his eyes narrow. "Your sister mentioned you once or twice, too. Now that I think about it." Our conversation is providing exactly what he needs, a distraction. His heart rate is almost back to normal, his blood pressure is still a little high, but considering the situation, it's much better.

"As I said, Alice has a keen sense of things...and people."

His eyes narrow more. "Have you stayed in touch with Bella after she went back to Phoenix?" Sadness replaces the suspicion in his eyes, realizing he may not be the reason she's come home.