Referees don't fall in love.

Hate.

The teenage sparkle that makes your body feel weird. The things I never want to feel and all the anger that you made me feel every time that we cuddled in September:

It's the silent time of the night. I wish i could take off this pressure from my chest, cause I'm not feeling the pain, probably cause its so much It does not makes sense to feel anything at all, but my chest IS crashing. I feel my ribs compressing, my heart sinking inside me. I once said to you, i would rather feel all the pain and all the love, rather than feeling nothing at all. Cause when you feel you grow, and I've been feeling stuck un the same place with him. Liking men who dont give a fuck about me, falling for just his sweet eyes, craving just his attention, giving my self to him, cutting out every guy in my Life, expecting him just to see me.
It's childish. I hate when I'm my mother's child, loving men who Will never love me back.
And sometimes I feel like It would be easier to just say what I am feeling. To just be me. But being me its always bad. And I've learned that everytime I let go, everytime I'm myself, I get hurt.
So I'll sit here, I'll be just the half of the woman I am till I find the right guy. Cause even though I want to pretend that I just want sex, Deep down i know its never like that.
I enjoy more the cuddles in bed than when we have sex.
I hate my stupid childish heart. Just take It out of my heart, rip It out of my chest. Take It with you everywhere you go. Or put It in the trash. Or give It to someone you like. I've been played so much, that I wouldnt be surprised. I just Will softly laugh, and say "again", then shrunk in bed for a week, get Up and keep achieving more in life
Fuck you. Its your stupid eyes. You dont deserve me. You dont deserve what I have and I Will fight with my soul to not give you that.

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Wow. I was really angry that night, sorry. You were definitely right when you said I'm a 1000/10 dramatic.
My thoughts have changed since I wrote that, I've grown a lot since I met you, I won't give you the credit though. You I'm more kind to myself now, I think that I just was angry because I had planned to become a soulless bitch and I couldn't because I'll always have a heart that it's bigger than my chest. I was still healing, still a little fearful about what liking the wrong man can do to you. Now I'm healed, that wound closed the day I understood there was never going to be space for joy and your smile if I didn't close the grip on my heart. I chose between hate, memories, the past, and you. And a place for you inside me.
Now I decor the interiors of my soul just to make you feel comfortable when I let you look inside me. I'm still not the best version of me, just because I don't want to scare you, but I'm still better each day. Thank you.

Please, don't get too narcissistic.