Referees don't fall in love.

Confusing sex thoughts

I wonder if you like me outside of your bed, or if there's a feeling other than being horny with me. I am falling for you, and you know it. But I like the fact that we both are pretending that nothing is going on , I will like to pretend till I leave, but I will like you to hold my hand in the street one day too.
I've been stupid, cause even though I try to have the worst thoughts on you and be grounded all the time, you are still there, taking a big space in my thoughts every day. I try to picture you with girls, cause it hurts a little but it's still the truth, a truth that will keep me from having strong feelings. Cause if I would have been special to you, I would have noticed. Cause if you liked me the way I do, you would treat me differently.
I want to hang out with you and not have sex, I want you to just fuck with me looking at me like I'm beautiful and not a slut, cause even though I enjoy what we do, my heart keeps wanting more of you. And it's my fault, cause I should have known that I'm not made for just sex. I have soul, a big huge soul that I try to hide from you, a soul that loves and it's grateful and it's joyful and gets happy about the small things, a soul that wants to hug and hold on to you when you look at me, a soul that is sad when leaves your house and when you remind me that I'm just another of your girls.
And going out with you fills me up with energy, and with joy, and peace. Cause I'm peaceful when I'm with you, cause It's my happy moment of the week. But then we keep going on with our lives, and then I stand alone in the floor of my room wishing I would have woke up with you, then I am alone during the week and at my lowest, I want to talk to you but I don't because we are not that for each other.
Life has been difficult lately for me, and I'm doing the same as you are doing, I'm trying to make myself focus as much as you are in your job, cause I would get lost so easily in loving you if I could. I would go wherever you go, I would listen and obey what you say, I would give you my time, my peace, the attention and help a man needs at the house, but none of that will happen.
Lately it's hard for me to picture a future where I call you and you don't answer, somewhere that when I want to see you I can't. I'm going to miss you a lot, and I'm afraid to admit how much courage of me it's going to take to say goodbye.
You said "if you don't hate me on December when you leave.." and I already hate you. But I hate you in the same way that you say that hate it's the closest thing to love.
And I hate you so much Anwar. I hate to enjoy more the talking than the sex. I hate to think about the places I want to go with you, and the things I would like to enjoy. I hate that I try so hard to keep my mouth shut about all this stuff cause I don't want to lose you, but my eyes say everything and you know it.
I'm not the prettiest girl you will see, I'm not the hottest, I'm not even the best sex or the best person probably, I'm just different. And that's what I tell my heart when all these feelings start breaking apart the inside of my heart, I'm just different, but that doesn't make me special for him, different it's not enough to be loved. I'm just not enough in that way.
I hate you.