Referees don't fall in love.

Lists, pregancy tests and delusion.

This is the man list, this are the requirements someone has to have to be boyfriend material. I would like a review on this one, you can leave a comment.

What I want:

- [ ] I want to be appreciated. Someone who tells me how beautiful I am from time to time, someone who will remind me how smart and good I am. I want to be seen but not a simp. I want a man that makes me feel like he is really attracted to me. I don't want to feel like a body bag that he just fucks, I want to feel that he chooses me because he finds something more than just empty satisfaction and pleasure in me. I want a man that it's picky with woman but chooses me. I don't care about monogamy, I just want him to still choose me over all the other girls. Not a simp but neither a cold man.
- [ ] Bring back manly man 🙏🏻 no bullshit, good self esteem, an adventurous soul, someone who decides to take me on dates without me having to ask him. Real men ask to see you, they don't wait till you get the idea.  Iniciativa. (Well, this only applies if the man actually likes you)
- [ ] Looks, idgaf as long as I am attracted to them. I want someone who likes to take care of their body, someone with healthy habits. I don't care if my friends say he's ugly as long as he keeps me begging for sex each night. I don't care about the body either, as long as he has healthy habits
- [ ] I'm not asking for him to pay for everything we do together, but it would be nice to see him do it from time to time. 50/50 every time it's boring. I have lots of things to give, I cook, I know how to deeply love and take care of a man,I make lovely gifts all the time, I want someone who can give that back to me in some way
- [ ] I want to feel admired. I want a man I can admire too. Someone that makes me feel like he's so smart, successful, he knows where he is going.
- [ ] I don't want a simp, but I want the right amount of attention and space so I don't get bored. Simps are nice for a week or two, then you'll get bored
- [ ] I want him to have time for me. I don't want to feel like just another hobby, I want to feel like an important part of his life without him taking importance out of his work and studies. I won't get in the way of his work, but I won't be waiting weeks for him to ask me out.
- [ ] I want to feel loved. Attention, attraction are nothing if you don't feel loved. He doesn't have to love you like you love him but he has to make you feel that you are loved.
- [ ] Good sex. No projects, no future "he'll get better". We have to have good sex first.
- [ ] A man who Can support me in my hard times and does not get mad at me when I show emotions. I don't want to keep being this fake all my life, I want to be able to show when something is making me sad without feeling utterly weak and stupid. I don't want him to fix my mental health, I just want someone who can make the way to healing more fun and easygoing. I won't put all my shit on his back, but I want to know that he'll be there if I ever need to cry cause I'm always embarrassed of showing sadness. I want to be able to trust
- [ ] I want trust. I don't want to be the crazy gf going through his phone. I want to feel like I'm for real his only love interest. I want to trust him in anyway possible. Trust to protect me, trust to always do the best for me, trust to give him my body, trust to tell him my story.He can sleep with whoever he wants to, but I have to be the main love interest always.
- [ ] I'm strong. I don't want to feel weak with a man. I want him to see the strenght in me but still choose to protect me, not because I can't do it my  self, but because he chooses to take care of me In that way so I can be relaxed and accomplish other things
- [ ] I don't want to always be asked what I bring to the table. I know my worth, I won't let any asshole to underestimate me. Real men won't ask what you bring, cause I do things the right way when I love, and if he doesn't see value in anything of what I do, there's no point to be with such a child man
- [ ] A mature man.
- [ ] Someone who can talk to me ab his issues and problems without feeling weak. If you are strong you won't have a issue sharing what's wrong.
- [ ] I want to feel like a part of his life, not just an extension.
- [ ] Someone who listens to me and actually thinks that I am smart and valuable enough to teach him things in life. All I've learned from man is pain, I want to learn something valuable this time and to be able to be the peace he needs to keep achieving stuff. I want to be one of the reasons why he wants to be better everyday.(I know you disagree with this one but I think that you can always be better, cause if he's the same person at 25, 30,40 I'll get bored)

Silly list innit ?
Sorry, I've been watching English movies.

There's no other way to bring this topic, I took a pregnancy test. It was negative, but I couldn't look at it until 30minutes later, cause my legs shivered and my heart was beating hard. I was afraid, I was afraid cause I knew deep down in my heart that I lied when I said 'no, I wouldn't have it'. I don't think I have such a loveless heart to make a decision like that so easily.
I'll keep obsessively testing myself to be able to breath, but I don't want to loose what we have in bed, so I keep all my fears quiet.
I don't think my body can bring life like that, but sometimes, the subtle fear of having to go through all that pain again whispers in my neck. All the blood, all the crying in the bathroom, all the loss and pain. I don't think I could get so easily to make that choice, I know It would be the best, but it would cost so much suffering and loneliness. I would have left in silence, I would have cried on my own and figure the way out of everything. I wouldn't have told you the truth, cause what's the point if I'm not having it. I wouldn't have wanted to listen you say hurtful words, to treat me so cold when all I would need in that situation is warmth, companionship. Men will never understand what it does to your mind to go through this.
To be a woman is to be a container of life, it's not so easy to let go that, to not suffer even when everything is already gone. It's loneliness, it's grieve of a future that will never be there.
So each time you pushed this topic on me, deeply I knew the answer, no, I wouldn't have it, but it's not that simple. You can't force me to be cold on this topic when all I am is warmth and love.
It hurt deeply when you asked so many times. That day I made a choice, you don't have the temper, the right amount of love in your heart to deal with this, and I don't want you to hurt me that way, so if it ever happens, I'll never tell you.
The last thing my hearts needs is to make the man I love into someone pushing me to the cliff with sharp words.