Referees don't fall in love.

The canceled date

Sunday
I'm incredibly sad by things you'll never understand. I've always had a hard life, I don't know why, I try to think that in between all this tragedy there were many people I helped. But you said it yourself, you cannot save everyone, and that's something that it's taking me time to learn. My family raised me to be a giver, cause that's the only way a woman can be truly worthy and special to them. So that's what I always did, I always gave everything of me, even what I didn't have, generosity was the first thing I learned. They taught me to never look at the glass half empty when I wouldn't receive what I gave, I was taught to see a half full glass.
But when it's love, when it's love it's hard for me not to always look at the empty spots. Cause they taught me so much about giving, that now I fall for guys who wouldn even look at my heart. I fall for man who don't offer me anything, at least nothing real. And I get it, it's because they don't want to.
This time I chose the right one, at the wrong time, with the unwilling to love anyone heart.
I got a call. A threat. He called me, he told me that he was going to kill me as soon as I return. It's been so many months, that I thought he had already forgotten about me.
The only place to which I want to return, it's not safe anymore. I have a folder hidden in my house, a folder I built each time he beat me, each time he forced me to.
I can't finish that phrase. But I have a folder, a folder with all my information, all the people I am in contact with, my bank account, my prints, my hair, a printed book of all the bruises he gave me and all the times he was into some dark shit. At some point of my life I was so sure that I was going to get killed that I needed to do that. He found out about the folder , he secretly looked for it each time that he was in my room. I never left him alone there.
One day a folder disappeared, not my important folder, but another one. A folder with my parents ID number, mine, my high school diploma and university papers. That's how I lost a semester. He stole from me so I could be miserable, cause he knew that university was the only thing that made me happy.
That's what got me to runaway to America, between many reasons.I didn't dropped out, I lost my papers and it took six months to get them all back to continue studying.
Now I'm afraid of going back. I'm so tired.
I have to disappear, to stop sharing with anyone my life, cause he always ends up finding me.
I'm still thinking if the smart thing to do is to call the police in Argentina. Everything is really corrupt there, he should be in jail, but he's not. His family are cops.
I'm still thinking what my next move has to be, I don't want any dirt on my hands. I don't want to struggle to find a job just because of him. I don't want him chasing me again, justice doesn't work.
That's why I keep thinking of running away. That's why I want Spain fast and quick, no plan, just to be far. I should stay, finish my non destructive testing inspections studies and then leave, but I'm afraid that if I stay for too long I'll be in danger.
It all feels like a fucking movie sometimes. Sometimes it feels like I made such a big mistake by choosing him, that I'll never be able to fix it.
Now I realize I'm bleeding, and I know it's the stress. We are supposed to see each other tonight, and I need a distraction so bad, but now I know I won't be seeing you. Now I realize that I want to cry, and it's not because this hurts, it's because even If try to keep my mind outside of this topic, I know the truth. You mainly care about fucking with me. And now I can't. Now I feel guilt, guilt about things I can't control.
And the whole world feels so out of my control. I just want to sit with you, look at the stars without wondering how much time I have left.
Life is weird when you don't know if you are getting killed tomorrow.
It's fun that you always tell me you are a gangster, cause I was with one and this is how I ended up. How can a girl who worked so hard to get places, ends up believing that such a shitty man is actually a good person? Cause that's how it always starts, until you realize what he's into, and now it's too late, now you can't get out, now it's too hard. Now your whole life is in danger, your family, everything for what you worked so hard.
So don't tell me you are a gangster again, cause that's what he said and I never believed it.I always laughed at that joke, until there was nothing to laugh about.
It has turned into a sad night, cause the anger I felt today when I got the called, has been washed away by the fact I won't be seeing you tonight. I'm sitting in my desk, dress on, make up on, amazing hair, trying not to cry.
But that's what you are for me sometimes, a little place where I can have peace, where I can be peaceful. You are a nice fantasy, a good lie I tell to myself when I don't want to feel sad. You won't want to see me when I tell you this , and I don't want you to waist your time with a girl you won't be able to take to your bed  when you can just text another pretty girl.
It's going to hurt when you cancel on me, and I'm just going to pretend I get it, but I don't. I don't cause we could do something else. I don't get it cause I enjoy soft kissing your neck more than getting undressed with you.
You'll tell me that it's not because you only care about sex, but I'm not that stupid to trick myself into thinking it's just because we are not going to be able to control ourselves around each other and then we won't be able to do it. I'm so sure that's what you are going to say, sometimes you are easy to read.
I'll go to bed thinking of the things I should never ask you, like what I am to you.
I miss you, and I need your arms, but you won't give a fuck about my sad eyes and all the things I want. I'm angry, I'm sad, and I still love you, even when you can't be what I want.