Referees don't fall in love.

What to do with unrequited love

I never understood what am I supposed to do with all my love when someone does not want it anymore. The world becomes a quiet place where I'm the only one screaming. The world becomes such vane planet, cause the only places I want to be are his arms, there's no star that Can equalize the warmth I feel in those arms. You started this fire again, and even though I would like to feel angry about it, I feel grateful. Once I decided that all this ashes should never be fire again. I cleaned my heart like I clean my bathtub, I left no black spots, no dust, no particles of gunpowder. I created a sink for my love thoughts and washed away all the possibilities of ever feeling like this again.
Then you came and smoked a cigarette over my soul, without knowing I'm made of paper, cause all I am is a long book full of poems no one can ever see.  I'm highly inflammable around you. I'm arrogant. I'm shameless even when I blush reading my own words.
You are combustible for my rusty engines, you are oxigen keeping the planes in the sky, you are air in my lungs and the last breath I take before I go back to the well I came from.
I never knew what people do when they feel they are living to love, cause saying "I will die for you" it's always the easiest way. I've already been in the in between where souls go when they are not dead but either are alive, I have already woken up on a hospital bed wondering if I was dead, wishing I was. That's how I know, it's always easier to die for someone, cause living a happy life for the ones we love it's harder. It's harder to change, to give, to become, to live just for the thrill of being able to love someone a little more. It's not the same as depending on someone to not kill yourself, it's always doing the best for yourself cause you want to be worthy of that love, cause you want to enjoy as many close looks as you can get.
I never knew what to do when I love and all I hear is silence in the other side, it always felt incredibly devastating. It felt lonely, it made me feel insecure, it made me feel like a dirt bag. But I haven't felt like that ever.
I have never told you the three magic words, just because I know some things can burn me so bad my eyes cry. I don't want to ruin your shirts with my make up and my love.
I never knew till I started to spend my afternoons at the park writing to you. All this letters that get lost in the in between.
I Can choose to turn all this love into poems, into a piece more of the big book I already am. I Can turn this little piece of what I think you are, into a piece of me, so I can go back and read you every time I want. I'll read you so much I'll erase the words with my eyes.
I'm choosing to put all this together to understand, to see how wrong, how right were my feelings, how crazy, or how stupid I was. I don't even care if I'm one year I think it was delusional to love you, cause I'll still be grateful for the spring you bring to my soul in the coldest fall I've ever had.
You are what I choose, cause I built all this for you.I created all this words, all this nonsense writing.  I made you, I made a little version of you in my letters, a version I Can love the way I want without it running away, a version that had time to read all my messages and enjoys the short things I write.
I know sometimes I'm mad at you. I know sometimes I fight so bad what I'm becoming that I get angry, that I go to my worst side. I know what I wrote in most of this book, but at the end, the truth is I'll always be a grateful woman. I'll always be the one that is grateful that rains and that it stops, cause even when I try not to reveal that I have those silly thoughts, it's what I am.
I chose to make you my starting point. This is where the woman I want to be starts. Even if we are strangers in a year or two, even if you get a new girl, even if miss you so much I start to hate you with every inch of my soul, you'll still be my starting point.
I've been dead for way to long. I only knew what it was to be dragged under the bed, to beg for forgiveness in the eyes of an executor, to be thrown against walls, to lose what I loved the most, to be killed and to be revived by rib breaking CPR. I only knew what it was to be in between deaths, and in the in between that we had, I found out what it felt to live without fearing death in that way.
You are the in between that I like the most, cause I always go all the way in or I go home. You are not what I want, but you can't either be that, I'm not what you want but I can't stay to be that. That's the special in between, we are nothing, but still something. I don't need any titles for this, cause we know.
We are this small big collection of poetic letters, we are at the end of new starts and two adults finding a little peace in daily chaos. I love you my in between, my start line. I cannot really be honest when I say sorry for feeling all this. I'm not sorry. I won't be sorry for loving you in such a short time.