Referees don't fall in love.

Our first date.

Saturday, you drive me to downtown. I only wore this dress so you'll see half of my leg out, so you put your hand over me while you drive. I only bought this dress so you could take it off, and I want so bad that you loose control, but I won't play it that way.
We get out of the car, and you my heels are too high, and I wish I could hold on to you so I don't fall, or so I feel closer.
You don't open the door for me, and I feel a little disappointed cause all I want is to look at your neck, but you always let me do the first move. It's the first time someone takes me out for dinner here, and I don't know how to act, it's been a long time and I feel dumb. I'm stupidly happy, but not hungry. I'm just hungry for you.
We drive back and we sit to see the stars, and that's my favorite moment. It's always my favorite moment, it's always when I wish you would be kissing me so hard, it's always the place where I want to cry thinking I'll never have this back.
Just get me into your room, kiss me, lie to me the way you know, fuck me so good I want to scream my feelings to you, you always know I want to.
Now that you know, now that my feelings are free, just silent, now I don't feel pain. It's just quiet loving, it's thinking how much I would like you to kiss me hard each time you say goodbye, it's trying not to leave my heart in your desk each time I see you. I don't think I want it if it's not going to be loving you. It's been years where my heart never gets what it wants, I just don't see the point in taking it back if it's not going to beat fast when you hold me close.
Last night I told you, I'm afraid that I'll never feel again after you. I'm afraid that I'll never write to anyone else, that all these fishes in the sea are not real, that all the times I've been told there is never one last love are lies.
My beautiful whim, I dreamed of you all night. You loved me and I loved you back, but then I woke up and I chose to forget. I just remember the peaceful feeling, the silence in my thoughts, the smell of your cologne and your hands on my back.
Stop giving me the good stuff little by little, don't you see how much my heart needs your touch, your words?
I'm afraid that you are right, that the years go on, and that you are still the realest thing I've ever had. You set a standard but I don't even care about it anymore, cause all I want is you. All I want is to never think again what I want, what I have to look for in a man.
I had a dream where you tickled me, where we were in an apartment, a different one, a big one that seemed to be your new house. We were okay fighting and I lost each time, but I was happy laughing under your body, I was happy under your control. Genuinely happy.
It's always like that, it's always my dreams the ones that hurt me so bad. They are bittersweet. It's bitter when I remember it's sweet when I live inside them. I slept ten hours for the first time in months, just because I was dreaming of you, just because I didn't want to leave.
There's not a lot waiting for me in Argentina, just things I have to handle, books I need to read, plans I need to make. You always judge me so bad when you say I want to live in Spain., cause I don't have a plan. I have one, I just don't know how much time it's going to take me to do everything, I don't want to think about it, it makes me sad.
You are the only place from where I don't want to runaway. It's cold outside, I'm sitting in that bench with you again, I'm shivering, but I don't want to leave. There's nowhere where I rather be. You smell like what I want to call home, you are such a good male fantasy.
You terrorized all my future plans by letting me love. You opened my bleeding heart, now I'm turning red all my white sheets.Now my lipstick wants to stain your new shirt, and I want to leave a mark each time I kiss.
You are the most real shade of my delusion, you are my Peter Pan shade, the one that moves and talks, the one that walks without me and can laugh at me , but you are still a reflection of what I am when someone gives me a little light.
My blue lighthouse in the wild ocean, my favorite shade of black are your eyes. My nails will always be white if you tell me "you are mine"
Own me, own me by heart and don't even touch it if you don't want. Make me part of your bookshelf, put me next to your paper planes, so I can just patiently belong to some part of you, till I see you again, till I grow I new heart capable of loving someone new.
I take long walks now, I listen to the same song a million times, I think about how many languages you know how to talk but still you don't understand what language my soul talks to you. You taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else, and now all this grammatical rules will have to be slowly forgotten, It'll become the Sumerian in my heart and I will only speak with the walls. You won't see my new apartment and the things I write in this rocks, they'll wonder if I am the oldest dead language in the world.
I'll learn how to drive and you won't be there to make fun of me.
You'll be an empty space in my nights. Someone will try to fill your shoes, and even if they fit, I will know it's not you. I don't want a glimpse of you, I want all the slow caresses and kisses on my forehead.
I let go a tear each time I think of leaving. I don't want to be here anymore, but this feeling holds me back more than all the smart decisions I should be taking. Cause I should be thinking about money, but I think much more that I want more time with you, that I'm not ready to let go, and that holds me back.
I don't want to take your hoodie off. I miss you and I'm not even gone. I feel pity for myself sometimes, always falling at the wrong time, for the wrong man. Always with a bigger heart than brain.
I want to call you so bad. But I lay in bed, I let this tear caress my cheek, hoping I don't have anymore tears left to cry when I say goodbye to you.
I love you. I feel so sad. I need a hug.