Astania Reviews

Azia | Demon's Bride

TITLE: Demon's Bride

AUTHOR: Nietelaria

Review

Disclaimer: Please keep in mind that everything in the review represents my opinion on what could make the story stand out more to who I think is your target audience. However, you know your story and your audience best, so no matter what is written here, please stay true to yourself!

Thank you for applying for my review shop! Your story has an intriguing premise with a dark, mysterious vibe to it. There's a lot of potential here, so story-wise, I think you're set! However, there is a lot to be improved in the way you write that I believe can make your story stand out even more.

Description: The first line of your description includes a really interesting question as a hook, "Can a demon desire a soul?". However, nowhere in the rest of your description talks about a demon desiring a soul. Sure, there are mentions of demons and souls, but a demon desiring a soul? I can't tell at all. So the first line just feels really random for now.

To fix this, you could (1) try to tie the rest of your description to be in line with the question, (2) tweak the question to something more appropriate, maybe, "Can you escape eternal damnation?", or (3) just not have this first line at all.

This is the rest of the description:

As an innocent victim of a bloody ritual, Camille was chosen [Descriptions are usually written in present tense regardless of the tense of your story!] as a new bride of one of the Seven Princes of Hell. Quickly, she discovered that this role would bring upon her a fate worse than eternal damnation. [These two lines can be condensed to be more impactful. I'll show an example later.]

When she had lost all hope, thanks to the unexpected aid of the demon's son, she got a chance to participate in the Great Souls Showdown of the Wicked Pandemonium Carnival - an event with the highest stakes as the prize. [What is the stake? What is the prize? What is even happening at the Carnival? Please fill your future readers in with more information!]

I wrote an example of what you could do here (but bear in mind that I am lacking a lot of information about your book, especially the last part about the Carnival): 

After falling victim to a bloody ritual, Camille is chosen as the new bride of one of the Seven Princes of Hell—a fate worse than eternal damnation. But there's a chance to get out of that fate: participating in the Great Souls Showdown of the Wicked Pandemonium Carnival. In the carnival, Camille would have to learn to fight, to face the biggest fears within her, and to bet her life and everything she grows to care about on the possibility of obtaining freedom again.

I hope you can see how I condense what you already have as well as add even more information at the end! Your description should to be easy to read and have as much information as possible about the actual plot point of your story: participating in the Carnival.

Cover: The cover is quite terrifying, which is great if that's what you're going for. I do think a milder image might be more palatable for the general Wattpad readers though, so I recommend changing the image if possible. The font is not very readable: it's dark red and kinda blends into the shadow of the statue. Maybe you could brighten the color a little or make the size even bigger? Either way, your title needs to be easily readable at a glance!

Tags: Your tag choices are perfect, but you only used 23/25 tags, so there are at least 2 more tags you can add to optimize your discoverability! I wonder if fantasyromance, succubus/incubus, or darkromance could work for you?