i saw my sister's dad tonight. he was trying to buy ice cream. i told him, "i got it. ur good."
i didn't. and he's not.
he's only gotten worse as the years have went.
i recently looked him up and saw he got charged with "Drug Delivery Result Death".
i wonder if mom knows. i wonder if my sister does.
i wonder if i would've known if i was more aware.
i guess i could give my mom some credit. she only wanted me to remember the good parts of childhood, but in doing so, i now remember none of it.
i have a vivid memory of our gym teacher sitting us down and telling us one of our classmates died. i remembered one kid crying hysterically.
i relayed this information to my friend, so we look him up.
he's alive & well.
so now i don't even trust the "memories" i do have.
i don't understand.
why does the same thing that literally keeps me alive not know how to differentiate dreams from memories.
that seems pretty faulty.
i have a lot of guilt thinking back on those times, too.
if i was more aware of how things were, would it all be different?
were there signs i could've picked up on?
how long were cigarettes not the only drug he would partake in?
was mom involved?
were they the reason mom sat down in bed with me and asked if i thought she should leave him?
were they the reason he acted the way he did when he was mad?
were our dogs affected by all this?
they were made into "outside dogs", locked away in metal cages beside the garage. so far away i forgot they existed sometimes.
i wonder if he did, too.
i wonder if they also suffered the consequences.
i wonder if i was more aware, could i have given them a better life while they were here?
i hope they know i would've if i could've.
sometime in my teens, my mindset shifted from longing for the past so i could change it, to living in the future because the present wasn't where i wanted to be.
"once i move out, everything will be okay."
"once i loose the weight, everything will be okay."
"once i graduate, everything will be okay."
"once mom's done with his shit for the final time, everything will be okay."
— i wonder if i were present from the beginning, what would be different?
