I can't do this.
He's having a child with her. This changes everything.
Ringing and ringing, voicemail. Hang up.
Call again.
Ringing and ringing, voicemail. Hang up.
Call again - nothing.
No answer from Charles, I'm on the floor of my hotel room, knees up to my chest as I wrap my arms around my shins. I can feel my breathing tighten, my head going dizzy, I feel how I did back that evening at the storage facility, but with a much worse pit in my stomach. I can't breathe.
instagram audio call -
"La, lan, lando." Gasping, barely able to speak his name.
"Lilly what's wrong, Lilly?!"
I can't respond, all I can do is pant - tears roll down my face and every ounce of my focus is trying to make sure I keep breathing, It's like I'm unable to pace it myself anymore.
"Lilly!!!?"
Incoming video call
I manage to answer the video call, as much as I'm in no state to be seen right now, I need his help.
"Lan, do - I can't - breathe. I'm pani, cking." The words barely making sense as they leave my mouth in broken gasps as I clench for breath.
"Hey hey, hold the phone up so you can see me. Just look at me ok."
"1, 2, 3" he counts, slowing down each time - slowing his own breathing.
"Focus on my breathing, don't focus on yours just focus on mine, breathe with me."
He slows his breathing, still counting occasionally to draw my focus away from myself - as close to the camera as he can be, making sure I can hear his calm breathing.
It's actually working, I begin to feel the tightness in my chest lift, air begin to fill my lungs properly as my tears stop falling. I fall into place with his breathing and I feel such relief.
"You're okay, just keep breathing don't speak yet - take a second ok." He says. I'm so glad I called him.
"Ok what's going on? do you want me to come to your hotel - I can get in the car now and be there in 15 minutes if you need me." He says.
As much as I didn't want to be alone right now, and he's made me feel so calm, that just wasn't a good idea. I'm not ever doing this again and retaliating because I'm mad at Charles by running to Lando. None of this is Charles fault, I just need him to answer the phone!!
"It's ok Lando, thank you for calming me down, you don't need to come here but can you just stay on the phone with me a little longer." I ask.
"Of course I can, I'm here as long as you need me." He replies.
I've sent Charles 10 messages, called him I don't know how many times - and still I've heard nothing. I just need to know what's going on. I'm muting all the notifications on my phone - I cannot take being sent any more screenshots of her post on my social media.
"Are you going to tell me what's happened, I can't help if you don't talk to me?" Lando asks.
"I could say the same to you, if you tell me what's going on with you - then I'll tell you whats going on with me." I reply.
"Ok well..." he takes a breath before continuing. "I'm just honestly finding things hard after being in lockdown on my own for a while, and then being back out in public - I love the fans but lately when I'm out I just wish I could walk without being noticed by anyone, when I'd messaged you good luck earlier I'd just ran back to my car."
I know it's taken a lot for him to tell me this, I can see in his eyes as we lay face to face, virtually face to face anyway. I've never thought how tough it must be for him, especially after going through the turmoil of Covid. Extreme loneliness to extreme attention.
"Hey it's ok you're going to be ok I promise, it's hard going from being completely alone to completely overwhelmed, don't ever keep all this in though Lando you can talk to me about anything and I'll be here, you've calmed me down when I thought I was going to literally die on 2 occasions now, if anything is ever too much - call me."
"How can I call you? You've still not given me your number." He jokes.
Always the deflector, but it does make me laugh - and if I can avoid telling him what's going on for as long as possible so I don't have to face the reality of what's happening with Charles - then brilliant.
"You can call me on instagram like we're doing now" I tease.
"Or you could just come and see me and we can be miserable together?" He says sarcastically.
I don't know how this has happened, the mood has turned so quickly in just a few exchanges of words, but this is exactly the reason I need to stop speaking to him, it's like nothing else exists when I talk to him sometimes.
"I don't know what hotel you're at or maybe I'd come." I joke.
"Pretty sure you do. Pretty sure you have a key to my room actually, and don't tell me you didn't bring it with you because I know you did." A huge smirk on his face as he says it.
I try and hide the shock in my face, but he's right. I did bring it, and now he's said it to me, I'm completely questioning myself and my reasons behind why i even brought it at all. What was I expecting to happen?
I can't do this again. I need to speak to Charles. My emotions are all over the place right now.
"I didn't bring the key actually, sorry Lando I'm gonna have to go I need to call Charles I'll speak with you soon ok."
"Not what I was wanting but speak soon then beautiful." He says. I almost melt looking at his face while he calls me beautiful. Fuckkk - go away Lando. Ugh.
I've called Charles a total of 38 times now. This is a joke, I'm close to calling Charlotte on instagram or something at this point.
I call again, he answers. FINALLY.
"Hey ba.." he cuts me off before I can finish.
"NOT NOW LILLY. I have things to deal with and I need to get in touch with Charlotte. Stop calling me!" He snaps before putting the phone down on me.
What. Why is he behaving like this. I burst into tears - this isn't how I thought he would speak to me at all. I don't know what to do or how to feel but I just can't stop crying. I understand he must be completely freaking out right now but that's no excuse.
Fuck him. Fuck this.
I call a taxi.
"Hi can I have a taxi to the Hilton hotel in Guildford please for as soon as possible."
What am I doing? Actually I don't care anymore.
Half an hour has passed, I've heard nothing from Charles and I'm now walking through the lobby of the Hilton hotel, questioning what I'm about to do.
Room number 4, I say to myself as I'm looking down at the key card, debating whether or not I should turn around and run.
I hear my heart beating as I take one slow step at a time down the long narrow hotel corridor.
I put the key card in the door - and I open it.
Lando launches from the bed in shock, probably thinking someone was breaking into his room. As soon as he realises it's me his whole demeanour changes as he walks towards me. Grabbing my face with both hands and kissing me, a shiver travels down my entire body.
His soft touch on my cheek, the way he smells. The pressure of his lips and the way he tastes as he kisses me. I don't know what this feeling is.
"I thought you didn't bring the room key." He smirks, lightly biting my lip.
"Shut up Lando."
I slam the hotel door closed behind me...
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Indecisive Lilly strikes again 🫢
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FanfictionThey were drivers, they were best friends. No one was expecting lockdown to happen in 2020, and Lilly and Charles certainly weren't expecting for their story to turn out like this.
