"I'm sorry, bud," Matt whispered, his blue Bug staring back at him. The hotel's on-site garage was lit in pale light, and every sound reverberated and and around the sterile-seeming concrete floors. He shook his head. "I was supposed to fix you, and it's taken so long." He sniffed. "I miss you, dude. I do. I really, really do. I'm so sorry." He cupped his hands around his eyes, frowning.
An engine cut out, and footsteps echoed towards him. Shuffling feet and a grunt, and Edward was sitting beside him.
Matt closed his eyes. "Sorry."
"It's okay," he whispered.
"No, it isn't." He wanted to continue apologizing, for waking him so early in the morning, but the sadness built like pressure behind his eyes, and his vision turned blurry. Matthew tipped his head onto Edward's shoulder. "I'm so sad."
"...why?"
"I don't know." He blinked, tears running down his face. "I, just...want to be needed. Wanted."
"You are," he said, hand placed around his shoulders.
Matt hummed. "Not like that. I'm leaving here. I-I quit, I know that, but I'm...scared. I'm scared of moving onto another job and not being...wanted. Needed. Not being so integral to something that if I lifted out, everything would come crashing down. I...I don't want to..." He closed his eyes, grunting. "I don't want to move onto something where I can be replaced so easily. I could try to get a teaching position but have no power over the curriculum, or I could get into a higher position and still have no power over the curriculum. I wanted to become a teacher so I could help kids who were being left behind, and I am now. But it's – I'm just tired, Ed. I'm so...fucking tired. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being angry. And I'm tired of being stuck in this 'What if?' limbo I'm in because I can't make a goddamned decision."
Edward squeezed his shoulder.
"And, and Lloyd," he continued, voice trembling. "I d – I didn't want to go this long without him. I-I actually started watching videos of Volkswagen engines because I forgot what they sound like. This wonderful chirping thing, and it makes me so sad. The sound made me so happy, but it hurts to listen to. I'm scared I won't ever hear it again after I finish converting him to electric. He'll be this adorable, soft thing that I converted to run quietly, all because Yang wouldn't let me keep him before, and now that I'm leaving, all the work to keep him will be pointless, and I'm genuinely terrified that I won't be able to recognize my own car anymore." Now Matthew was crying, soft hiccups puncturing his sentences as he wrapped a hand around Edward's arm. "I'm tired of the uncertainty. I'm tired of myself. I'm...angry, at all of it. I wish I could go back and change things but I can't. I hate that I feel so powerless and upset by it all."
"I know," Edward offered, soft and soothing.
"And I'm scared I like you. I'm pissed, and scared, that I like you for the wrong reasons, because I don't think I'm in the right headspace for...anything romantic, and you're being nice and sweet, and that scares me. And I know you've said that you're in my corner regardless of how you feel, but I don't like the feeling of taking advantage of you. I'm just this, this ball of anger and frustration and sadness, and you're so nice, and the freckles on the back of your neck are cute, and I..." Matthew sighed, turning his eyes just enough to see the other man's reaction. "I know this, probably, isn't what you thought I called you for, but I don't – I don't want to bottle this in anymore."
Edward's green eyes rested on him, neck craned far enough to see Matt's face. "You didn't call Toby? Liza? Even Audrey?"
"I wanted you."
A smirk crept onto the man's lips.
"Sorry," he said, grunting through his teeth. "That – " Matthew snaked himself away from Edward's touch, palms pressed over his eyes. "I don't know what that was. I'm sorry."
"Stop apologizing. You called me. You shouldn't apologize for that."
"I'm sorry I woke you up at the asscrack of dawn so you can hear me complain about all my problems and liking you."
"I would've come even if you didn't call to complain about your problems and liking me."
Matthew grimaced, turning away. "I...just, don't want to give you hope for something that might not happen. Like, who knows? You might meet someone a couple weeks from now who – I don't know – almost slits your wrists at the airport – "
Edward laughed at that.
"I don't want you stuck on me. I don't want to give you an idea that this could happen, even if I was in a good place. If I'm not ready now, and I don't know when I will be, I don't want you stuck on a possibility."
"That's fine, Matt, but you don't get to decide that for me." Edward shuffled, turning himself to face him fully. "I'm touched you reached out to me. I really am. And I'm not going to lie, hearing you say you like me is...nice." His ears turned pink. "And I do get where you're coming from, so I won't try and convince you otherwise. If you think you're not ready, then I won't prod." He leaned forward, hands pressed on Matthew's knees. "But you don't get to decide when feelings end. I don't get to cut them out and forget they exist like some people can. I like you, and that isn't going to change the fact that I'll still be here for you regardless of that. Because that's what decent people do for each other."
"Decent people," Matthew echoed, the phrase petering out with no ending.
"Yes. Decent people."
Matthew touched Edward's face. "You're a good man, Edward Reyes."
He smirked, touching the back of Matt's hand. "You're a good one, too, Matthew Robinson." Edward paused. "You're a really good man, Matt. You stayed for other people when so many others would've left. You care so deeply, and it – I don't know how to describe knowing that feeling makes me feel. And, again – " He leaned back on his hands, face out of reach of Matt's touch. " – the first cute guy to nearly maim me."
Snorting, Matthew turned away.
"Anything else bothering you?"
His hands flopped into his lap. "How much time do you have?"
Edward glanced to the horizon, the first glimpses of sunlight peeking over the nearby trees. "I have to be at work at ten."
"I'll try not to keep you for too long," Matthew sighed. "Here's my problem: almost five years ago, it was a dark and foggy night – "
Toby and Audrey were surprised seeing Edward exit the hotel so early in the morning. They side-eyed Matthew with obvious questions, only to be met with barred teeth and hissing. They did not ask.
YOU ARE READING
It's Definitely Not All Mary Poppins
General Fiction[A Slice-Of-Life LGBTQ+ Story about Found Family] Matthew Robinson's career as a teacher seemed to have stalled, yet when the winds in the East suddenly lands him in the employ as a nanny, Matthew realizes he's probably signed up for more than he ba...
