Ash Williams vs. The Omniverse

Chapter 3 - Unicorns and Chainsaws

ASH: I don't really like good lucks. I prefer to just shoot the shit and hope for the best.

Ash walks out of Larry's office and walks over to the wall of weapons. He sees his chainsaw. He removes his wooden hand, puts it in his pocket, and attaches the chainsaw.

Ash begins heading upstairs through doors using they keys that Larry Daley handed him. He walks through the halls heading towards Mufasa's office. He sees someone and quickly hides behind a wall. It's Dom and Neytiri.

NEYTIRI: I heard some whispers from Mufasa that there's a problem across the omniverse.

DOM: What kind of problem?

NEYTIRI: I don't know. He thinks it might have something to do with that book.

ASH (WHISPERING): Shit.

LARRY (Over Walkie-Talkie): What's the problem?

ASH: When I was with the Council, they read out of the Book of the Dead. The Necronomicon.

LARRY: They did WHAT? Ash, that could be devastating.

ASH: Trust me, I've had my fair share of experiences with the complications of the book.

LARRY: No but, it was read outside of reality. By someone in charge of reality itself. Ash, that could've possibly cursed the entire omniverse.

Dom and Neytiri walk away from each other. Neytiri walks right by Ash without noticing him.

ASH: We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I'm heading towards the office now.

Dom turns to face Ash. His face resembles that of a zombie.

ASH: Oh, you gotta be shitting me.

DEADITE DOM: We will feast on your soul, you sorry son of a bitch!

Ash attempts to run towards Dom with the chainsaw but Dom kicks him down. He climbs on top of him and starts choking Ash. Ash forces his arm up through Dom's head, spraying blood all over the wall and Ash's face.

LARRY: Oh shit.

ASH: Don't worry, kid, I'm used to it.

Ash proceeds to Mufasa's office. As soon as the door opens, alarms start going off.

ASH: Ahhhhh, Larry.

LARRY: What?

ASH: You didn't tell me the multiverse traveling device was a fucking unicorn. How does a lion even ride a unicorn.

LARRY: I have no clue. But that's not important. Get it and come back down. We need to talk.

Mufasa then enters his office. The same room Ash is standing in.

Ash quickly drops to the ground and hides. Mufasa begins to smell around for Ash's scent. All of a sudden, Mufasa flips the table and discovers Ash. Ash immediately slices at Mufasa's foot, causing it to bleed.

MUFASA: Ahh!

Mufasa jumps on top of Ash. Ash quickly grabs a lamp and smashes it over Mufasa's head. Mufasa claws at Ash's face which causes him to fall down.

Mufasa slowly walks over to Ash as he desperately attempts to get the chainsaw running. Right as Mufasa reaches Ash, he gets the chainsaw running. Mufasa goes to bite Ash's head off to finish it all but Ash lifts up the chainsaw. Mufasa bites that instead. Ash pushes the chainsaw forward as even more blood sprays on his face.

ASH: Gotcha, pussycat!

Mufasa falls. He's been killed by Ash.

Ash climbs onto the unicorn and rides back down to the Prison of the Forgotten. Ash arrives back at Larry's office.

LARRY: Ash, them reading that book... it did a lot of bad stuff.

ASH: Like?

LARRY: There are Deadites across the entire omniverse. But I've done some research for you.

ASH: I don't got all day.

LARRY: There are several Necronomicons across the omniverse all containing different curses and spells. There's one on Earth-1819139 that should have a spell on how to take care of the Deadites. You just gotta get there safely. And quick.

ASH: I can do quick.

LARRY: You better. We don't have much time. After that you have to come back and get all these people back to their homes. I know you have your chainsaw, but do you still have your wooden hand?

ASH: You really think I'd lose my hand? Baby, I've been taking care of this for 30 years. It's right here in my pock... et... It's gone.

All of a sudden, the alarms start to blare even louder and every cell in the prison opens. Releasing every inmate.

One of the inmates had used Ash's hand, which fell out of his pocket, to throw at a button that would release them all.

LARRY: Ohhhh shit. Grab your chainsaw. Grab whatever you can. This is gonna get very messy.

Ash gets the chainsaw running and Larry grabs Indiana Jones' whip and an Identity Disc.

LARRY: These discs haven't been used in years. Likely never will be used in reality again.

ASH: I don't doubt it.

Ash and Larry face the door. Getting ready to enter the hell house that is currently the prison.

ASH: Alright, Larry. Let's shoot the shit.