Rants 🤭

I feel like an awful person

I feel like I'm really mean to my friends and that they don't actually like me because today during class I was joking with one of them and she just told me to stop and that I'm not funny and that all my jokes really hurt her feelings and I don't know how to stop my humor because I'm just a mean person with my humor naturally, and it's not like I was trying to offend her I was just trying to make a joke and it made me really sad to realize that they don't share the same humor is me and what I'm saying really hurts him because I don't want to hurt them.

And this is just the same Moon girl, but she was one of my first friend at this new school. I transfer last year and her opinion really takes a toll on me because she's someone really close to me and as much as I can hate her sometimes for her actions I still like thinking of her as a friend.

But I don't want to change myself for them because I don't want to become that person who changes around different people I want to continue being myself and I feel like I can't do that because I got shut down and I've been raised to have a mean personality, when it comes to like jokes and stuff because of my older sisters always joking like that with me and I don't know how to stop it because I am raised like that. How am I supposed to turn around years and years of that type of humor??

And this girl, she acts like it's the easiest thing in the world because I guess she could do it. I don't know but it's just sucks right now because I'm thinking about it and it's just coming back into my brain that I should've been smarter with my words or I should've just listened and shut my mouth and started being nicer and maybe I'd  have more friends Y'know?

Like I was just playing with her I thought we were just like giving each other friendly insults like I didn't know they actually got to her. I said stuff obviously out of the blue that clearly weren't true and it was obvious that they were a joke or at least it was to me, but I guess she didn't take it that way and then the teacher got after us And it's been happening a lot and I just feel like a really awful person sometimes.

And my friends they're so nice I always feel like I don't deserve them because I'm just a mean kid who transferred from another school and got lucky finding them because of a mutual interest and then now they're getting into stuff and I'm going into sports again and we're separating and I don't wanna lose them. I feel like if I lose them then I'm never gonna make any other friends because of my personality. I'm very loud and sometimes I'm obnoxious and I'm kind of narcissistic and Im mean and a bottle up my feelings and instead of talking to someone, I'm writing down on this fucking Wattpad story

I always make fun of them for having no life because they take interest in their interest and they know a lot about them and I'll say "wow you really have a lot of time on your hands you no lifer"but I have no life either. I am obsessed with the ninja, Turtles and I know a lot about them and I have no room to talk Ever. If I ever said this stuff and meant it, I don't know how I can handle it because I'd be such hypocrite. Sometimes I don't like myself I don't like who I am sometimes and it kind of scares me, but even if no one reads this, I'm just glad that I get to write this or talk-to-texting to get it off my chest.

If you're reading this, thank you so much you have no idea how much you're doing just by keeping this story going and just the thought of someone being here and feeling empathy really makes me happy after writing these sometimes and I don't want you to feel guilty because none of this is your fault as we probably live half 1,000,000 miles away, but thank you.

Im gonna go watch heart stopper to cheer up even though I'm at the sad part thank you for listening I love you guys.

(Ps: I was crying retiring this and had to take multiple breaks because I couldn't see through the tears)