Rants 🤭

Burnout😍😍😍🫢😋😋☹️

I'm going to start this off with a list of the clubs I'm in
Student council
Sports
skillsUSA
DI
club volleyball
GT
NJHS
Then all my 8 classes from school
And then my home life.

It is so fucking rough to navigate sometimes
I'm stressed because this next week I have two competitions and two soccer games
On the same days
And then I have more competition the week after
And the week after

And today I just wanted to relax because I had been stressing all day about these different things I'm in and then I got picked up from school and dragged
into shopping(acting like I didn't enjoy it 😣) and it took my mind off things then I get home and its

"NAME do this"
"NAME come help me"
And I'm fucking tired. Every Monday I fight with moon and it feels like whatever I do or say say isn't good enough. Like I showed my mom that I got top 5 on my benchmarks "you could've have gotten 1st." It was math. I don't want to go into math I don't want to worry about math I don't want to add that on my fucking list.

But she wants me to be perfect and I'm not perfect. I try to pretend I am, smiling and laughing and staying strong and being nice and taking all the yelling and dis-appreciation, but it hurts. I try to keep up a wall of perfectness but even then there's cracks where I'm just not, perfect.

Then on top of everything, I got interrupted twice while writiting this to do more tasks. And I see my fucking sisters sitting on their heavy asses. And I so frustrated I start tearing up and I just suck it up all the time, I just want to know someone will listen.

I was complaining to my sister than our older sister was bossing me around, and I just wanted to hear a please. And I just wanted her to listen but she goes "yeah but that's not what she's trying to do" I know it's not, I know she's not mean she's the nicest girl in the world, I just wanted you to listen. I just wanted to hear a "that's sucks" or "I know" or Litteraly  just "okay" but that's not what happened. It sucks that I had to correct her and tell her that I didn't want for her to reason I Litteraly just wanted her to listen.

And I was really sad I was going to vent to a friend, but it goes back to wall of perfect. I don't want her to worry about me, I don't want any of them to worry about me, I don't feel like I'm worth it. Yeah I act like I'm worth a billion bucks but really, my life doesn't mean much.

It's not my family or fitness who are making me think this way, don't blame them. I love them, I would jump in front of a train for them.  I just feel like sometimes, they aren't really there. I feel alone, I feel like it's just me and then these thoughts come back and I fend them away with "your worth it, your beautiful, your awesome." But that makes me feel like a narcissist.

I don't like worrying about everything. I don't like that the only time i feel like I get a break is in the shower or in a car or in my sleep. I just want one day where I don't do anything. But I only get that in the summer. Actually, no I don't. I have off-season volleyball and basketball in the summer. Now this year I'll have soccer too. And I can't quit them because eh love sports, and my dad says I'll get fat if I quit.

Speaking of the shower, right now. I told my sister she could shower first, but I went inside and I just wanted to take my time and relax so I asked her "can I please shower first?" And she just says no. And I ask please again and no again and I ask why and she goes "because i want to go first" and maybe I'm tired of being last. Maybe I'm saying this just because I'm frustrated. Whatever, it's my turn in the shower, thanks for listening guys <3