Arrogant Bastard | Summerz

Chapter 12

Two months later, and doing my best to settle into the rented bungalow-style house, I concluded that losing Kazuha was a lot like a death and that I had gone through the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

In Las Vegas, when I realized she was gone, I went into denial. However, during the rest of the trip to California, the anger began to grow more and more as I focused less on the idea of losing her and more on the simple fact that she had abandoned me.

The bargaining phase came shortly after I arrived in Temecula and lasted about a week. If only I hadn't thrown myself at her. If only I'd told her how much I liked her. I blamed myself for her leaving.

The fourth phase didn't take long to overshadow all the others. Depression was the hardest. It gripped me for at least a month and a half. I did nothing but go to work, come home and mourn the fact that I would never meet someone who made me feel the way Kazuha did. Despite the way things ended, I felt that, after her, I wouldn't be able to be with anyone else. I would wake up sweating in the middle of the night, aroused by vivid, recurring dreams in which I had sex with her intensely, while she told me all the time how sorry she was, that she loved me and that she had made a mistake. Then I cried myself to sleep. Although the depression never went away completely, as the days passed without hearing from her the final stage of grief appeared: acceptance.

Although it was very difficult, I finally accepted that she would never come back to me. I had no choice but to move on with my life. That meant considering going out with other people again, even if it killed me. One thing was certain: I would never be able to forget her if I continued to lie in bed at night reliving what it was like to have her inside me.

I still longed for her. And it was possible that this feeling would never go away.

If there was a sixth phase, it should aptly be called purging the shit. I came to the conclusion that staying in my car was too painful. More than half of our relationship had taken place inside the BMW. Every time I looked to the right, I heard her laugh or saw her sucking on a Pixy Stix. Sometimes I swore I could smell her. Kazuha's spirit would always be alive and well in that car.

When I arrived at the dealership to change it on a sunny Saturday afternoon, I was very sensitive.

I finally chose an Audi S3. As I was leaving to get into the new car, the woman who had helped me with the exchange called out to me:

- Ma'am!

I turned around and saw her holding a miniature of Barack Obama. My chest tightened.

- You forgot this. I took it from your old car. There's a sticker on the dashboard, but we'll remove it. I thought you might want it.

I almost had her. Almost. Fighting back the tears that were starting to sting in my eyes, I waved at her.

- Keep it.

~~~☆~~~

In the months that followed, letting new things into my life seemed a bigger challenge than moving away from old ones.

Huh Yunjin was the CEO of a technology company and also my client. We spent countless hours together, working on a patent application for one of her recent inventions.

Although she made it clear that she was interested in me, I pretended not to notice the hints she gave me. She was very nice and looked great wearing glasses. Going out with her could also characterize a slight conflict of interest, even if the company had no set rules against dating clients.

The truth was that I just didn't feel ready. My mind was still too distracted by memories of Kazuha. As much as I had tried to get rid of her physical evidence, what remained after that couldn't be destroyed so easily, no matter how hard I tried. Although she had hurt me, Kazuha still remained in my head and in my broken heart.