The State of Grace

TWELVE

Grace

It had been a whole week since I left the house, since I had seen Xavier. He still waited outside, I could see his car from my bedroom. I checked every morning, he was still there.

Sometimes he would be inside the car, others he would be leaning on the bonnet smoking a cigarette. But he hadn't left, he was waiting for me. I was shocked he didn't come back and wait, but no he stayed outside our house for a week.

I truly had underestimated the love he had for me to do that. I didn't even know if he truly did love me anymore.

I struggled to understand how someone could love me after what I did to Xavier. After I ruined his life and then lost his baby. Of course he didn't know about the latter. It needed to stay that way, I couldn't break his heart all over again.

I lost our baby, not him.

"He's still out there sweetheart" I hear Gia's voice curve around the door as I lay in bed facing the window. I could see Xavier from here, I could see him waiting.

He was waiting for me, for me to come and see him. To tell him everything was fine, that I was ready to love him again. What happens if I do love him again?

Will I lose another baby?

Our love is destined too fall to apart and take down everyone we love in the mean time. Our love wasn't sacred, it wasn't kind and gentle like others. We weren't at peace with one another, we destroyed everyone around us while we were captivated in each others souls.

"He'll hate me" I speak out as I feel another tear roll down my cheek.

I had done nothing but cry for a week, I hardly left my room. The only food I had eaten was whatever Gia forced down me. She had seen me at my worst before, she knew how to take care of me. How to ensure I would come back, but this time I wasn't too sure I would.

In my mind, when Xavier came back to me. It would be like peace had been restored, I would be happy. I could share my grief and I would feel a weight off my shoulders. In reality; I feel nothing but guilt. I can't even look at his face let alone be near him.

I couldn't let him love me again.

I feel Gia's weight on the bed as I roll over her hand comes to my face to wipe the tears away. I couldn't help but fall apart, I didn't want too be a mess anymore. I wanted too, be normal again.

I couldn't be consumed by this feeling any longer.

"He would never hate you Grace" Gia tells me "I know he doesn't hate you, because look at him Grace. He's outside, he's been outside for an entire week. He loves you more than anything in the world, he would never hate you for anything you've done"

"I can't tell him now" I breath out.

I needed too have some times where he didn't know about our baby. Where he didn't know about my failure, he didn't know about the life we could have had.

"Then don't, but you can't leave him hanging any longer"

She moves my hair from my face, I knew she was right of course I did. I slowly raise from the bed as I look at the man outside the window. He sat on the bonnet of the car with yet another cigarette in his mouth.

He smoked when we first met, but when we got serious he stopped. He must have started again, I never knew why he ever smoked in the first place.

I don't say another word to Gia, I just pull myself from the bed and head into the bathroom before splashing my face with some water. I needed to get myself together. I had to face him somehow, I love him. I always have done, not once did my feelings ever dwindle for this man.

In fact they just got stronger and stronger, I longed for him at the worst of times. But now he was here, I had to see him.

I didn't even have any effort too get changed I just had to get this over and done with. I stand at the top of the staircase attempting too find the power to walk down the stairs. To walk out and see this man, to see the man that I just needed to be in the arms of once again.

"You can do this" I breath out to myself.

Slowly I descend down the stairs and finally reach the front door, my hand freezes as I hold onto the handle before opening the door. I take a deep breath before opening the door and head out onto the front drive. 

I only had a few hundred feet before I reached the only thing between me and Xavier. The gate that had shut us apart so quickly, I just had to do this one thing. I finally walk through the gate, right away my eyes meet Xavier's. He drops his cigarette, I watch him stand up straight before fixing his blazer.

His damn blazer, he never wore anything but business casual. I stand there frozen, I could hardly move. But he walked over to me, I managed to step forward a few steps before I can't move any more. He gets closer, I can hardly breath right now.

I feel his hand raise, he cups my cheek as I lean into his touch. I can't help but lean into the man I love; within a second he embraces me in a hug. I shudder at his touch, but I hug him back. It was all I needed for the past two years, I felt healed slightly by his touch.

"I've got you baby girl" He speaks as my tears fall and I break down completely