The State of Grace

FOURTEEN

Grace

I had no choice, I stood there staring blankly. I had no idea what to say or do in this situation, I just looked at Xavier from the staircase. He was begging for answers, begging me to tell him what was going on.

I couldn't tell him the truth, I was terrified. I couldn't tell him the truth about my life since he had been gone. That I had lost our baby girl, our small baby who I was supposed to protect no matter what.

I lost her not anyone else, not Gia or anyone else it was all me. I was the one who had her in my stomach too protect, but even in her safest place I couldn't protect her.

My eyes dart over to Gia, she looked at me with fear in her eyes. She had been a good mother to me, she had protected me. Always no matter what. 

"It's okay Grace" Gia reassured me, I slowly walk down the stairs before getting closer too Xavier who still looked furious. Still radiating that fear of whatever was about to come out of my mouth.

"Gia will you give us a minute" I ask, I finally reach Xavier. My hand runs along his breast bone, feeling his touch it was strange. I had never thought about this moment, I thought I would never see Xavier again.

But here I am, in his presence so scared to even breath wrong.

Gia leaves the room as she does I feel her hand touching my arm. She wanted the best for me, I needed her here right now. But I also knew that I could do this without her, I had to be strong.

"Grace I need you to be honest with me" Xavier speaks, his hand land on my hips. I push him to sit down on the bar stool, he looked at me.

I could feel the pressure on my shoulders like it was a real weight.

"It wasn't easy when you were away, I know it easy for me to say that but I promise you I found your mom and she helped me and I am okay that all you need to know" I say attempting to hold back all my tears that threaten to fall.

I couldn't tell him, I just couldn't he would hate me if he knew.

"Grace that's not good enough, what the hell happened to bond you two so much" I feel Xavier's hand land on my face.

I flinch at his touch, I can't handle the look on his face. He was begging me too tell him the truth, I couldn't handle this for much longer.

"If I tell you- you'll hate me" I feel my hands shake, I couldn't feel anything.

Nothing but fear.

"You've done worse" He speaks, I feel his words like salt in the wounds.

I wish I could say he was wrong and fight myself but I couldn't. I knew that I had ruined his life, taken his freedom and not even shown my face after the fact.

I had broken his heart, along with ruining his life.

"I'm still here Grace, you ruined my life. You broke my heart but I am still here, so whatever you're going to tell me" Xavier cups my cheek with a kiss to my forehead. "I'm not leaving"

I look to the floor, I can feel his arms on my waist. I feel him pull my body closer to him, the words were on the top of my tongue.

I had to tell him, did I even have a choice?

"The day after you left, the last day I saw you in the halls of the FBI. I wanted to fight, I came back to fight for your freedom" I breath, my eyes manage to connect with his. "But I had a medical exam, it was then I found out that I was pregnant"

The feeling of his hands on my waist drops, he pushes me away quickly. I stumble back, I look at him run his hand along his jaw.The pain was written across his entire face, the words thay just left my mouth had struck him like a knife to the heart.

Of course I didn't get to say much more before he pushed me away.

"Where is my baby?" He snaps, the use of the word my felt like he was squeezing my heart with his hand hard. He had ripped it from my chest and stopped on it.

"Xavier" tears fell down my face as I looked at him, attempting to find a way anyway of telling him what had happened to our baby.

To our little girl.

"Grace where is my baby! This was two years ago now!"

I can't speak but I just look at the anger in his eyes. The feeling of emptiness had impacted me more than anything, everything I thought would happen had happened. Xavier was angry for not telling him, he wanted his baby. He wanted his daughter he didn't know he had until a few minutes ago.

I couldn't give him her. I had lost her too soon, it was my fault.

"I lost her!" I scream "I lost her before she even got to breathe"

All of a sudden the angry drops from his face, his entire body turns back around to me. His eyes connect with the tears that had fallen down my face; he slowly makes his way over to me. I can't help but take a step back, not wanting to be touched by him.

Not after how he just reacted, how he shouted at me.

"Grace" He breaths out, his hand reaching up to touch my face. I pull back from him, the tears fell down my face but Xavier wipes them from my face. "I didn't know I-"

"You wouldn't"

"My mom, she knows?"

"She held me when I delivered her" I nod, I watch Xavier's face turn into shock.

"I had a daughter?" He freezes, his hand still on my face. I look to the floor, before looking up once more to meet his eyes once again.

"I called her Anastasia, Ana for short" I sniff "I know you picked that name for me, so I knew you'd like it"

"I love it" He breaths before kissing my forehead.