Little Sprout 🌱 A SandLongtae Story.

Prologue 🪦

SAND

After Ray had passed away in that car accident, I had blamed myself endlessly.

Guilt is such a terrible emotion to live with.

I should have never given that tape to Ray.

I should have stopped him from getting into his car no matter what it takes.

Most of all, I should have been able to save him, but I didn't know how.

Regret is like a poison that is killing me in slowly, making sure I live at least long enough to suffer the consequences of my impulsive action.

The first few months, I let grief consume me. I wasn't seeing anyone. I stayed holed up in my room crying. The room Ray had stayed in with me countless times. 

The room that still has remnants of the spoiled rich boy who had captivated my heart the first time I saw him smiling so beautifully across the stage where I was ironically singing a song about love at first sight. 

Ray who owned my heart completely the moment he laid his head on my shoulder, drunk and too tired after vomiting repeatedly in my bathroom, too trusting for his own good and despite his disheveled state, still so pretty, he could put any idols to shame.

In the room, I was physically alone but in truth Ray is everywhere.

He is in the feather pillow he bought over the second time he slept here, because he needed it to be able to sleep well. The pillow is still beside my own- Ray's unique scent, subtle now, but remains on it. 

He is in the extra pair of toothbrush in my bathroom still beside mine- red because it was his new favorite color, ever since he saw me wear it when he asked me to sing during the hotel pool party he threw with his friends. 

He's in my poor boy t-shirt that still hangs by my closet door which he always wears when he stays over- he loved it because he thought I was mocking him the first time I let him wear it. 

He's in the pair of sunglasses he had carelessly left on top of my drawer. 

He's in the vinyl record player he bought me when I carelessly let slip one day that I had always wanted but couldn't afford to buy one - he called it his friendship present and I graciously accepted when he argued we'd both be listening to it anyway.

If not for my mother and Nick, sometimes even Boston, Mew, Top and Cheum almost force feeding me, I would not have survived too. I wanted to just give up and follow Ray. How could I live on, when I caused the death of the person I love most in this world? 

I had no reason to live if Ray was gone.

The softly spoken "it wasn't your fault, we all contributed to his downfall and it was never your intention" all floated around my head, never seeming to be absorbed. 

Shallow words to console me when I know exactly how broken Ray's psyche is yet I still chose to use him to get back at Top, and for what? For revenge because he stole my asshole of an Ex and he was a cocky bastard. I had traded the best thing in my life for a meaningless revenge.

Maybe, I was also a little angry when I found out Ray was in love with Mew  and wanted to hurt them but I loved him with all of me and never intended what happened. 

In hindsight, I would have rather watched him happily be with Mew rather than be 6 feet under the ground with only a cold tombstone to remind me that Ray Pakorn had once been my brilliant ray of sunshine.

Now there's only darkness everywhere.