it's okay if it's you | ishman ✓

CH: 3

"i said im sorry!" ishan pleads for the tenth time, pacing around behind shubman.

"sorry? yeah, you'll be sorry when i kick you out of our room tonight."

"shubi, that's embarrassing."

"you don't get to talk about embarrassment!"

right. ishan just totally threw shubman under the bus to divert all the attention of the members onto him.

the trick worked but chaos ensued, and hence began the endless teasing.

"oh my god, is this you coming out, shubi?" yuzi exclaimed, pretending to tear up.

"gay," shami simply muttered and continued eating.

"damn, shubi, that's not what i meant when i said you should explore more," hardik laughed.

shreyas and siraj were being dramatic too. virat shook his head and thought of it as nothing more than a joke. rahul was the only one who seemed to be taken aback.

"i mean, we don't judge here but this is quite...unique," he said.

shubman had a terrible gut feeling about all of this. "no, bhaiya, i- ishan is lying, obviously. ishan! i would never cheat on you," he managed to say, trying to get control of the situation.

rahul felt that something was off about shubman's body language but he ignored it, knowing better than to overthink. it must have been another prank.

ishan laughed nervously. "yeah, well, whatever." he just wanted breakfast to end already.

rohit stared at shubman for a minute, which made the guy a little anxious. "don't let the media hear about it."

everyone else laughed but shubman felt uneasy again so he had to break off the eye contact.

he looked up, rohit was still looking at him. shubman shot a toothy grin, "they already know im committed to ishan."

rohit smiled at that.

shubman felt guilty for no reason whatsoever.

it's been twenty minutes since then and now shubman is mad at ishan.

ishan pouts. "you're overreacting."

shubman rolls his eyes. "im overreacting because that was not nice of you to reveal whatever happened last night."

ishan knows, he's an idiot sometimes.
"sorry man. that was something between us, i get it. i was just...you know how im like, you know?"

shubman sighs. "it made me feel nervous, as if i got caught doing something horrible. it's not...it's not serious, alright? let's just forget it."

ishan nods. "ah, well, are you feeling okay now?"

"yep, waking up early on hangovers really doesn't bother me anymore."

"it's the athlete body clock."

they both talk as they walk to the gym.

"shubi," ishan says before parting ways. "it's not something horrible, you know? kissing a man."

shubman doesn't know why ishan keeps talking about last night. didn't they just decide to forget it? and why is ishan saying it in that voice. the voice that is laced with pity. the voice that knows something shubman doesn't.

his stomach clenches in discomfort and he feels overstimulated by his surroundings.

"yeah," he says. then he laughs it off, like he always does.

ishan feels like shubman is still mad at him. nothing's wrong and they're talking just fine. but the guy is being lowkey odd.

"you have a date? really?" ishan asks his friend, who's come to borrow his cologne.

"uhuh." shubman might be running late but he needs to smell good.

ishan shoots him a funny look. "you sure it's a date and not an interview?"

shubman is wearing a suit. ishan wants to laugh but he's already made shubman upset once today.

shubman rolls his eyes. "it's a luxury hotel, like i said."

"so you're wearing a suit."

"why not?"

"alright," ishan says, a smile betraying his neutral expression.

shubman turns around, letting ishan take a overall look at the final fit. "fine?"

ishan has always admired shubman's looks. he's just got the right proportions, you know? the suit is not tacky and it looks classy on him to be honest. and his sharp features really allow the light to hit on the right angles. man, his best friend is hot.

ishan gets up. "maybe i can improvise a little...." he searches the drawers for a silver necklace.

"get rid of the tie, gill. you look like a goddamn insurance agent."

shubman takes it off with a pout.

"unbutton your shirt a little and wear the chain," ishan says but he does it for shubman anyway.

shubman can see the top of ishan's head. that makes him smile. tiny gremlin.

ishan's fingers feel warm against his skin and shubman focuses on where they linger.

"there ya go, sex on legs," ishan says with a wink.

shubman feels a tinge of warmth in his ears. "good because that's what im doing tonight."

ishan scoffs. says the guy who cockblocked me last night.

it's weird how abruptly shubman told him about his date. he didn't even say the girl's name, actually. though they're not always sharing about their sex lives, but ishan'd at least hear him mention the girl before. this is just too sudden...out of nowhere.

but well, who's ishan to judge. he's had a fair share of impulsive hook-ups himself.

"have fun, shubi," ishan says, waving him off.

shubman leaves with a smile.

the smile drops the moment he's out of the room.

he feels terrible to have lied to ishan. and he feels like a terrible human in general.

shubman doesn't have a date with anyone in particular.

he's just going to fuck whichever girl lets him tonight.

and he hopes it will make him forget about the man he kissed in the dark last night.

-x-

author's word:

things are starting to stir up a bit hahah.

ok, so i tried to depict shubman's internal conflict in this chp. denial, guilt, shame and internalized homophobia are said to be commonly experienced by gay people. i myself am straight but i want to try writing about the state of mind of such a person, you know.

also, shubman doesn't know that he kissed ishan btw. his mind just remembers the kiss and it makes him feel...a certain way.

was this chp a little short? or do you prefer it like this?

bye ♡