Spring is green | Kim Gyuvin

one.

Most people told me I didn't deserve the life I was living. They said I was living in a fairytale, a perfect family with parents who loved eachother and a role model brother and we were well off. They thought I was a try hard and just a thing for the parents to compare their children to

But what was lying behind it? A burnt out teenager, Depressed "role model" and the parents who got trapped into a loveless marriage for the sake of buisness. To outsiders, my family seemed like a dream. A doorway to heaven if you would

but it was all fake.

My parents never cared what I did, they cared about what I didn't do instead. They expected the most from me and my brother.

My brother, Lee Minhyung, was really nice, I remember looking upto him when I was younger. he had the perfect look, grades and skills. But behind that was a much more deeper secret, he was burnt out.

He always tried to smile and be happy infront of me and it worked. He used to smile and interact with the guests with a happy smile but then go in his room and just close his eyes, rest in silence. I always thought why he'd want to be locked up in that dark room but now I understand everything, the silence, the calmness. I wish he stopped acting as if he's fine when he's not.

My mother, Zhang Mingxia, was married off in a loveless marriage by her father and my grandmother at the young age of 22, having her first child at 25 and the second one at 33. She never was mean to me nor was she nice. My mother hid away in her room, coming out when guests were there. She hid her pain by going shopping, hoping that it could heal the soul but it never did.

I honestly don't remember the last time I spent with my mother. She was always busy abroad or shopping. You could even say that I was raised by the maids. It was funny how they knew me better than my own parents. My mom was beautiful, she was from a noble family and my aunt was a famous model in China so I could say our genes are good but

I don't think my mother likes me very much.

My father, Lee Hajun was a strange man. He was married off at 25, he never really did anything without my mother's consent. He was always respectable to whoever he talked to, if it may be
the maids or our family. I don't think I have much
to talk about my dad, that man has a crazy work ethic.

I remember the time I went to his office to pick up something personally, there was piles of paper and he sat in front of them while reading each one of them. I wondered if he ever made paper Planes with them. No-one would know with that amount. The only times I see my father are family dinners and parties that we are usually invited in. Sometimes I wished he'd say my name gently and embrace me like he did infront of the public

I'm Lee Naeun. You might've seen me on the TV singing or playing the piano. From when I was born,
I was always a yapper. I would sit alone in the
middle of the big playroom filled with toys but
with no-one to share it. It was honestly quite
boring,my childhood.

I then took classes for Violin and singing while also learning advanced Math at the age of 14. It wasn't the best because now I regret not enjoying my childhood. I got used to talking to myself. There
were times I'd sing myself to sleep or read a book
by myself because my mother wasn't home, my brother was locked up,the maids were busy and my dad... I don't remember what he did at all

During our family dinners, we all would eat in silence.
No asking eachother about what's going on with
our lives, all focused on our own as we didn't speak
at all. Hell, we didn't even make eye contact so it
Was a moment I hated. I wanted a family like my
friends where warm conversations were shared on
the dinner table with warm smiles and warm meals.
A happy family, that's what I wanted.