I'm Gonna Write a Book

Fake Friends

December 7, 2023

I recently heard a character on television say, "You know, the world is full of lonely people afraid to make the first move." 

I can't remember the movie but my smarter, future self will add it in later. (Movie is Green Book directed by Peter Farrelly).

This quote made me think of lonely people who are not good at shooting their shot romantically. Do they pine after someone and not at least tell the person? That's got to suck. Because I did that when I was younger. Until I hit a breaking point, I wanted to live a life of "oh wells" not "what ifs?" As an adult... that has changed once again. I didn't realize the "oh wells" are more like "oh shits" and I would think, 

"So this is broken heart pain, but at least it's not silent feelings pain." 

What a cozy sentiment. I thought I'd had solved why I was in pain, so that it  would never hurt me again. I am a person who is practical and tries to solve problems logically. I was lonely in my youth, so I relied on friends rather than family. What companion would be the least amount of effort and lowest turnover rate? Either a bestie or a boyfriend. I tend to avoid having a bunch of friendships to maintain especially if they're not sincere. If you're lucky, your best friend and boyfriend are the same person. Turns out, I had not solved why I was in pain. I found a lovely boyfriend but then it ended so abruptly and after the death of my best friend and dog Chloe. Pain keeps evolving as I grow and I have learnt lately that there is no avoiding it. Only pushing through and coping better. It sucks and sometimes it's easier to have a glass of wine (that just so happens to be in the shape of a bottle, but it's still glass) and watch a movie or show. If I could actually formulate and sell a successful plan to avoiding getting your heart curb stomped, I would be so rich.  

"You know, the world is full of lonely people afraid to make the first move." 

I also think about estranged friends. Friends too scared to reach out because it's been so long. And the type of friends who had a falling out and one wants to talk it out but they're blocked by the other. 

How do you make the first move to reconciliation when you're blocked? I have been struggling with this question even though the answer is quite simple. You don't. 

In other words, this screen writer really got me thinking about myself and those I have cut out of my life. Was I too harsh? I was recently cut out of my former best friend's life. 

First, I was confused. Our friendship at this point in time was minimal but I was hopeful. She then began taking days and weeks to get back with me. At the time she was my only friend and I really valued that. She made me feel heard and at least tried to listen. When she stopped keeping it touch it hurt but I was patient because she was planning her wedding. After about a month of radio silence from her, she called me and told me she was pregnant. I was super shocked.

I actually remember fumbling my reaction a little bit. I was at a loss for words because she wasn't exactly a person with a healthy state of mind. Kaytee loved smoking weed, and vaping at least once an hour. She would openly discuss wanting a child regularly, but would have some comments like,

"If I got pregnant I don't know if I'd stop smoking weed completely. I've read that it's not all bad."

Followed by, "If I could do like a DNA test on my unborn baby I would. Because if I know before it comes out that it's gonna be autistic, I would abort it. I do not have the capacity to deal with that." (I know, she is whack).

After processing her pregnancy news I said, 

"Congratulations! I know you've wanted a child for a long time. I am so excited for you in this next chapter of your life."