I'm Gonna Write a Book

Awkward Surge

So I have been thinking a lot lately about my New Year's Eve experience. The question,

 "Does he think I'm cute?" 

For sure has been answered. He does. Now, guess what genius thought popped into my head? 

"Would he date me?"

Go ahead and take a second to groan or roll your eyes. I get it. I just can't go back to being a hook up or a fling. Or if another woman approaches him and also says he is cute, is he gonna fuck her? I shouldn't care, but I do. I don't want to start having feelings and then have sex. It will only amplify what I'm feeling. I need to talk to him and set some things straight. 

I value our conversations and how he is always encouraging. Jared has become a wonderful aspect of my life, I don't want to lose. Since we haven't done anything other than snuggling, maybe we can both walk away uncontaminated. What I mean by that is, I can tell him how I feel. He can chose to date me or not. If not, we can go just back to how things were before New Year's Eve. No hard feelings, I wouldn't really expect him to date a 22 year old. That's why I am dreading talking to him about this. I wish I was more... whimsical let's say, to sleep with him and be nonchalant. Yet, friends with benefits always end up leading me to heartbreak. I always fall. 

I always end up getting hurt and it manifests into this envy for that suburban life. My thoughts start like this, 

"Damn I wonder how he likes his socks folded??"

"Does he like white or red sauce?"

"What's something he needs but hasnt gotten around to buying for himself?" (Other than hoodies).

"What kind of shampoo does he use?"

These are not thoughts someone should have going into a casual fling. I am incapable of casual. I want to see what he's like away from my dad and his son. I keep having this fantasy where I had enough money to buy Daytona 500 tickets and airline tickets for us to escape away to Florida for a week. If he was in my apartment and we had a whole week to just figure us out. There is no us, though. I know that, and it isn't very practical to think like this. 

It's just frustrating because I swore after I was done with Gene, I wanted an adorable farm boy, who is humble and does man things. I can't help that I found my adorable farm boy. Just kinda sucks he is my dads best friend. I have an impossible time reading him. At least, there's no whining shit from him like in my generation. I am a capable woman, but damn I wish a man could just handle things sometimes. 

My father told me that Jared called him to assure him I was making good choices and vouch for me. I didn't know that, he just did it. No whining, no complaining. Such a change from my ex. I think I'm so attracted to him because, well his smile of course, and he is the only man capable of not being scared of my dad. It is nice to not be with such a pussy, who complains the first second my dad gives him shit. I understand my father is a lot, but I am there for support and I have to take shit too, suck it up. 

I got mad over at Jared's the other day. My father and I went for a typical visit. Before this visit though, my father had told me to stop dressing so nice because it looks like I try too hard. I was pissed right the fuck off by that comment. First, all of my outfits are classy. Second, I dress for the lifestyle I want, not like I own three t-shirts and the same set of pants. Third, fuck off before I punch you in the throat. So, I wear jeans and a t-shirt. In the grand scheme of things, I still look good enough. I even wore the doctor who shirt my mom had that was cut to make my tits look good. Just to clarify, she didn't cut the shirt for me. She cut it for herself, then when she died, I found it in her room. 

There is this car show on in Jared's garage. It has this blonde girl, with a lot of (granted it looked perfect) makeup, and a booby tank top. I was pissed because this girl who isnt under her father's thumb gets to dress how she wants? And to top it all off John says,