I'm Gonna Write a Book

Woke Up Today

Today felt like I woke up.

I was dreaming and sleeping in my bed. I kept waking up in a coughing fit and having to go spit. I don't know why. I finally got to sleep around 3:37am (looked at the microwave on the way to the sink). I dreamt that Chloe was alive.

I dreamt Chloe was brought back and I actually felt it in my heart and soul. I felt like I did last year... I was happy enough and just more present and aware. I was grateful and felt like i was the last puzzle piece in a puzzle. I fit. I felt like I was where I belonged. I dreamt she was in front of me and I saw her there. I got to see that familiar shape of Chloe wagging her tail in front of my feet. I pet her head and heard her breathe. 

Then I had to work, and remember the dream skipping time a bit. I was at dave and busters with my friends and climbing down a tree house wishing I could stay out later. Then my father calls me and says,

"I waited for you to come home. I couldn't wait any longer, Chloe was in pain. I had to put her down without you."

Chloe was gone... again. This time I wasn't there for her. I was horrible for letting her die alone. I should've been there. I should've not let her go through that without love and support. I then remember crying in my bed. Sobbing. I just didn't want it to be real. I had to calm myself down so I could breathe, so I told myself it's okay and she's here. Just to take a breath. Then after that, I remember. I remember she is dead. I remember she isnt breathing so why should I? I remember my best friend is not here. I remember that I'll never look into her eyes and tell her I loved her. I will never walk her or pet her again. 

Dream ends.

I open my eyes to find I've been crying. I think, 

"Oh my god. It felt so real. I don't know how to live without her all over again. What am I gonna do?"

I run to the bathroom coughing and spit up more white mucus. I have no idea why I'm doing that lately. I hope it's cancer so I die. I know that's dark, but I am spent. I am tired. I miss too many people. I miss my mom, my brother, my nona, my cousin, my grandma, my nono, and now... I miss Chloe. I thought I loved everyone I mentioned, but they don't hold a candle to the void I feel without Chloe. It's like life isn't worth living. I simply do not care about the future. If she's not in it, it won't be the same.

Now, I drink. I finish the halfway gone bottle of Jack Daniels Apple. I reach for the other bottle and remember him.

I remember Jared. I remember how he was so smiley and hugged my whinnie the pooh sleeping stuffie. I remember laughing and just looking at him. I can't explain it, but his presence is so pleasant. I feel like he is genuine and kind and funny. I see his pain when he talks about hard things, and I see his smile when something makes him happy. When I'm around him, I feel a fraction of how I felt around Chloe. I feel like life is bearable. If I had Jared around me, I could see the point of the future. I could see the reason to care. 

Jared on the other hand... is an established man who knows what he wants. I am something he'd like to play with, but not someone he could fall in love with. I have a gut feeling that he won't ever love me or appreciate the way I love him. 

That's the first time I said the L word regarding Jared. It just slipped right off the keyboard onto the screen. I am in deep shit. How do I find the strength to push away the person who reminds me of Chloe?

I am too weak to. I am going to hurt forever. I don't know what to do.