I'm Gonna Write a Book

The November 4th Incident

December 12, 2023

After the exit of Kaytee I wanted to go camping at Huntington Beach. She was getting married November 4th and I did not want to be in the house we used to be friends in. My father also told me his friend Jared really wanted to take me kayaking since he heard I liked it. Jared loves to kayak and apparently his son John does not, so he's always on the look out for a kayaking buddy. 

I booked a 4 night stay at Huntington Beach. The trip was going well the first night Jared and John were not there. My father and I set up camp and went walking on the beach. On the second day, Jared and John showed up in the late afternoon. I was walking back from the pool when they showed up. I was embarrassed I had only my bathing suit on since at the time I was heavier weight wise. I quickly ran inside and went to take a shower. After I was done everyone wanted to go back to the pool. So, I put my suit back on and we all sat in the hot tub. 

I was so nervous to be in a bathing suit around Jared and John. Every second I was worrying I looked fat and wished I was skinnier. I have always felt that if I was skinnier I would be seen as pretty. Not as the chubby girl no one wants to bother with. I also wanted to be that girl everyone wanted but was too scared to approach because of my over protective dad. Not, the girl no one wanted. 

I took notice of how both Jared and John were comfortable without their shirts. I could never be that exposed. My bathing suit was tankini style. Having no shirt on as a guy is like a girl wearing a bikini. John's body was chunky but in a hunky way. I was sort of attracted to him. John has a nice face and a cute giggle that I want to hear all day. It made me want to get serious about my weight and how I looked. I wondered if he was attracted to me? If I can look past weight and see it as attractive, maybe he could too. 

How would John age? I look at his father. He is sitting in the hot tub and honestly, looks great. He has a nice complexion, great skin and thick, non-gray hair. At 50 years old he still seems youthful, compared to most 50 year olds. I used to think they were practically geezers already. Yet, Jared was looking like a dilf. Got to hand it to them, they are blessed with great genetics. Now here comes the problematic thoughts. Does he think I'm pretty?

That horrid question... Why on earth does my brain wonder that? Every time I think someone is objectively attractive I wonder if they think the same. Not like I want to be with them in any way, shape, or form. It always starts with well damn cutie, do you think I'm a cutie? I want the validation and it digs in. It's like in Inception, the power of an idea.  

That night we all turn in early because the two with good genetics were up early and tired from work. The next morning Jared and I were going kayaking. John and my father were going to the bar because they couldn't think of anything else to do. Fucking dumbasses. There was a volleyball tournament on the beach, bike rentals, walking the dog, the pool, the game room at the campground, and corn hole. 

I was nervous to be alone with Jared because I had never been alone with him before. I was stressed I'd say something stupid or be awkward as fuck. At times I don't feel the need to talk, other times I do. I was worried that Jared would take silence as me being rude. I also was excited to kayak, but was bummed I missed out on the bar experience. I had never been to one and got drunk. The bar was close enough to walk from the RV, so no DUI risks. It was right on the beach too, I bet it was going to be fun. I figured when we finished kayaking we could go to the bar after. 

I also have had a few conversations with John before this trip. We talked about dating and dating apps in a platonic way. The corn hole boards we have were built by John. It was impressive, I've never really been around a mans man. It seems so... I don't know, manly for lack of a better term. Yet, after seeing him without a shirt, he had this obvious masculine energy. I wanted to get to know him a little more and see if I could spot any drunken signs of him being attracted to me.