I'm Gonna Write a Book

Secret Crush

December 24, 2023

Have you ever had a crush on someone you shouldn't? Like it's completely inappropriate and if you would pursue it, the shit show to follow would be awful?

I have started to like someone new and the more I tell myself no, the harder it gets. I can't pursue him because it's my father's best friend, Jared. If anything were to happen their friendship would fall a part. My father is important to me and I'd hate to see him lose another person in his life. 

With that said a couple of days ago... Jared and his son John came over to the house to hang out. After a few beers we decided to go back to Zubies Dry Dock for food. Jared drove, and we all carpooled in his truck. My father had asked if I wanted to sit in the front seat with Jared or in the back. Jared chimed in and said I should sit in the front. Jared always opens the car door for me and it's little things like that, that make me feel special. Granted it's because he doesn't want his truck door slammed, but he is also a gentleman. He opens doors for ladies because he imagines his father is standing there. And if his father saw him not open the door for a lady, he would get his ass kicked. Those values are non existent nowadays. 

Back to the restaurant. I had 4 really stiff Bloody Marys and Jared had 5 margaritas, my dad had 5 as well. In addition, Jared, my dad and I did shots of grand marnier. Needless to say... Jared and my dad were a little fucked up. I was at a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10. (10 being the most drunk) Yet, Jared disappeared when we got back to the house. It turned out that he fell asleep on the toilet. John kept pushing me to, "go check on my buddy" so I walked down the hall and knicked on the door. It sounded like he was startled, confirming the suspicious that he had fallen asleep. I stood in the hallway and the door opened. Jared takes one step out of the door frame and reaches for the wall to keep from falling over.  Jared says,

"I needa lay down." In a drunken slur.

I cleared off the bed in the guest room, I was sleeping in. He took two steps into the door frame and collapsed at the foot of the bed. I was trying so hard not to laugh despite it being hilarious. I felt bad for him though at the same time. Jared lost his first born son a few months ago. He is taking the holidays hard and he is coping through alcohol. Losing a child has got to be so unbearable. I grab his arm and help him up off the floor. I do my best to support him and guide him to the bed. Jared sort of dead fish plops onto the bed, once his head hits that pillow, he is out. I leave the lamp on and close the door. 

I walk out into the living room where I hear John saying,

"I need to go home to get insulin."

It was around 7:30pm and I was a little bummed the night ended so quickly, but shit happens. I walked to the store and got a bottle of Apple Jack Daniels. I drank a lot because I thought everyone was in bed for the night. I even put on my pajamas. I texted John that my dad went to bed and he decided to go to the bar with his friend rather than come back. Not gonna lie I do not have feelings for John but it hurt my feelings he didn't want to hang out at all. What a dweeb who only likes being around my dad. 

Half a bottle of Jack Daniels later and Jared woke up and my dad did too. Which was super annoying to me. It's like my dad helicopters around. Especially because I enjoy talking to Jared, he never tells me to shut the fuck up. My dad does... so I lose patience with him quickly. 

We were all just standing in the kitchen talking. This is where it's a little hazy. Jared went outside to talk on the phone and John came back because my dad was awake what a kiss ass. I went outside because I was over listening to those two clucking hens. I stood next to Jared and that's when he grabbed my ass. I was into it so I didn't move. I stood there and just put my head on his shoulder. He was rubbing me for a while, I'm not sure how long. I remember John staring at me and me staring back. I was so happy though, I have been secretly wanting something to happen with Jared for so long. I even told my dad I liked John so he would never suspect my true feelings. 

I was elated about how fun the night was and sad when Jared had to go home. As soon as they left my father lost his shit. 

He broke my wine glasses, my dead mom's wedding champagne glasses, my bedroom door, anything glass was not safe. He called me a whore and terrorized me all night. I first tried to hide in my room and he broke the door down. I then tried to hide in the RV but I forgot to grab the spare keys so he could get in. I frantically kept trying to hold the lock so he couldn't use the keys. I was so scared. I genuinely was so scared and he kept calling me a whore. My ferret's cage is also mangled and her water bottle fell off of it. There was so much glass on the floor it looked like snow. All I wanted was to be back in Florida and away from my father. It was such whiplash to go from being really happy to terrified and sad. 

I ended up packing my Playstation 4, Nintendo Switch and laptops so he didn't break those. I was desperately trying to find my ferret because I didn't want to leave her with my dad and a house full of broken glass. When I found her, my dad came in and I was scared. I fell to the floor and it really freaked Noodle out. She panic wiggled out of my hand and disappeared under the bed. I tried to move it but my dad was yelling and screaming. To be honest I was so drunk I can't recall exactly what he was saying. I just knew he was standing over me while I was on the ground. He kept getting closer and closer to my face. My dad spit as he yelled, he was so angry.

I eventually had to accept I couldn't find Noodle and fled with my dog Sunflower. I ran past my dad whistling for the dog. I ran to the drawer with the keys and darted out the door praying Sunflower was following.

I got in my car and Sunflower hopped on my lap. We drove down the street. I ran back to the house and drove away in my father's car. I didn't want him to follow me so I made him think both cars were gone. Also I had all the car keys luckily there are no spares of those. 

I went to my Grandmother's house about 50 miles away. It was freezing when I finally got there. I had no shoes on, a tank top, and black spandex shorts. It was so cold. I approached the thermostat then immediately crawled into my grandmother's bed. I missed her so much. She isn't at her house because she is in a physical rehabilitation center for her broken back. As I laid there I tried to piece together what had happened. I remember the butt stuff, and I shouldn't have stood there. I flew too close to the sun and got burned. 

I had no clue how my father found out. I have no clue if he saw what happened with his own eyes. I am just so confused. Could John have told him? I couldn't believe the rage to have come out of my father. Someone get me a straight jacket because I totally would have gone through it again. It was worth it.

I've had lots of little moments with Jared since I've been out in California. One day the song Good Directions by Billy Currington came on. It's one of my favorites. I was bopping along and began to sing the chorus quietly to myself. When I looked up Jared was singing too and when our eyes met we both smiled. 

Another little moment was when I first got to town I wanted corn hole boards to play in the backyard. John built them for me and my dad. I would bring them to Jared and Johns place to play. Jared and I always stood on the same side, and at first I didn't know him very well and was a little anxious. Yet, he is so easy to talk to. I always make sure to bring out a beer for him if I go get a white claw. One day when playing corn hole, I was walking inside to use the restroom after handing Jared a beer. As I closed the door I heard him say,

"That's a great gal, if she was 20 years older. Sign me up."

That comment really made my day. Hell it made my week. It was so nice to hear someone say with such sincerity that they liked who I was. Not who I was trying to be.