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FIFTEEN ✃ ICH WILL NUR DICH, MEINE LIEBE.
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MARYLIN'S POV 2021.
𝕸y life was falling apart. And yes, you then put them back together. They'll only talk about me and you.
𝕾ometimes I simply wanted to leave and escape. Fall into my eternal state of confusion, leave behind every doubt that filled my exhausted brain like a dam, and be able to say goodbye to the past, leave it behind and remember it only as an ugly misunderstanding. I thought, though, that if I didn't care about anything, I wouldn't be me anymore. The Marylin always ready to give more interest to those around me, no matter how much I was ultimately hurting from my consequences. I yearned for others to be great, and for me to sink into my sea of deep problems.
The desire to escape had never left me. Not even with Matthew.
I used to want to do it, to run away from him, because in my heart I knew the risks, and my problem with men. To feel bad for yet another man who would let me down, who would never give me what I wanted.
I wanted someone to love me. No matter how much I stifled the problem by trying not to think about it. My father's absence had been a big problem, leading me to be insecure and extremely convinced that I was not "lovable"
This I would have said in the past.
It was a long time back, before I met Matthew, before I...fell in love with him. Deep down, with all my heart, I was dripping blood and inside was him.
I had realized it that night. After we had conceded so many times I had expected him to understand. I had whispered to him that I loved him, I didn't think he had guessed, I had thought that maybe German was an unfamiliar language to him and so I was safe from that nasty setback. That saying it that way didn't count.
