"Do you ever shut up??!!!" I scream at the tiny person that is wailing like a fog horn in the back of my car.
We have been driving for 45 minutes and she has screamed or wailed or cried the entire time and I'm about ready to turn around and take her back to where we found her, no amount of money is worth losing my hearing for
"I have been kidnapped!!!" She screams
"I know that, I'm the one that fuckin kidnapped you!!!" I scream back and then look to Niall who is busy grinning into a bag of potato chips. "What are you so happy about?"
"I got the prize" he beams as he holds up a small clear bag that holds what looks like a tiny plastic car in it and I just roll my eyes as our human 'prize' begins sobbing into her dogs fur
"You know, if you were actually crying tears you would have drowned him by now"
"Don't you listen to him Eugene Fitzherbert mommy would never hurt you"
"Mommy?"
"He's my baby"
"He's a dog"
"Ssssh!" She cover the dogs ears as though he understands what's being said and might take offence. "He doesn't know that, he thinks he's human just like us... well just like me, you aren't human you're a monster!"
"That's me, big, bad, monster Travis" I roll my eyes and continue driving whilst Niall continues munching noisily beside me
"I need to pee!"
I look in the rear view mirror at her and I swear this bitch is smiling
"Tough! Cross your legs"
"It's because of the terror I'm feeling at being kidnapped, it's putting extreme pressure on me and making me need to pee"
I swallow down all the abuse I want to scream at this women and remember she's the pay day so I smile back at her through the mirror
"Cross. Your. Legs"
"You know it has been known for people to become so terrified they actually shit in their pants. Is that what you want for your car?"
"No it is fuckin not what I want for my car so do not even think about it"
"I wonder what my shit would go for on EBay... more than this car is worth that's for sure"
"Is it possible to legitimately hate someone you only just met?" I ask Niall and he looks up at me as though I had just suddenly teleported into the car
"What was that?"
"Her!" I motion to Taylor with my head "I fuckin hate her and we only just grabbed her"
"I can hear you" she says whilst gazing out the window
"I couldn't care less, I will tell you now, to your face that I hate you!"
"Well I hate you more!" She huffs never looking at me "And I still need to pee"
"You need to be quiet that's what you really need to do before I just murder you now and ditch you at the side of the road"
The idea of murdering her just to shut her up makes me smile a little and then I spot a gas station and realise letting her pee is probably an easier and less messy way of shutting her up. I pull the car over and then turn to face her, pushing my sunglasses into my hair so she can see in my eyes how serious I am
"Say one word, I will kill you. Make one squeak and I will kill you, try to get anyone's attention and guess what..."
"You will pat me on the head and give me a gold star for being a good little girl?"
"No I fuckin will not!" I turn back around in my seat and stare out through the windshield trying to calm my temper before stepping out of the car with her and turning around to face her again and I do it just in time to see her sticking her tongue out at me.
I'm going to kill her... I pray to God no one wants her back and I get to cut her into tiny pieces and feed her to her own dog
"Okay, you're my girlfriend"
Her face crinkles in horror
"I am fuckin not!"
"To the outside world, yes you are. You will hold my hand, I will escort you to the bathroom, you will pee, you will hold my hand..."
"Don't expect me to wash my hands after I go then"
"I hate you"
"Hate you mooore" she says in a sing song voice and I have never wanted to rip someone's tongue out with my bare hands more
"Straight there, straight back" I take a deep breath, preparing myself for whatever she tries to pull and then step out of the car and walk around to her side, opening the door and offering her my hand
"I hope you have sanitiser, I'm going to need it after touching you" she says whilst taking hold of my hand and I pull her forcefully to me, her hand going to my chest to steady herself as my lips go to her ear
"Any games and you are going in the trunk for the rest of the journey" and then I pull her from the car and slam the door shut, knowing this is likely to be the most difficult trip to the bathroom I have ever made
*Any opinions on this?
