𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞 ★ leah williamson

10 - this is me trying

By the time our team dinner rolled around, my mood was dimmed as I sat between Syd and Klara, listening to their forks scraping against plates and the sound of their conversation floating past me. My day today has been up and down, and even though our training session had gone great and Syd and I had had a karaoke battle in our room shortly after, I couldn't shake the other events of the day- the conversation about our upcoming match, the pressure of the next few days landing my place in the starting eleven and the fact that my brother once again declined the possibility to come and support me after months of not having seen each other. To make matters worse, Mama had texted me while I had been in the shower, like she did everyday, asking how the conversation with my brother had gone. It had been tempting to text her back, asking if she possibly knew more than me because although Marik was quite shielded when it came to his thoughts, I knew he spoke to Mama and Papa more than he did to me. Although, he likely talked to everyone more than he did to me.

My plate was still full, as I knew it would've been too obvious to ditch the dinner completely, and it would've been too obvious to leave my plate empty and just sit back the entire time, busying myself with anything other than food.

I lifted a fork half filled with rice to my mouth and chewed the food obsessively, only swallowing when Syd game a glance from the side. The dining hall was loud and busy, the sounds of eating and conversation reaching my ears from every side. My fork met my plate again and this time it stayed there. I was done with eating. I hadn't even started.

Time passed agonisingly slow as I soon couldn't follow Laura's, Syd's and Klara's conversation, the three being deeply busied with the Bundesliga and how Bayern would play Frankfurt against the wall next week, although Laura attempted to state her point, saying they'd gotten a good line-up and had managed to save a clean sheet the past few games. I hadn't followed the course of the German league except for that one game Leah had forced me to watch, even though I knew it was only one club I was attempting to escape.

"What do you say, Ellie? You're neutral now, aren't you?"

"If you're asking whether or not I'm gonna root for Frankfurt, the answer is no. You might be their star but Laura, your team is going to lose", I huffed, smiling at the girl pitifully.

She threw her hands up in frustration.

"Of course that's coming from a Bayern, you haven't even seen our matches!", she argued, making me laugh at her outburst.

"You asked her!", Klara snickered through a mouth full of food.

They soon continued their conversation of catching up and analysing how every team was doing, and sooner than later it was time to put our dishes back and get ready for the evening. I stayed seated for a second, lost in my own thoughts as my teammates left the table, but I was soon joined by Alex, who sat down next to me, her hand on my shoulder, a serious expression on her face. The dining hall had emptied completely within what felt like seconds, leaving me to wonder how long I'd sat in a trance-like condition.

"Are you alright?", Poppi asked before I had a chance to even react to her presence, her eyes darting back and forth between my somber expression and the empty plate still sitting in front of me, taunting me.

"Yeah", I huffed, although I knew that Poppi already knew I was lying. Lying. I cringed.

Poppi was one of the only people who had ever addressed me about- my issue, as Martina called it. I had made the mistake of asking for help once, and after realising how badly it cost me, I'd made the firm decision to never mention it again, but even though I had kept quiet all throughout my career with the national team, Poppi had known. Fairly, I hadn't hid it well, but through the lack of communication of my side, the team had sort of accepted it as one of my traits- except for Poppi.