Darkness echoes its way through and through. I could barely see what lied ahead of me, or beside me. There was nothing but a tiny ray of light piercing its way through an infinitesimal hole in the wooden wall. I was thankful that there was this light at least. At least I could still feel alive, even if I didn't.
Maybe this is the longest I have stayed here, in this desolate room, 4 hours maybe? I couldn't be sure, but the dryness in my throat was almost stabbing my oesophagus now, I wanted to get out of here. But I could not. Not until I screamed a complete sentence, "Help me, I will talk, just let me out."
I would give up everything to be able to say that, I would maybe even give up on my life, I would do anything, but I simply can't. I just can't speak. No matter how hard I try there are times where I can't speak. I have a billion things on my mind but I can only convey my feelings through gestures and signs I make with my fingers and hands-something my mother tremendously abhorred.
That's why I was here. Because I refused to speak, but I wish she knew I didn't refuse, I just can't. I can't even utter a syllable...unless its my dad. My caring dad who does everything for me. The only person who cares for me, since I was a child I only spoke to him, as he was the only one who didn't quite literally force me or shame me. However, he was barely at home, mostly at work.
Unlike my mother who always worked from home, being the CEO of her fashion company. I sometimes wondered whether she was even my mom, how could she treat her own child like this? I wish she understood me better. I wish she had always been kind to me. But maybe I don't get to say anything.
I shouldn't say anything since she is the one who kept me in her womb for 9 months, and ruined herself to have me. I don't get to say anything because it's not fair to her that her own kid who she nurtured in her body doesn't talk to her. But maybe that's because she hated me from the beginning.
I remember being 4 and her screaming at me for drawing instead of practicing the alphabet. Then I remember being 6, she scolded me for having a slice of cake, on my birthday, because she didn't want me to get fat...but I was so bony, at times I felt so weak. Whatever food my father fed me, she would make me puke it out and I was only 6. Only six.
I wish I was able to tell my father the truth, but if I do I'd wreck our happy family, besides, my younger twin siblings deserve happiness, not sadness. They're only a few months old now, and I'm 9, I can't strip them of that, and even if I wanted to, I can barely talk to my dad now as well. I can barely talk to anyone, anymore. I can't talk.
What if I just don't exist anymore? What if it's easier to just not have to breathe anymore?
What if I grab that wooden splinter that is just randomly next to me and pierce it through the veins of my wrist? All of that would be very simple, wouldn't it? So I do it, I grab it and poke it right through the green lines that flow through my bony wrist.
Nari wakes up, panting for breath, uneasiness rubbing across her chest, why did that memory resurface now? Was something bad going to happen? Would coming to this show actually be worse for her situation? She didn't want to think about any of that, so she got out of her bunk bed, thanking her past self for choosing the bottom bunk so as to not disturb her roommates.
She was excellent at finding things in darkness, by now. So she grabbed her black jacket, zipping it up over her baby blue pajamas which were given to every trainee. She slowly opened the door, trying not make any creaks and to her luck the door was quiet. Nari walked towards the common room where trainees were allowed to "chill", how ironic since all you could do was freeze in the cold and turn numb due to the stress.
Nari applauded those who were able to stay so happy even in these struggling moments, but she knew they too hid their pain, just much better than the others. Nari expected the room to be empty, since it was 3 in the morning, and people were sound asleep or in their rooms, but just as she approached the couch by the window, where she wanted to sit, she saw a familiar figure slouched on the sofa, looking out and gazing at the pretty snowflakes drizzling down.
"Oh it's Yujin," she thought to herself, not sure what to do in the situation, until he turned back probably recognizing a presence behind him. "Oh, it's you," he smiled, flashing sparkling eyes that looked gloomy. "Come sit here," his voice broke, sounding as if he was crying only seconds ago. Nevertheless Nari sat beside him, pulling out her pocket diary, which she was thankful was still in her jacket, since she realised she couldn't speak.
"You must still be uncomfortable," Yujin sighed, but the girl nodded a no, shaking her head profusely, quickly scribbling something on the sheet of paper. "I just had a bad dream, so I guess I'm overwhelmed? And...there's so much stress already, I don't know I've been feeling very weird since the audition day."
"Me too Nari, me too," he sighed, suddenly, his breaths turned shaky, whimpering as he couldn't help but cry, tears quickly flowing out of his eyes, yet again. "I can't do anything, I'm so worthless, I'm good for fucking nothing, I just can't seem to be on any beat, but I'm trying, I really am trying, I'm so sorry-I can't-I can't do this!"
Hearing those words broke her heart, how could he say that to himself? How could he feel that way, he shouldn't, so what if he dropped down a star, that didn't mean he was useless, he was amazing, he really was, and she wished she could tell that to him, but she couldn't...or could she?
"Yujin, listen," a meek voice left her lips, grabbing the attention of the sobbing boy. "It's okay to not be good, it's okay to make mistakes, d-don't blame yourself, you can do so much more, just have faith and hang in there a little longer."
"I believe in you, you should trust yourself too, because you can do it, and you really will."
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