Escalators {Frerard}[COMPLETED]

➳saudade

It's stupidly short but it's an update and it's a filler so whatever

❝Saudade- a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or has been loved and then lost.❞

I think my life had ended.

Normally I wasn't an overdramatic person. Normally I wasn't even a remotely dramatic person, choosing instead to simply shy away from any form of anything resembling drama. Yet, sitting in my room in the dark, the door locked from the inside and my senses seeming dulled to the point that they had basically stopped working completely, I could quite honestly say that I was fairly certain that my life had ended.

My chest hurt. My eyes hurt, but I didn't cry. This was a numb sense of almost-grief, a loss of what was the only thing keeping me going at the moment as it was. It was gone. I wasn't allowed to see Gerard anymore, I was barely allowed to leave the house, though that didn't really bother me because I didn't want to go if I couldn't go with him.

I didn't have my phone anymore, either. That had been taken off me almost as soon as the front door slammed shut behind us. The thing was, she didn't even have to tell me. Not once yet had my mother told me explicitly that I wasn't allowed to leave the house, but I knew there wasn't even any point trying to get out of the front door.

I hadn't argued my point. I was beyond argument at the moment, completely done with the idea of fighting it any more. Finding my dad and losing him, finding out about the accident, the fact that my own mother had tried to kill an entire family, and most worryingly, the fact that there was nothing that I or anyone else could do about it.

Clearly she needed some kind of help. Professional mental help, or incarceration in some high-security prison. There was a serious, serious problem here, something so crazily messed up that the only thing I could do was sit in my room and feel my heart break, because if I saw my mother or Ryan at the moment, I would either throw up or give up. Probably both.

There was something telling me that this would all be so much easier if I could only speak to Gerard. All I wanted to do was get all of this poison out of my head and then maybe I could think through what the hell I could possibly do. There was no way I was going to let this slide, my mother was an attempted murderer, my brother wasn't my brother but for a brief earth-splitting moment I thought my boyfriend had been, but that was understandable seeing as my dad had pretended to be his dad for seventeen years whilst presumably pretending that I didn't exist.

My head was a mess, and my life had ended.

Even now, the rational part of my head was arguing that I was being ridiculous. My life hadn't ended, since when had I become the kind of person who shuts down like that? The part of my life that was really worth living had ended, but that didn't mean me. Surely there was more to me than that? Yet, at the same time, it really wouldn't have surprised me if I'd have melted into the ground and not even noticed, because I had never loved someone like I loved Gerard before. That's why I was such an absolute mess- because I'd never had to deal with anything like this before.

And plus my family had basically disintegrated before my eyes, and no matter how much I'd expected that to happen at some point, bearing in mind that I'd always had my doubts about the sanity of my mother. Confirmation made it worse.

This was exactly why I was having so much trouble. Sitting in the same place for hours on end with only my own toxic thoughts to tear apart was only going to make this whole incredible mess even worse, but what was I supposed to do when my front door was locked for the most part, and only ever open when I knew Gerard would be somewhere else?

I'd thought about Gerard a lot too. Obviously I had been through everything that I could remember that he'd done for me, the fact he'd dragged me out of this stupor of a life I'd been living in and made me feel alive for the first time in about seventeen years. Thanks to him I had been able to consider the possibility of something other than wasting my life away doing a degree that I didn't even want, and true I had upset my mother, but rather that than suffer.

Every time we'd been somewhere. Gerard had taken my bucket list as a personal challenge, and I was so unbelievably grateful that it astounded me. From living a life where nobody seemed to care about me all that much, having someone like Gerard who put me before himself so completely and implicitly was so strange and so welcome that my heart was hurting. He had to deal with some massive shocks too in this, and all I wanted to do was call him.

I couldn't call him, though, could I?

Believe me, I'd tried to get my phone back. I'd snuck around in the kitchen at night when I'd been getting food that was now to me as tasteless as cardboard. I'd taken a risk and searched through my mom's room when she'd briefly gone shopping. I couldn't find it anywhere, and it honestly wouldn't have surprised me if she'd have gotten rid of it for good.

Maybe it was a good thing, though. It wasn't as though I could possibly think of anything to say. I didn't know where I was supposed to start with all this venom that was filling my head, much less how to actually turn it into a stream of speech that would make sense to another human being. A loss for words was definitely not something I was used to, and I hated feeling so pathetic and useless. I'd fished around in my mind, the archive of vocabulary in my head, for something to describe this. This crevice that was splitting my soul straight in two, tearing my heart and poisoning my mind.

I could find nothing.

What if I never got it back? What if I was never myself again after this? Could I be myself again without Gerard?