Decaying Hearts

Lonely Graves

I had tossed and turned for hours, all I could think about was Lexi. She didn't deserve this. She deserved to be able to grow up, to live more than sixteen short years. I told her it was safe. I was the one who didn't completely kill the infected. Her death was on me, no matter how they were brought here.

I glanced at Isaac who laid behind me sound asleep, his chest lightly rising and falling against my back. His arm was sprawled across my waist. I was surprised all my moving throughout the night hadn't woken him. I slipped out from his hold, sliding down the mattress towards the door. I needed some fresh air to clear my head. I poked my head out of the camper to see the fire still burning, no one must have been in the mood to put it out.

I took a seat in one of the lawn chairs facing my camper, the cool night air brushing against my skin. Jacob nodded at me from his seat on top of our camper with his rifle in his lap. He was tying two sticks into a cross. I just stared into the fire getting lost in the numbness I felt. My eyes drifted to where the infected had been piled up earlier today, only their stench remained. John and Jacob must have cleared out the bodies. No way Jerry wouldn't participate in that.

Not even the light chorus of crickets and katydids could bring me any peace. Nor did the crackling fire, all sounds that would usually bring me a little peace. Maybe I didn't deserve to feel peace.

"I'm going to check around the woods," Jacob whisper shouted down to me. To which I just nodded.

After Jacob disappeared down the ladder, out of sight. My gaze on the crackling fire intensified. The war inside my head escalating. Everything was my fault, I deserved to feel this way. I held my hand out to the fire, the warmth already burning my skin. I brought it closer to the blaze calling out to me, almost touching the flame when a voice from behind me made me snap it back. "What are you doing?"

I turned my head back to see Kieran who stood at the gap in between the campers.

"Nothing," I deadpan, leaning back in the seat.

I didn't even avert my gaze as I heard the lawn chair beside me squeak. Small bits of ash floated up from the smoldering blaze, as I wished he'd just walk away or stay silent. I didn't want another pity conversation.

"You know personally I would have let you beat the shit out of that asshole," he muttered, resting the makeshift crutch against the chair.

I turned my head towards him, his words piquing my interest.

"Was she your little sister?" He quietly asked, leaning onto the armrest.

I shook my head.

"You know when I first saw you. Right after you killed that infected, and you were standing over me. I thought you were an angel sent to take me to the afterlife." He quietly said. "I think it was likely due to the concussion though," he added.

"You religious?" I asked, my eyes drifting back to the fire.

"Not really," he answered. "You?"

"Nope," I shortly replied. How could I be in this world? How could anyone be?

"You know it's not your fault right?" he inquired.

I didn't reply, I just kept my eyes on the orange blaze in front of me.

"I thought it was dead too. You couldn't have known," he pressed, I could feel his eyes burning a hole in the side of my face.

"I told her it was safe," I admitted to the guilt that was clawing at my chest.

"You thought it was," he countered. He took a deep breath, "I told my little sister the same thing, I told her we were safe just before she was ripped from my arms by freaks. In this world things change in the blink of an eye, things we can't foresee."

I glanced over at him, "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too," he slightly nodded his head. "We have to keep going not for ourselves, but for those who can't be here anymore. It's how we keep pieces of them still alive."

I nodded at him, taking in his words. A brief silence blanketed us under the starry sky.

Kieran cleared his throat, "I guess your boyfriend hasn't learned to never tell a woman to calm down yet."

"He's not my..." I trailed off not even sure what we were.

"You sure about that?" He raised his dark eyebrow at me. "Sure looked like he was your boyfriend earlier."

I just shrugged, returning my gaze to the fire.

"Good to know," he mumbled before carefully lifting himself from the chair. "You should get some sleep. It's going to be a long day tomorrow."

He was referencing her funeral we were having in the morning, the reason Jacob was making a cross. I nodded to him before he disappeared back into John and Jerry's camper, where they had made him a spot on the floor to sleep. I stayed out a little longer until Jacob returned, just staring at the flame.

Isaac lightly shook me awake, "The funeral is soon."

Groggily I glanced at the window behind him, seeing the soft orange light peaking through the faded white curtains. I couldn't have gotten more than an hour of sleep. I rubbed my heavy eyes before pushing myself out of the bed.

Silently I got ready before following Isaac to the creek, where Jacob had dug a grave in the small field nestled off the flowing stream. My chest felt hollow seeing her small body wrapped in a dull white sheet on the dirt beside where her skin and eventually bones would turn to dirt. Participating in a long established never ending cycle of human nature. The cross Jacob had made, already was impaled into the dirt at the head of the hole. A lonely singular grave, condemned to spend eternity alone.

Everyone stood around the grave. A sorrowful atmosphere threatened to suffocate us all. Silent as no words could make this better. No words could bring back the dead.

Carrie's loud cries twisted with the breeze, as Jacob and Isaac gently lowered her body into the grave. I couldn't cry anymore, all my tears had been used up. Instead replaced with a crippling wave of numbness. I didn't deserve to grieve, this was my fault.

John's voice was suppressed in my ears as he read from the eulogy he must have written last night. I could hear his voice, but I couldn't make out his words. It was like the world had been muted. My eyes stared off at the hole that was slowly growing with every bit of dirt Jacob shoveled in.

It should be me in that grave.