III: The Soldier and the Fairy Queen: Red Eve

XIII: I'm Drowning in It

A/N:
So, I know that the timelines been a little hazy. Just for reference, this chapter is five (almost six) days after Sunny's kidnapping. February 20th, 2017. I cut all realistic travel times down by half, bc, you know, it's a story. I'll notify you all of the timeline every couple chapters. Anyway, love to see that people are actually reading this! Thanks for investing your time in this story! I promise, it --probably;)-- gets better.
-Scarlett A.

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"Hey, Cap! We have a situation!" Sam yelled at Steve from the Quinjet, waving his arms.

Steve, Nat, and Bucky all trudged in silence to the open door of the Jet. Steve squinted against the harsh sunlight, "What's wrong?" He filed away all of the information they'd learned and focused on Sam.

"The Wakandans just called. They said that Sunny was spotted in Estonia," Sam said, pointing back to the front of the Jet.

Wanda, who was sitting on the floor, smiled slightly, "Are we just going to sit around and talk about it all day or are we going to go get her?"

"How fast can we get there?" Steve asked Sam.

Sam shrugged, "Ten hours, at the least."

Steve sighed and ambled to the pilot's seat, sitting down and closing the door as soon as everyone was inside. It was only when they were in the air that Steve let his mind stray to what happened in the cave. He could hear Nat explaining what happened to Sam and Wanda. All they'd learned was that LAZARUS was a different form of HYDRA. And that Buck was Russian-Jewish-American. That was still a lot to get a hold on. Steve thought back to when they were kids. Bucky's mom hadn't looked any different than anyone else. Pale skin, dark blue eyes, and brown hair. He remembered her scraping together enough to bake a cake for Bucky's birthday during the height of the Depression. It had been small, but it was still a cake.

She'd told them once that she had a twin sister. Steve hadn't believed her, saying, as he recollected, "You're too pretty to have a twin." Bucky's mom had smiled at that. Her name had been Winnifred, and she'd wanted Steve to call her that, but he'd always stuck with 'Mrs. Barnes'. Bucky didn't talk about them, but Steve always got the feeling that his parents didn't like each other much. Mr. and Mrs. Barnes had something like a fifteen year age difference. He wondered if Mr. Barnes had comforted her when they'd received Bucky's killed in action notice.

"Steve," Sam shook his shoulder.

Steve looked up at him, "Huh?"

Sam chuckled, "You were starting to do Bucky's fifty-yard stare. I'll fly if you want to go back there and catch some shut eye."

Steve considered it. He looked up at Sam and grinned, "I thought you said you weren't a pilot."

"Oh, shut up," Sam punched Steve's shoulder lightly.

Steve surrendered the seat to Sam and headed toward the cabin. Nat was on her phone and Wanda was sitting beside her, throwing random comments out every couple of seconds. Bucky was sitting by himself in the corner, staring at his hand. Steve lowered himself down beside Buck, leaving plenty enough space in between them. These days he never knew what was going on inside Bucky's head.

"Hey, Buck," Steve sighed as he leaned back against the cold wall.

"I killed her, Steve, she tried to help me escape HYDRA, and I killed her," Bucky said, and Steve could hear the twinge in his voice.

Steve could ignore him. He could go to sleep. He could pretend he didn't hear and avoid being an impromptu therapist. But, no, Buck needed him now. Steve hadn't been there for him for seventy years, so he sure was going to be there now. "You didn't have a choice," Steve said, and grimaced at how fake it sounded.

"No, Steve, I didn't. I'm so d*** blameless I'm drowning in it," Bucky clenched his hand into a fist and turned it over.

Steve saw what he was actually studying. The blue-beaded bracelet Robyn had given him five months ago in Sunny's apartment. It stood out against Bucky's all-black outfit. Steve tried to remember where he'd put his own bracelet. He thought it was with his uniform in a box in the back of his closet, back in New York.

"Wanna know the worst thing about it?" Buck asked-- rhetorically, Steve assumed. Steve kept quiet and waited for him to continue. "I don't even remember it. I remember everyone else, but I can't remember her. What if there are a couple hundred other people I don't remember killing either, Steve?" He frowned, "I'm a murderer and she helped me, she let me into her apartment, around her nieces. I can understand the Wakandans, but she's normal. I just don't get it." He finished and looked at Steve.

"I don't either, pal," Steve said before Bucky continued talking.

"She visited me every Sunday afternoon. When I was in Wakanda. Even when I was frozen. It's three o'clock? Sunny's coming in. She would say hi, I would say hi back. She'd ask, "Are they treating you well?" I'd say, "Better than HYDRA." And she'd nod like she knew how bad that was. I didn't know she actually knew. She'd lead the conversation, she would tell me how you all were doing and stay on safe topics. Then, before she would leave, she'd ask if I'd gotten any better. Sometimes I'd say yes, sometimes no. She'd nod again and go. Until last Sunday. She didn't come. Shuri told me she would. She didn't. Then you guys came."

Steve nodded and leaned the back of his head on the wall, looking at the-- roof? Ceiling? "It's not your fault, Bucky."

"It's always my fault, Steve. In some way or another," Bucky said with an air of finality. Then he said quietly, "She didn't even say anything."

"I wouldn't either," Steve responded without thinking.

Bucky sat up and looked at him, "If I killed you and you were somehow alive, you wouldn't mention that to me at all?"

H***. He had to own up to it now. "If I were alive, I'd just be happy about that. There's no point in making you feel more guilt than you have to."

"That is wrong, Steve," Bucky said, and Steve glanced at him. "Shouldn't I have a right to know who I killed?"

"I guess that's up to her," Steve said. This entire conversation was getting out of control.

Bucky must've heard the irritation building up in his voice, because he let it go. He sighed and leaned against the door.

Steve stared at the wall for a long time before falling into a light sleep.