Before, After & In-between

Three- Now

I knew leaving my mom's funeral would probably be the dumbest and most selfish decision of my life but in the moment it felt like the only thing to do.

"My dad is going to kill me."

Leah sighs, "Just blame it on me," she says rolling over to face me, "he's gotta understand."

"Somehow I doubt it."

Leah and I have been hanging out in my room for over an hour now watching Friends in silence. I am thankful she isn't prying me for conversation but rather allowing me to just sit in my feelings. I know my dad and Jake are going to be back soon, accompanied by all the people...and I don't know how I am going to face them. This day has gone from bad to worse from the moment I opened my eyes. From the moment my dad asked me to wear this stupid dress. My fingers run along the length of black lace that covers my body. The black lace that is bound tightly across my chest restricting my breath, dresses are not something I am fond of... but it would make her happy he said, because that's what she always wanted he said-- me in a dress. I suddenly feel like there's a million ants crawling along my skin, biting me, eating away at my flesh. I need to take this off, I sit up and reach for the zipper but it won't budge. My fingers cramp as they pull and tug at the stupid fabric. The delicate lace lethal in its binding.

"I really need to take this stupid thing off."

"I think it's pretty—" She shrugs, but stops as I glare at her.

I writhe around bumping my elbow into the wall and knocking the alarm clock off my nightstand. Sweat beads along the side of my face and drips down my back. My skin is so itchy I'm suffocating and I just want it off...I need it off...because I can't breathe and I can't move and if I don't get it off right now I might, I might, "Leah help me!"

"Hey, hey, calm down its okay" Leah says rising from my bed.

"Get it off of me, get it off now, please!"

"I'm trying, but it's stuck—" she says pausing, "one sec I'll be right back," then disappears.

"LEAH!"

Shallow breaths squeeze my ribcage. Will I be stuck like this forever...will the dress and I become one...will I—

"Here," she says, and runs toward me holding a pair of scissors.

"Woah, are you serious?"

"It's the only way if you really want it off, and if you hate it so much does it really matter?"

"No it doesn't matter, do what you have to do."

The scissors rip and pull through the lace with an unpleasant crunching sound and it makes my stomach turn, but within moments I feel the fabric give and the front of the dress slacks away from my chest. I grab it with vengeance and pull it from my body just as hear a car door shut out front.

Leah walks over to my window pulling back my curtain, "Their here."

"Great."

"Take your time, get dressed I'll distract," she gives me her most mischievous grin and I couldn't be more thankful in this moment that she is here.

Chatter fills the house, the smell of food wafts up the stairs making my mouth water, but not in a good way. My stomach keeps dipping in and out, one minute hollow the next explosive. I pull a hoodie from my closet and put on black leggings, I stop to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror deciding to throw my hair into a ponytail. If I am going to do this, I am going to do this feeling like myself.

The kitchen is full of guests from the funeral, I spot my dad in the far corner unwrapping platters of meat and cheese. I meekly make my through the crowd hoping to further avoid him but he sees me and waves me over. And I am once again on display.