Before, After & In-between

Chapter Six- Now

I never make it back to the fireworks, instead I stay in this little coffee shop called the Nook talking to a complete stranger who somehow has managed to make me feel the most normal I have in months.

We sit at the small table next to the wall of books sipping our coffee. Somehow when I came sprawling through the door a hot mess it wasn't as empty as I thought, there was a barista behind the counter. I've barely been able to make eye contact with her because I am mortified that she may have witnessed my panic attack. Darrin sits across from me, holding his mug between both hands. He wears a black long-sleeved shirt, fitted against his lean body. I try not to stare but I notice wears a plain silver band on his right ring finger, and it instantly sends a million thoughts through my mind. One being, its hot. Two, what does it mean, and three, its hot. I don't even know the last time I thought someone in real life was this hot.  

Without looking directly at him I can tell he's staring at me too; he's watching as my chipped black fingernails tap against my coffee cup, watching my teeth work the small red cut on my lower lip that never gets the chance to grow new skin. There is an electricity humming between us as if were two magnets being held at distance trying to fight the force that separates us. Its intoxicating and confusing and something I've never experienced, let alone felt with a complete stranger.

"So, if you don't mind me asking," Darrin smirks, "why are you here, alone, on Canada Day instead of out there," he nods in the direction of the boardwalk, "with...your um," he beats around the bush making me blush, "friends?"

I chew the inside of my cheek and contemplate my answer, I have one of two choices. I can tell him the truth and ruin whatever this is, or I can lie. I can lie and be whoever I want to be in this moment because he has no idea who I am. And truthfully, I would love to be anyone but me.

"Why are you here and not out there?" I answer his question with a question.

He has a small dimple under his left eye when he smiles and it's enough to cause momentary memory loss, "You're avoiding my question, plus," he looks around, "I'm working."

"Oh, you're working?" I tease, "I had no idea."

He pushes his chair away and stands up, "I am wearing an apron."

I honestly hadn't noticed he had an apron on, I was too busy navigating the smoothness of his creamy skin and deepness of his brown eyes. Who am I?

"So, you are...okay, and what is it that you do here Darrin?"

His buttery complexion turns a soft pink, "I'm the cook," he says rubbing his hands together and I can feel my cheeks warm, between him and the hot coffee a heat pools beneath my t-shirt.

It's unbelievably refreshing to not have someone recognize you, he's doesn't hear the shakiness in my voice, the fidgeting of my foot, or notice the sweat that forms at the base of my neck. He can't see the nerves because he doesn't know I am Katy Stevens. He doesn't know I don't just flirt with boys or that I've never had a boyfriend, or that I have once again ditched my dad and brother for selfish reasons, and the best part of pretending is, he doesn't know my mom just died.

"I'll be right back," he scoots away, and I watch as he disappears behind a white door that swings back and forth.

Breathe just breathe, I can do this, I can pretend... I can be someone else. I can be someone he would like, someone fun and carefree, I can flirt with him tonight because who cares it's not like I'll ever see him again.

He returns setting a plate down with two chocolate croissants, "Fresh out of the oven."

"You made these?"

"Is that a surprise?"

I can't help but look him up and down, and it's obvious because he laughs, "Kind of..."

"Well, I'm full of surprises," his dimple assaults me again and I turn away facing the bookshelf.

"How does it work, are these free... do you borrow, or buy them?"

"It's kind of like a barter system, you bring one and you take one, it was my aunts' idea."

"Your aunt?"

"Yea Isobel, she owns the place," he runs a hand through his dirty blonde waves, "I'm just helping out."

"Well, I love that idea," I pull one from the lineup, 'The Summer of Love' a worn paperback that has definitely been loved. I flip open the jacket and written perfectly in the prettiest handwriting I've ever seen is a message. "To my girl whom I love more than life, I hope this next adventure takes you where you want to go, Love Mom."

I stare at the words, Love mom. Stare so deeply that I feel the sadness begin to crack the shell of armor I've placed around myself tonight. Who am I to think I can be someone else, pretend none of this happened, pretend I'm normal or okay. As if I'm sitting here flirting with this random guy, even if he has somehow managed to make me feel... make me feel something other than pain. It's been nice not to not hurt for a bit, but it's over now, done, I need to wake up.

"You like romance then?" his words pull me from my thoughts.

"Huh, oh no," I say shoving it back, "I actually hate it."

He laughs, "Me too, it's a bit too on the nose for me."

"You read—" I catch myself getting caught up in his charm again, "actually, sorry to cut this short but I think I need to go," I pull my phone from my pocket and see ten missed calls from my dad and Jake, "shit."

"Everything okay?" he seems genuinely concerned, and I hate myself for even entertaining this.

"No, yeah, I just have to go sorry," I stand from my chair and text my dad.

"Okay let me grab you a to-go box for the croissants," he holds a finger up asking me to wait, "one second."

I sigh, "I really need to go, like now."

He runs back through the swinging door and comes flying out with a Styrofoam container, "Here, their still warm, hope you like them."

"Thanks," I grab the box from him, and our fingers brush lightly. My skin tingles as I pull my hand away and his face says he felt it too, "it was nice meeting you Darrin...uh take care."

"You too, don't be a stranger," he says shyly, "I mean come in for a coffee, or to grab a book...whatever you want you know."

"Sounds good," I smile, knowing I'm never coming back. Knowing that if he knew the real me, he probably wouldn't be interested. It was a fun distraction, but my reality is that I don't have the space for anyone else in my life.

My phone rings when I get outside, "Dad--I'm sorry, I went for a walk...and—"

"Katy, dammit I've been calling you for hours," he sighs, "do you know how worried I was?"

The guilt gnaws behind my chest, the emptiness just keeps getting deeper and darker, "I'm sorry, I lost track of time."

"You can't just keep saying sorry if you don't mean it, and..." he hesitates, "you can't just keep taking off."

"But I do mean it...and I'm sorry really...I am."

"Where are you?"

"I'm still on Main Street, just outside a coffee shop... The Nook."

"Don't move I'll be there in five minutes."

He's mad, and yeah, he should be. I don't know why I keep doing things to hurt him, or Jake. I don't know why I'm so selfish, like I'm the only one suffering right now...like he doesn't have enough to deal with already.

His car pulls up next to the curb and just before I climb in, I look back to see Darrin watching me from the window. Why do his eyes make my heart skip a beat, why does this stranger make me want to drop everything and run back to him? It's the most bizarre thing I've ever felt, I've never felt, that I didn't even know existed. 

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