Love after Life

Guilt

"I didn't bring you here to do something you wouldn't wanna do," said Angie. We were in her apartment, with her turning to me, a worried look on her face. She had invited me to a home cooked dinner.

"Who says I don't want to?" I asked, a grin on my face as I removed my shirt. I gave Angie my sauciest smile, sat on her couch, did a kissing motion with my lips, and gave her a look that said "come hither."

"Oh my," Angie said, smiling, as she walked towards me, taking off her shirt. "What about him?"

"Shhh," I said as I caressed her cheek. "Kiss me."

And so she got on top of me, kissing me. Then we-

I woke up, startled. I checked my clock; eleven AM. Shoot, I missed out on work today.

Well, that's not so bad.

I also missed out on making my family breakfast. That IS bad. VERY bad. With a sigh, I got up. I checked my phone; no message from Mel. It's very likely Tony told her I was sick.

I'm not sick, I'm heartbroken. I've lost the greatest love I've ever known, the only person in my life to make me feel beyond happy...

As I stepped out of the bedroom, I noticed Shawna sitting beside the door, a glum look on her face.

"Shawna? What's going on?" I asked. "Shouldn't you be at school?"

"Shouldn't you be at work?" She snapped at me, which took me aback.

"Shawna, what's wrong?" I asked. "You're not normally like this."

"What do you care?" She bitterly asked, turning away from me. But I saw the tears in her eye right before she turned away.

"I'm your mother; of course, I care," I said, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Please tell me what's wrong?"

She turned to me, tears in her eyes, and asked "Who's Angie?"

CRAP!!!

"I walked into your room a while ago, and I heard you utter that name," she said, tears in her eyes. "Who is she?"

"She," I gulped. "Was my best friend."

"Was there something going on between you two?" Shawna asked, tears streaming down her cheek, her poor little mouth trembling. Seeing her like that broke my heart.

But I couldn't let her know the truth of what went on between me and Angie; how we had cybersex, how we once came close to having sex, how I fell in love with her.

"What happened between us," I began. "Was that she led me to discovering parts of myself."

"Like what?"

"Like," I gulped. "That... I like women."

Guess I'm out of the closet.

"I know," Shawna said. "I still remember how you looked at that woman back at the movies..."

"THAT was something I didn't mean to do," I said, sighing, as I sat next to my daughter.

"Mom," Shawna began, and I noticed she was breathing a little harder. "Did you...like Angie?"

"She was very nice, very sweet," I said, smiling.

"Did you like her?"

"Well of course," I said, smiling at my daughter. "She was a good friend!"

"No, Mom," she said, more forcefully. "Did you LIKE her?"

OH NO!!! Can't let the truth come out!!!

"I love your FATHER, sweetie," I quickly said. "And nothing's gonna change that."

"OK," she said. I could tell she was still bothered.

"Sometimes," I started. "When you've been with someone for a long time, you... start to wonder about what you're missing out on."

"So there WAS something between you two!" Shawna exclaimed, her face red with anger, yet wet with tears that refused to stop.

"Well, sweetie," I gulped. I knew, whatever came out of my mouth next, would either be a self-serving lie, or the awful truth. "We developed a deep friendship, and there were... inappropriate feelings developing. She recognized them first, and told me she couldn't risk anything. So, we ended the friendship."

I mean, wasn't that the truth? From a certain point of view? You know, I mean, leaving out the two weeks we spent having cybersex isn't that big a deal, right? Right?

"Is everything OK between you and Dad?" She weakly asked. And hearing that, and hearing her broken little voice ask that, killed me.

"Nothing's gonna change how I feel about your father," I said to her while giving her a big hug. I'm a filthy liar.

Here's the truth: I don't love Tony anymore. I'd GLADLY divorce him for Angie if we didn't have Shawna and Kyle. Even now, a part of me wishes Angie had stayed with me, and we could have carried out an affair together. Do you know what that's like, to WISH to be having an AFFAIR with someone!?

And I know, I am well aware of the fact that if someone ELSE were telling me what I was thinking, I'd look down on them. I'd be disgusted with them, for daring to want something that could potentially harm their loved ones so badly! I should be disgusted with myself!

But I'm not, at least not nearly as much as I should be. I should be hating myself, but all I feel is annoyance at myself; I feel angrier that I let Angie leave my life, than the fact that I wished to cheat on my HUSBAND! Is it any wonder that Angie left!?

She deserves so much better than me...

Wait, hold on, something isn't right.

"So, wait," I began. "Why AREN'T you at school?"

"Some kid wrote an email saying he was gonna shoot the place," she replied, shrugging. "So we got the day off."

"Oh," I said, suddenly losing my grip on reality. "OH MY GOD, WHERE'S KYLE!!??"

"Mom, relax, he's in his room," said Shawna. "Playing on his Xbox, as usual."

"Oh thank God," I said, sighing in relief.

For a brief second, I imagined what would have happened if school HADN'T been canceled today, and... oh God, I can't! I can't go down that train of thought! My two kids, they mean EVERYTHING to me!!!